That moment when you got yourself a new hater

Haterzzz gonna hate. Okay no the feeling sucks but I keep thinking about the amazing think Colin and I did to Joy (we made her believe I was in Colin's room and stuff and it was kinda funny) and I'm too hungry to feel the irritation of a new hater.
I'm sorry, now it reminds me of the sims. What does this have to do with the sims?!?

Yolo, those people don't know me

THAT is how I should think when I'm abroad or on the Internet, I don't know those people and they don't know me. Fact is, then I can feel more comfortable and be myself and if it doesn't get me more haters, then I can be myself in real life as well. Wait, I can be myself in any case because if I leave in 3 years, they won't see me anymore. xD

"When night falls, darkness arises"

Okay so I'm in the mood to write sentences or texts that make you want to.. Make you want to.. Okay I don't even know. I suppose I could say it makes me want to write a song, or an inspiring text. Which I can't. Which is very annoying but I'll get over it. I honestly didn't realise the time so oops, I should go to bed. ;-;

In mooooments of deadly gloom
Young liiiives ending way too soon
The facts that are all untrueeeee
Spread lies that were not thought through

-That's from Epica by the way.

It's painful

Do you know how painful it is to feel like you're giving up more and more and you can't stop yourself? Like you're losing control over yourself and your life? I can tell you it's goddamn painful. I can barely get myself out of my bed these days, not because it's warm or comfy but really because I don't want to face the world alone.
I don't want to face the world alone, but there's no one to help me. Dennis isn't there, not anytime soon because he's busy. It's not like I'm looking for someone to replace him at all but if there's anything I know, then that's that he'll be the only one who could possibly love me, the only one who wanted to be with me. If he'd break up with me, I'd be alone for the rest of my life. I know no one would like me that way, because why would they?
This was another day on which I felt useless.

Okay, what is this?

So lately I often feel bad when I'm eating, which results in me not wanting to eat. So to explain it: when I wake up, I feel fine and I do what I always do. Then I have breakfast and then I suddenly feel worse. Then like half an hour after I ate, I feel fine again. Then when I get hungry again, I don't feel like eating because I know it makes me feel bad so I prefer snacks, but guess what, we don't really have any snacks so that's not a possibility. So then I eat and I feel bad again, so I eat less than I really need. Then right before dinner I'm goddamn hungry. But once I hear dinner is ready, I feel bad again and then I try to eat an amount of food which I won't regret and so that my parents won't comment on it. That's quite hard by the way, and annoying as well because I go to bed with an empty stomach and it's annoying.

I had a weird dream

Okay so in my dream, I was dating Dennis and stuff but then apparently he had kissed with my cousin (in my dream she didn't have boyfriend), and apparently she was a great kisser and I've never kissed so obviously I'm not good at it. But then in my dream Dennis seriously started to doubt who to date just because my cousin was a great kisser. Like what? xD Okay so I wanted to prove I'm a fine kisser (obviously I'm not but whatever) so then I kissed him and all. And he was a super duper awesome great kisser and I wasn't so.. Yeah that was awkward. xD

You know those girls

Those girls who can wear the weirdest or ugliest clothes, those girls who don't need makeup or can wear ugly makeup, those girls who don't need to do anything with their hair or who can do whatever they want with their hair and they still look cute. Couldn't I be one of them? ;-; This is just unfair and annoying.

Great, now I'm crying

And there's no one I can talk to. Fuck life, I swear to god it's fucked up. Nothing goes right, honestly if I'd believe in some sort of heaven and hell, this would be hell with one angel for some people, but if you touch him or her, he or she will feel pain. Everything I do hurts others, so then why am I here? But if I'd disappear, I'd still hurt them.

I'm ready

If all goes well, I'm somewhere else tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then in two weeks. It's useless anyway.
Coming to think of 'if all goes well', it reminds me of Two Steps From Hell - all is hell that ends well or something?
Anyway, do you know that unloved feeling? When you could crawl in a corner because even the one who seems to like you most (whoever that may be) seems to dislike you? Right now I just feel like "Fuck it all, what's the difference anyway?".

This is strange and annoying

I've been trying so hard to prepare myself for this feeling, hoping it'd be less bad but no, it's way worse than I expected. Seems like it was all for nothing. I hoped I would feel good enough, instead I feel bad enough for the plans I've had. The failing plans, by the way, because I know that the plans I've had are useless. Oh and I mean some plans I had when I was single. And had no brain. Not that I have so much more of a brain now.
Anyway, now I need a reminder for tomorrow, so that I won't forget looking for my teacher before it's too late.
And also: this damned ear infection should leave.

Wait, I've had this feeling before

Twice at least: once I fell off the stairs after I had this feeling and the second time I fell in an ugly way so that my back was hurting a lot. Aka I have a bad feeling about this feeling - yeah that sounds weird. But I expect something bad to happen now, whatever it may be. I'm not looking forward to it.

I'm not quite sure

I'm not really sure whether I should be worried or sad right now. I mean it's not so very normal when someone who likes you suddenly ignores you, and it could have at least three meanings:
1. That person is just busy. It happens, you know. Only I would wonder why he can't tell me that.
2. He's tired of you and wants you to leave him alone. However then he could've said that as well.
3. Something happened and he's ill and has to sleep/stay in bed or he's in the hospital maybe. That could explain the not answering stuff as phones aren't allowed in each part of a hospital. For as far as I know, there are several parts where they are allowed, but I'm not sure. It just wouldn't explain why he keeps coming online though.

Let's just say this is the worst time for this to happen because tomorrow I have another test and then I'm free for a week. And I'll be home alone for a long time every day. Then I'll be all alone, no one to talk to, while feeling horrible and I expect the weather to be horrible so that's not going to help. And I want to kill this crappy feeling.

The reason why I'll die alone

I got mad because of bread. BREAD. Yes you're reading it correctly, bread. Food. I got pissed off because of food. Besides that I don't think I'd be like "Yo let's die together! When should we die?" It sounds so stupid. "Die alone", in the end everyone dies alone, even when you're married. I don't think I'll get married, my god it's expensive and I'd just be nervous. Oh and find a guy who wants it and who wants to pay everything and who can pay everything. How many guys are out there who are able to handle me? I think there's only one and he seems to have a hard time with it every now and then, so if he's already got a hard time with it, I don't think there's anyone else. Not that I need anyone else, if he doesn't want me, I'll just try my hardest not to fall in love again.

If only there was no grunting in Epica

The band would be so amazing. I like their songs, but I'm just really not fond of the grunting. I just don't like it, it sounds like they're trying to ruin their voice on purpose.
However it doesn't keep me from listening to their music. I'll just try to ignore the grunt parts~
Also, my dad said he liked Epica, but when I brought it up, he said he didn't like them at all. Like what the hell? Did your opinion just change in a few weeks or do you just want to have nothing in common with me?

Okaaaaay I feel ignored

It could just be a feeling of course, since I tend to feel fake things. Wait, I put that the wrong way. I don't tend to feel fake things, but I often manage to make myself believe things without even realising it. For example, let's say someone is on whatsapp and you send them a message and they don't reply. Then I don't think "Ah, he/she must be busy", I tend to think "What the hell have I done? Why are you ignoring me?" and then I start spamming and then I realise I'm annoying and then I regret it. REEEGREEEETS.
Well, talking about regrets: oh god damn it (I accidently wrote 'hot damn it', also fine), I have tons of them and I hate it. I want to re-do my life.

That time when you know it's the end

Ready, set, go! I'm nervous now. Today my grandma will get something removed, I don't know exactly where or what because my cousin didn't say that. I don't exactly think it's dangerous or what, but I'm still nervous.

That moment when you want to talk to someone

But you can't, because you are pretty sure someone will end up hurt. Life is way too complicated for me, that's for sure. I wish I didn't grow up thinking real life would be a fairy tale. Stupid school. >_< Where did that change anyway, when I'm only 16? Shouldn't 'real life' hit you when you're 18 or older?

You know what, I have a plan

A superdupergreatawemomse plan, but right when I have a great plan, it's night of course. xD Always happens. So, I have an even better plan: I'm going to work on my plan tomorrow! ^_^ Now ain't I smart? That's right, I'm not, because I have two tests tomorrow. But! Two superduperamazing tests. I hope. I mean economics was bullshit and full of things we didn't fully practise. Nope no wait, that could be me. xD Now goodnight everyone~

So I have a question now

*Noms down a piece of cake* So is it okay now if I'm afraid as hell that my boyfriend will break up with me very soon? And also, is it normal to look for a crush (like a celebrity crush AND YES I SAID 'look for') just so it might hurt less? Wait, that doesn't even make any sense.
Also, my definition of a crush: When you're interested in someone but you barely know what they're actually like, so you make up a whole personality in your head and then you suddenly like him more than just a friend. I know it sounds stupid, but that is how I think of it. I don't think that when you have a 'crush' on someone, you're actually in love. I've thought about it: Love isn't actual love unless both of you feel that way. So if I love someone who doesn't love me back, it's not real love. I just can't believe that you can fall in love without that the other person loves you back, I just can't, I'd feel like I'm tricking myself if that is the case. That I'm not in love, that I'm just telling myself that I'm in love so that it feels that way.
Okay, enough about crappy love, it's way too confusing and once you're in it, it's impossible to get out of it without pain. I mean you can tell me now that it doesn't hurt when you're the one who stops loving your boyfriend/girlfriend, but I'm sure it does. Especially when you've reached an age in which you really want to find the person you want to spend your life with. And no, I do not think I've reached that age. After all, I think it's different for everyone.
Now back to-- who ate my cake? ;-; Whoever you are, I'll find you!

I just realised something

And it hit me a little too hard.
Also: THAT ANNOYING MOMENT WHEN SOMEONE STARTS A CONVERSATION WITH YOU AND THEN STOPS TALKING TO YOU. And it's like he just read this while I wrote it, because now he replied. :P Okay yeah I'm shaking now.
Also: next week I have a test week. How come I didn't know? ;___;

Thiiiiiiiis iiiiiiiiiis annooooooooying

I hate hate hate it when I want to reach someone but before even trying it, I know I can't. ._. Best example: When I want to reach Dennis or Chris, but they're not on Skype or whatsapp or I don't have the phone number or calling is waaaaaaay too expensive. Another example: When I need a friend/classmate for something and they don't reply on whatsapp and they're never on Facebook/Skype and they live too far away to just go to them and you don't like calling people. Yes in the T-Mobile contract I have 90 minutes to use for calling every month but no, I don't use them. They only count for Dutch numbers and I'm just not fond of calling.
Anyway so this is annooooooying and by tomorrow evening I still won't have a reply because it's pretty much impossible. :P Well maybe by midnight. Or did I misread something? Also possible. I happen to be blind nowadays... Or just too tired. :P
*Noms on some crisps* so yeah I'll go to bed after this sooooo goodnight y'all.

You know what I just thought about?

Okay, so imagine you've felt so much that you just don't care about anything anymore, in the way that if someone puts a gun to your head, you don't give a damn. And if someone laughs at you (better example xD), you don't care. And that you're not afraid of doing whatever you want to do (also a way better example than the first one :P). Then how is it possible that pain still exists? How can you still be hurt, even when you don't care? I DON'T GET IT. ;-; I think some people have had such a day when you just don't care, but they can still be hurt and I don't get why. Iiiiiiii have to stop thinking now, I should never think about things in life. ._. I mean I shouldn't think about why I look the way I do, how big the universe is, what happens when you die, if there's some sort of God or if this world is actually like the Sims. Yes, yes I used to believe that this world was just the Sims for another world, DON'T ASK ME WHY. x)

You know what's annoying?

When someone is most likely lying to you, but you're not 100% sure, so you don't want to tell or ask them because you don't want a fight and all the drama that comes with it. It's so so so sooooooo annoying and I don't know what to do about it now. ._. It's like I want no drama but I do want answers. STUPID BRAIN, MAKE UP YOUR MIND! ._.
The problem is, if you ask your friend, or if you talk about it to another friend, then you don't only get drama with the lying friend, but also with everyone else who knows that friend. Or that friend is suddenly friendless because your friends agree. But then there's still drama, just like with Nienke. >_<

Okay that's it

If only I could, I would. Because I can't stand this anymore, why does it keep happening for no real reason? Just why?
Honestly, why do people have to put up with bad feelings? I have nothing against religions with Gods but honestly: If God would actually exist, do you think he would let people die for no reason? Do you think he would let wars happen? Do you think he would like it, that you say that gays are different and shouldn't be here? Do you think he would let people feel so bad? Do you think he'd want us to be rich and not give anything to those people in Africa? Or the homeless people? Do you think that's what he wants? What did those Africans and homeless people do against him then? Hm? Nothing, right? And do you think he would let people bully others without punishing them? Do you think he would let people feel so bad, that the only option they see is suicide? Honestly, how can you still believe that God is a great person, when you know what's going on in the world? I wouldn't be surprised if your 'God' hates us all, but who's responsible? Is God responsible for how we act, or was it our own choice?
Honestly: I've believed a million things. I used to believe I was the only human on earth, and everyone else was a robot. I used to believe ghosts existed, I used to believe there was some sort of heaven and hell. The only thing I used to believe, and which I still believe, is that nature is what others might see as 'God'. But it's weird, because I grew up with all those stories, we had to learn tons of things about God, I even used to go to Church, and yet I never actually believed that there was some sort of God. Isn't that kind of weird? It's not like I always knew war existed, and that people could feel terrible.
But there is one thing I will absolutely never understand. How can you make war about religion? How can you go that low? Just how? Let people believe whatever the fuck they believe in. Let THEM decide how they live their lives. Don't go "Oh, you don't believe in the same thing as I do. Well, this means war! Either you're going to have to die, or you're going to have to believe the same thing as I do!". Grow. The. Fuck. Up. It's their decision, you have NOTHING to say about it.

I'm sorry, I might sound pissed off and it's kinda a rant out of nowhere, but for philosophy, I have to write something about gay-rights and if gays should be allowed to adopt. Someone wrote somewhere that gays should never be allowed to adopt, because being gay isn't right and 'children with gay parents will most likely become gay as well' so what? Leave your fucking nose out of it, it is THEIR life and you have absolutely NO rights to decide what they can and can't do! "They want a normal life like heteros, well they can't have it" that is not the fuck for YOU to decide. It pisses me off. You're not the one to rule the world, you're not the one to decide whether gays can live like heteros or not. I wish I could tell all the people who believe God thinks gays are wrong to think of this: Maybe, just maybe, he indeed created gays by mistake, that something went wrong. But why do you think gays still exist, hm? Why do you think God didn't change it if it was a mistake? Have you ever thought about it, that maybe God wanted to see how we'd deal with it? Maybe he wanted to see if we would accept them and give them a life like any other people. In that case I can tell you this: You'll go to hell. Do you think God accepts it that you go and take the rights of another human away? Because, even though I don't believe in God, I don't think he accepts that. It's that I am just another girl on this world that I can't make too much of a difference (of course I can help though), but I just don't get it. If I'll ever meet someone who thinks gays don't deserve a normal life, I'll give him or her every argument I know until that person is out of arguments of why gays don't deserve a normal life.

This rant's over, I'm going to finish my homework and hope everything will be alright tomorrow. >_<

Okay, why does this keep happening?

So lately whenever I post something, I often look back at it like "... Did I write that? That's going to give me trouble. Why did I write it anyway?" and it's super annoying. I might as well lose people just because I wrote something which I barely remember anyway.
What I do know, is that I have a headache right now. I guess I'll just go and listen to music and maybe I'll fall asleep.

IIIIIIIIIIIII AM ANNOOOOOOOOYING

In case the title doesn't show it, it's still true. Okay what happened to the font? Seriously Chrome, what the hell did you do? And why can't I type anymore? Gosh it's that none of you see how often I have to correct a word but jeesh that's often.
And I realised something: I CAN GET GODDAMN ANNOYING WHEN I'M WORRIED. It's the annoying stab-feeling in my stomach that makes me act like this, I guess. Did I explain that feeling? It's pretty much an annoying feeling and if it was a human, you would rib it apart and stab it a million times because it's so annoying that you don't even want it to exist. I think I wrote something about it before, and that it had nothing to do with wanting to die. Seriously: it has nothing to do with wanting to die. If it was a person, I would kill that person and then walk away like nothing happened, kay? I'M FINE. I'm not, I know, but that's not the issue right now. I don't even know what the hell I'm saying. So, how many people think I'm annoying right now? Dooooooon't worry about it. I feel like that dude in Skyrim by the way, from the Dark Brotherhood. Cel.. No no no... Cicero, that dude. Well okay, not exactly, I don't talk like that.
Back to the worrying part. Well, I mean the 'doooon't worry' part actually. Anyway, don't worry about it, I'm never like this in real life. I can't speak that well to be hyper in real life at all. It's kinda funny, several days ago Anise and I had to go somewhere for an interview, and then when we went home, she said how it was kinda funny because when she met me, I was all quiet and stuff, and then when she 'met me' on whatsapp, it was kinda like 'HOLY CRAP SHE CAN BE HYPER' (her words, I swear she said... Shouted it like that. FUS RO DAAAH... Which sounds very ugly when you're a Khaijit.. Did I spell that right? Confusing word)

SKIP TO THIS PART

So who got too annoyed/lazy to read all of that? No worries: most of it is bullshit. Ish. The main thing is that you don't have to worry because I'm not like that in real life. Most of the time. But I think that if you pay attention to my way of acting in real life, you'll most likely know when I think "Damn it, I wish I hadn't said it (that way). I feel so annoying" because then it's kinda like I'm super hyper and then suddenly I just sit there (maybe still smiling because of some joke or something) but then I don't say so much. Or at least not very loud. Let's just say you'd need a trained ear like my brother's (he knows how I talk so he understands most of it by now).

Does it show yet, that I really need someone to talk to right now? So Christian isn't there, I don't feel like talking to Cindy, most people in the 'friend'-chat aren't there and for as far as I know, Dennis is nowhere to be found either. AAAAH *runs around screaming while holding dave up in the air*. Makes no sense? Don't worry. It really doesn't. I.. don't get myself anymore. The point is, I just want to talk to Dennis but he's nowhere to be found and now I'm worried (which is weird because it's not like I'm on whatsapp everyday I NEED TO STOP SHARING SO MANY DETAILS TO PEOPLE IN AMERICA.. Most of you seem to be from America or Russia. Wait. Why. O_O) but I don't want to spam to see if he'll react to that (muhahahaha I'm so evil. No seriously, I've done that before and I can't remember why I didn't just wait for at least one hour or so) and I can't ask his friend (WHY WOULD I DO THAT ANYWAY?).
Why can I be so annoying when I'm hyper? Ooookay you know what, I'm not gonna judge. I'd ask all my readers if I'm annoying right now, but none of you reacts. Sweet, very sweet. Nah, I'm already happy people bother to open this blog at all. And read none of it. I still appreciate it, thanks. :P

Okay now I'm worried

WHY DO I GET WORRIED SO FAST? ._. And why did I wrote 'fat' instead of 'fast' in the worst place? 'Why do I get worried so fat?', what would that look like? Okay now I don't get myself. I'm worried but still kinda hyper in a way that I start making not-funny jokes. Well, not-funny for most people. I can laugh about them but that's just because I always laugh about my own jokes, whether they're funny or not.
Also, I found something out about myself: I'm not fully sad unless I can't even laugh about a superfunny joke I hear someone telling others. I realised that usually when I just sit somewhere, being sad, and I hear someone tell a funny joke, that I laugh anyway. It's kinda awesome because then I can still know that I'm not fully sad and that it'll be alright after all. Someday. When the sun looks prettier. Don't ask me why, the sun just looks ugly here. I just want to go to Germany or Italy.
And luckily, I'm going to Munich soon. I still wish I could go to Berlin or Hamburg instead but Munich will be fine too, I'm sure. ^_^
Now I'm going to continue being worried. Not because I want to, and it's not like I sit here like "let's be worried!", it's more that I need to pee again, and that always happens when I'm nervous, and apparently also when I'm worried. WHY, DEAR BODY, WHY?! Just show me your good sides instead!

Can I just scream right now?

I would love to just scream everything out right now. I don't really know what's up, I'm just irritated. It could be because of school, or because of my headache. In any case, I think it'd be awesome if I could just scream it all out now, maybe it'd help.
And you know what I'd love right now? To live near a forest, or near a river or lake. I might not be allowed to go outside at night, but I would love to just go out for a walk and just sit by a lake, forgetting about the world. That is what I want right now: To forget about everything that's going on. I don't want to worry, I don't want to doubt, I don't want to feel bad without knowing the reason. I just want this all to be over, and give me one reason why that can't happen. I don't think that reason exists.
Right now I just want to feel a little more loved, and since Dennis isn't there (in case he already went to bed, gosh I'm not surprised. ._. I can barely see straight, but that's just me) and my parents and brother don't really want to make me feel loved, I have no one right now. I just want to go back to my uncle, I hadn't seen him for years and I contacted him out of nowhere, and yet he was so sweet for me. He was way sweeter than my parents have been in the past years.
Okay now I'm crying again. The annoying thing is that I'm not sure if I should go to bed or if I should wait. And there's another negative side to going to bed now: I don't know why, but I usually can't fully open my eyes if I fell asleep while or after crying.

I found out why I'll always suck at.. Uh, something

Yep! It's because then for example I wanna try playing the guitar. Okay so beforehand, I sit here like "Okay, this is going to take a while, I can't learn all of this in one day and I won't become better if I try one day for like 10 minutes so I have to put effort into it." So then I try it, and then I realise I suck at it, so I get pissed, so I'm like "Fuck this shit, I'll try it another time" and then I try it again and then I'm like "Alright, let's do something easier this time" and then it doesn't work so now I'm more like AAAAAH *smashes the guitar apart*.. Uh.. Rock on.. Folks..?
Rocking wasn't made for me, only the fake kind of rock where people actually smash their guitars to the ground or whatever. WHO WOULD DO THAT? WHY TORTURE A GUITAR, WHAT THE HELL DID IT DO AGAINST YA? ;-;
Okay I'm not funny, I know. So I'll stop.. Eh, for now.
Uhm.. So... Byebye.. Folks? I think that's gonna be my new word for on my blog. Okay, no. Ciao. ^_^

I should kinda do what I did with my old Tumblr blog

And for those who don't know what I did with my old Tumblr blog and what it was at all: Well, I had a depressive blog and I asked a friend of mine to remove it, and then I created a new and happier blog.
Now can ANYONE please explain to me why I do remember that, and why I don't remember the last post I posted here? Seriously, I mean I removed it yesterday without re-reading it but right now I don't even recall posting anything and I have no idea what I wrote there at all.

Also, I found something to do for when I can't sleep. I'll just watch some massage videos so that I can do it myself. xD Okay I don't really want to massage people, just friends or people who are more than just friends, I guess. Eh, well, we'll see.

Oh my god it worked

So I didn't understand my homework and I did what I always do: I stare and get irritated (usually I get so irritated that I start crying, I had that now too >_<) BUT! I found out what I have to do after reading something again. Woohoo I can still go to bed before 10, it only sucks I wanted to be in bed somewhere between 20.30 and 21.00
I would throw a party with Jillz if it wasn't so late. And now I'm thinking of that too: My brother bought me Jillz today. I can't do it myself because I'm 16 and you have to be 18 here to drink alcohol, and Jillz has alcohol. Well, there is 0.0, I never had it and I have no idea if it tastes any different.
And now I'm gonna finish my homework so I can go to sleep soon~~~

So tomorrow will be a weird day

I actually only have one lesson. I'm free the first hour, then I have to be somewhere for 4 hours, then I'm free for 2 hours and then I have music at 15.10. But well, I think my mom would say it's fine to stay home or if possible go to the doctor then, but I think I'll just go.
Also, I asked my mom if she could make an appointment at the doctor so she'll do that tomorrow. This morning I was a bit nervous so I asked a friend about it and she said it's better to go to the doctor, even if nothing is wrong, just to be sure. So yeah, I'll go then.
And my uncle told me I'm welcome at any time, so yay, I can go to Germany whenever I want. ^_^ Eh well, almost. I can't go when I'm not free of course.

Now I want to apologise

It just sucks that right now is like almost the worst time. Wait no, 4 am would be the worst time. Imagine you have to get up between 5 and 6 and then someone wakes you up at 4. Well I can already tell you you won't fall asleep anymore then, and before you know it, you have to get up already while you're tired as hell because you could really use that hour.

But I just want to apologise because I kinda overreacted again (I don't just mean on the internet, I freaked out in real life, uh well, for as far it's possible). I don't want you to be here just to calm me down. What I want is for us to have fun together, to have great times together. To be there for each other when the other needs it, but not in the way that you just sit there, hugging. More in the way that if the other cries, or is terribly sad, that you hug for as long as the other wants and then go and do something fun together to cheer up. Because not so many things are worse than seeing the one you love sad, right now I feel like I'm in a circle again: I got sad, so you're unhappy because I'm sad, so I feel worse which makes it all worse.
I want to be there for you when you need me. I want to be happy with you, I want to laugh with you, I want to have fun with you, I want to do great things with you. Things you or/and I always wanted to do. I don't care what it is, I would do anything for you. And I'm sorry that I don't show that often enough, that I don't show often enough how much I love you and how happy you make me.

Alright, I feel horrible

So I just came back from Germany, and now I feel bad. Yesterday in the church (no I don't believe in God, but the marriage was there) it said something about 'those who feel alone' and more negative stuff and I tried my hardest not to cry. Then when we drove to the place where the party was, the sister of my grandma said to me that my grandpa was doing very bad, so I expect him to die soon but I don't want to be alive and that someone I know dies then, I just don't want that. I mean in the end you have no choice if you enjoy your life, but I don't want to feel that sadness ever again.
And then when we left, I felt sad too because I didn't want to leave. My uncle is so nice (and it turns out he's a great hugger) and my new aunt (since I'm officially allowed to call her my aunt now) is so pretty and nice, I wish she was my mom.
Right now I'm freezing and I'm tired and I feel lonely and unloved and I just want to crawl up in my bed and never get out of it. Well, okay, until Summer, or in any case not until the weather gets better.
But it just sucks that it feels like I'm not loved, or not loved anymore or something like that. It sucks even more when it feels that way when you do have someone. I still want to put a lot of effort in this relationship (okay it probably feels for everyone as if I only recently started doing that, so it's unfair to ask it back), but I just don't know what to do about it all right now. And then I want to talk about it, but it feels like it's better not to, considering we're both tired and kinda irritated (eh, probably).

Okay fuck everything now

I would love to stab myself right now. Oh but not to kill myself, sometimes I have this feeling and I would love to stab it but then I'd have to stab myself so yeah. But I'm serious, it doesn't have so much to do with dying.
And now I want to cry my eyes out because guess what, yes yes I did it, I managed to make someone mad at me again. Fuck everything. I do not understand why others can't see why I don't like myself.

I don't get it

So now I'm just sitting here, crying my eyes out, wondering why feeling like these exist.
I don't wanna be here, I don't wanna cry, I don't want to feel sad, I want to be happy. Where is that goddamn switch in my brain? Why am I not happy? How is that possible when I have all I ever wished for - and even better? I have friends, I have a home, I can learn things, I can listen to music, I have a boyfriend who is better than I could have imagined, I have parents who take care of me. I have everything I need to be happy so what the hell is wrong with me? Where the hell did it go wrong in my brain? Why is this happening? Why is it possible for people to feel like this?

So it worked

It took me long enough, but now I'm finally crying. Too bad it's not one of those "I'll just cry hard for a few minutes and then nothing is wrong anymore"-cries, instead it's one of those "I can cry for a short time, then I stop and then I have to cry again but I keep feeling bad"-cries.
Now the worst is that I don't know why I feel so terrible and I have no one to reach now too. I was there was someone to hold me now or at least to calm me down but I don't want to make anyone mad by contacting them. I just feel empty and lonely and it hurts and I don't even know why.

It's too bad

That none of my readers ever reply to what I say. :P Because then I would ask right now to all the people living in either the Netherlands, Germany or Belgium if they know how to get into some sort of clinic. Ah but then again, the kind of clinic I have in mind is most likely different than the real ones, sadly.
The kind of clinic that would probably help me is where you have your own room with blue walls (aah yes like mine! ^_^ I love it, it's so calming) and you have breakfast, lunch and dinner together (lately I've been eating breakfast so late that I kept skipping lunch and thanks to my stupid brain that made me do that I was sooo hungry with dinner haha :P) and then either you get a laptop (a cheap one of course that is just made for simple things like browsers and skype and such things) or there's this room with computers and then you get a special amount of time for how long you're allowed to be on the computer. And after like 5 minutes before that time it warns you that it'll shut itself down and stuff. And then you're allowed to have your phone with you but only to reply on whatsapp to important people like your parents, brother, sister, boyfriend, girlfriend or best friend (and then suddenly everyone is your best friend of course xD). And then there are special times when you're allowed to be in your room so you can't stick around there and on normal days you just go to school like everyone else and after that and also in the vacation you'd have to choose at least two 'classes' and one of them has to be active. I would so choose a language and something with water and archery then - coming to think of archery, I still have to ask my parents if I can join. I was planning on joining after Munich but why wait?
Anyway, it might be a bit too much to read but I'd still like a clinic like that. It would help me, I guess that is because they watch me and I always feel the need to eat enough then, and they'd also make sure you do thinks with others so that you won't be lonely and stuff. And I'm sure they'd listen to you if you're sad. I do need something like that, something to keep my mind busy so that I can't think too much.
Also, I think I just heard a mouse. O_O So now I'm gonna invite alos and orly over to hunt with me. ;3 Nah I'm going to sleep and let them hunt.

Ready, set, go

Off to another night of crying my eyes out. Great. Why do I always feel so lonely?

I learned something today

Even though I don't have school. Woopwoop, maybe I do still have my brain somewhere in this room. Well, not exactly, because what I learned is that you should never listen to the song 'already gone' by Kelly Clarkson if your relationship has been on the edge. Seriously at first I was trying my hardest just not to cry and then I couldn't help it anymore and cried my eyes out. The problem is that I have no one to talk to about it right now. I'm glad that my parents and my brother have to work tomorrow, they're already in bed if I'm not mistaken so then they can't see I cried.
I just wish I could take every stupid word out of my mouth and rip them apart, I just wish I could crawl into Dennis' arms right now and cry my eyes out.

I knew it!

"What Harper really wanted to do was go someplace dark and quiet with him, to give in to the warmth of his voice and the strength of his arms. To have him hold her and kiss her until she couldn't feel anything but him, until she'd forgotten about the ache inside,"
I knew it. I knew I wasn't the only one who would love to do that. I must say though, if I re-read that, it really sounds like a romantic book which is exactly the kind of book I would hate. I don't know the genre, most likely a bit horror-ish with all the heart eating, murdering, sirens and all the drama about Harper who won't find her sister the way she used to be. I once read a few sentences at the end of this book, I did that last year and stopped reading just because of what happened there. I didn't like it, so I didn't want to read further until I have the other book from the series. Well not the first book, stupid enough I started at the second book but oh well.
I feel guilty right now. I feel like I did something stupid, like I did something wrong and that I should apologise to Dennis. I don't really know why, maybe it's because of something I said earlier, or my way of acting lately. Hm well not lately, but.. One week ago, I believe. I just don't know what's up with me. When I watch the video of him, I just sit here, wondering why I never show him how much I appreciate him or how much I love him, but I have to be honest, I just don't know how. I know he wants me to let him go so he has a real life too and that he wants me to be happy but I just don't know what to do. I do know what I would do in real life though, I would hug him and just not let him to for a long while. Only I am not so sure if that'd be nice or evil. :P
But for real... Right now I could just literally cry my eyes out because I can't hear his voice and I can't feel his arms around me. I wish the situation was different.

Visiting Amsterdam for the first time

Soooooo tomorrow I'm going to Amsterdam for the very first time. It kinda feels weird that I've never been in our capital while my brother was even born there. >_< But well, I'm looking forward to it, even though I'm pretty much out of money because I get about 60 euros every month and I'm saving up money and that didn't exactly work this month. :c And I just realised it pretty much means I won't have enough money for when I'm in Italy. :P
And they said it was goddamn code yellow or something? With lots of rain and a thunderstorm and what not. I didn't notice anything. :P No real rain or anything and it's still so hot here.
Oh also! I'm not only looking forward to tomorrow, I'm also scared as fuck. :P My brother is going to drive and he keeps complaining about how some cars work different than others and how he needs to.. I don't even know.. I'm scared, I don't want my brother to drive, I've seen him driving in games and that doesn't work in any case. About that anyway: I'M NOT GOING TO SIT IN A CAR YOU'RE DRIVING EITHER, DENNIS. D:
Ooh maybe they have a music shop in Amsterdam though. I hope so, and I hope it won't be too hot.

Feeling annoyed

So, why exactly do certain feelings exist? For example when you're mad or sad or don't want something, why does it exist?
At this point I feel like a hopeless case again: it's not so much that I want to kill myself, but I don't want to be alive all that much either.
I don't like thinking about it. I don't like thinking about the future. In the end, I will lose everyone: I will lose Dennis, I will lose my family, I will lose my friends. I will lose Dennis if we'd break up, and if we won't, I would lose him to death. I will lose my family if we wouldn't have much contact which is most likely, and if we do keep in contact, I will also lose them to death. Same with my friends.
Why do animals die? Why do people die? Why are people sad? Why is it normal nowadays, to pick on someone, to make someone see only one solution: death. Nowadays it seems to be normal to not want to live, or to feel bad.
At this point I feel lonely again. I want to crawl in a corner and cry, waiting till I finally fall asleep, partly hoping it's all over then, while another part of me will still hope I wake up, to see the sun again, to know I'm still alive so that I still have a chance to find a hobby, to meet Dennis, and maybe to get more friends too.
So why is it true? Why do people have a good or positive side, and also a bad or negative side? Why were we created that way?

Goodbye world

I'm sick of you, dear world. Let's see if people really can't live without me. Of course they can, that must be heaven. Otherwise I'd like to see them prove they need me. Too bad I can't do much for people.

There we go again

So I don't exactly want to doubt anyone at all, but right now I'm just starting to feel like my boyfriend doesn't love me as much as he used to. It's just so annoying to have that feeling and it's like I used to know he loved me because he called me sweet names and sent me that kiss smiley and he would say he'd hold me close if I was there, and now it just feels like I will never get it because I still don't deserve it. I highly doubt I'll ever deserve it. It's like we're back at where we started: I don't get kisses or hugs unless I send them, and I only get an 'I love you' before going to bed. No 'sweetie', no 'honey', no 'my love', nothing. Like it's just so I'll be fine for now...
Also, I'm dropping everything today. I have no idea what's up, I only know it's really annoying. And I feel terrible. I think I'll stay up for 30 more minutes and then go to bed.

Well this is shitty

Well, tomorrow we'll see if it works.
I have time till 5 I guess. Should be fine then I suppose.

I shouldn't be online in the next days

Well yeah, there's someone I need to leave alone for a while so I guess I shouldn't be online for a while. Well it's a huge surprise if I'm not blocked everywhere yet. I probably am, I haven't checked it yet, and I don't think I want to.
Also, my phone number switched to T-Mobile and now it's kinda funny because now seriously no one can reach me :P Well on whatsapp they can. It's weird, like.. Almost no one sends texts anymore or calls people and yet when no one can text or call me, I feel like people can't reach me.

Crying. Again.

So by now I've asked everyone I know if they would like going to Fantastyval with me. No luck.. Joy wanted to go, but had to go to scouting on Saturday and she has to go to her grandparents on Sunday. Colin wanted to go too, but he has to work on Saturday and on Sunday it's Fathersday and he already has plans. They wanted to go, but they are busy. And no one else is interested. I asked my dad if he could do just this for me, and that I could meet people who like the same thing then. Again, no luck. Come on, he should stop complaining I don't do anything, when he doesn't even give me the goddamn chance to meet people who have something in common with me!
Well, what an amazing birthday I'll have. Not. I was looking forward to something, and again it got ruined. Everything I look forward to gets goddamn ruined and I'm sick of it. I don't know what to do. I feel like shit.

I don't know what to do

Okay so right now it feels like if I'm happy, things will be fine, but I'm not very happy right now so yeah. But then it feels like if I'm sad, things will go wrong and stuff so then I would be more broken and I'd put pressure on others, but now this stuff is putting pressure on me. I just don't get it. I thought I wouldn't go back to the point where I'd just be sad out of nowhere and without a real reason, annoying others with it and taking at least one big risk without really realising it... Fuck being back at that point, this is just really annoying.
Now I can go spend the night worrying about stuff, great... Well it's not like I'm able to fall asleep fast anyway, whenever I decide to just finally go straight to bed instead of listening to music first, I end up sleeping later than I would have if I would've listened to music. It's kinda weird, but on the other hand it isn't because music calms me down.

I've been crying for almost two hours

I'm getting sick of myself right now. So I've been crying for quite some time and now I have a headache and I don't want it to be tomorrow or the day after or the day after... Right now, I admit it.. I feel like whenever I said I wanted to kill myself, I did kinda want it, but nothing made me do it. Right now it feels as if only one little bad thing needs to happen, and then I'm over the edge. I don't want this anymore. I have too many feelings and it's too much to deal with already... Imagine what that would be like as an adult, I would never survive, I already feel like giving up now...
It just hurts... He was perfectly fine without me, he's perfectly fine right now, he doesn't really need me, while I'm lying here with a huge headache, trying to stop crying but I just can't because I feel like I lost him and he doesn't need me and I fucked up and it's just too much. I never knew love could be this painful for just one person, while the other person is perfectly fine. How is it possible you fall in love with someone who doesn't need you nearly as much as you need them?

It's a miracle

It's not like my entire arm and stomach are red and I still have hair.
Okay so right now all I've done was pretty much crying, going crazy, pinching myself hoping all of this is a dream, trying to catch my breath, which still isn't working because I feel like I'll fall down in a few seconds because of lack of oxygen or something, or and I've been shivering and grabbing my hair, nearly pulling it out. Noooo of course nothing is wrong, everything is fine, I'm noooot depressed at all - seriously, stupid school psychologist, what the fuck were you thinking? What the actual fuck were you thinking? "Oh he's fake. He goes out every night. He might even be dating someone else. He might be a 40 year old guy looking for a young girl like you" well shut the fuck up, that'd be you.
I missed him so fucking much and now I miss him again and yet I fucked everything up and I hate this. And there we go again, I'm trying to keep my eyes dry so I don't have to explain it all to my parents, but I feel like I'll have no choice in the end. Or my brother will walk in, asking what the hell is happening. Oh, like he'd understand.
Okay this is annoying, he pretty much told me we could still try and yet I feel like I totally lost him... Okay I admit it, in the next days I'll want to listen to medieval music, but then I can't, because I imagined so much with it, mainly being in Rastede and seeing Dennis and that would break me down now. Weird, isn't it? You're still dating someone, but it feels so much like you lost that person, that it just hurts.
Seriously, God, nature, Jesus, eh.. All the other gods and special people in which people believe, why didn't you create a fucking undo button? Or maybe a "Turn your feelings on/off" button? I would so turn them off now. And tomorrow too, by the way.

Anxiety-attack.. Ish

Okay so I feel like shit and I'm shivering and I feel like I need to throw up and I'm crying my eyes out while it's partly impossible and I can't get control of breathing and I just want to crawl up in my bed and cry and wait till the end. I don't want this, I didn't know it hurt so much, I really didn't.
I guess this is partly why I was so mad about Rastede, and why I was so nervous today. I saw it coming, but it didn't help. Just as with my guinea pig, I saw it coming that he would die soon, but when he did, it still hurt as hell. I don't want this. I just don't...
I knew it. People can't love me. I do something to ruin it, whether I want it or not...

I'm so nervous

So yeah, first of all: GODDAMN IT DENNIS, I'M JEALOUS! I watched the video about Rastede, and now I really want to go. So, since I know no one near me who likes the same kind of music as me, I decided to look for a Dutch forum so find some people. I prefer forums over chat stuff like omegle. I mean, Penpal-Gate is fine, but I highly doubt I can find the right people there. And in the end I did find a forum, but almost everyone there is 30 or older and almost no one is active. Which really sucks, because I found someone who is 17 right now, but she hasn't been active there for like 4 years. >_< Right now I did find one girl, or woman, you choose... She's 19 years old and lives not too far away to meet, I'll put it that way. So yeah, I hope she's nice. And I hope she thinks I'm nice too.
Erm, back to the being nervous. So I was nervous in the morning, but not very nervous. Then at school I wasn't nervous, until the second last hour. I suddenly got so nervous I couldn't concentrate at all. And now I'm still nervous. Thank god no one is home. x) Whenever I'm nervous, I tend to go to the toilet a million times, even if I don't have to go there at all and it's actually really annoying. The reason why I don't really want to say a lot about this, is because it's about Dennis. Right now I'm really wondering how his days were and how he feels about.. Well, about 'us'. Now I don't want to say much about it because I don't want him to change his mind because of something I say here. I mean, I prefer that he says "Maybe we should end this relationship" without knowing beforehand what I think and what the hell is going on in my mind (I'm trying to make my mind shut up, okay? xD) than that he says "We could still try" because he does know what I think. Erm, I mean half of what I think. Maybe even less. I can't say all I'm thinking, that is way too much and I refuse to bother anyone with it. x)

So I'm crying my eyes out

About Monday, yes, I went crazy. I had someone to talk me out of my suicide plans (it weren't special plans so yeah) so it's all fine now.
But I have a different problem now. So Dennis is going to Rastede, and my plan is to watch a video about it and I wanted to try and find someone near me who likes medieval music.
Anyway, right now I feel like shit. So now I have some time to think about my relationship with Dennis and he mainly has 4 days without me, in which he could also find out if he really misses me or not. Now I'm a bit worried he'd meet someone with who he has a lot more in common, but that's not my biggest worry. After all, having a lot in common doesn't mean you love each other. I'm mainly worrying about the fact that he might not miss me that much and then there's nothing I can do about it. I guess I'm worried about that because on a normal day he doesn't exactly have any time to miss me, but that could also be because there's not so much to miss and I'm afraid that last thing is the case. I just don't want that, I don't want this to be the end. I don't want to wait for 4 days to hear he didn't miss me all that much, but you know what would suck? If that thought would kill me, and he'd realise he misses me a lot and then come back and I'm gone. That would suck, so I have no choice but to wait... I do hope he'll have a good time though... Maybe I can find someone to comfort me.

I love you

I love you. I fucking miss you. I regret every negative thing I've ever said to you. I want you back. Please, just please. I can't take this. I fucking love you. I want you back, I need you, please, I beg you... I don't want to live without you...

Fuck fuck fuck

So I feel like shit right now. I have plans for tomorrow, they actually make me fucking nervous, but I can't contact anyone. Colin isn't awake, none of my friends are on whatsapp and I chased Dennis away. Now it's all gone. Now I seriously have nothing anymore.
So I feel dizzy and light in my head and I feel nervous and I feel like shit and I feel like I need to throw up and this is really annoying. I honestly can't believe it's all over, all we ever had...
I just want to end it all right now.

Alright, if you're looking for me, I'm in hell

I'm done. So fucking done.
So my own boyfriend ignores me, then he blocks me, I can't focus on everything and hey, if I have no one who cares about me, why should I live on? Give me one, just one fucking reason. Right, there is none. So, what was it again? 11 more painkillers and I'm dead, finally. And there's no one who cares, how great is that?

So I'm actually not allowed to complain

But I think I'm gonna do it anyway.
But first of all, and most important of all: Happy birthday Dennis <3 Again. Because I said it at 0.00 too. Hell yeah, I was first.
Alright so my guinea pig died, and my mom keeps saying she misses him and my dad keeps saying that he and my mom miss him unlike me. Well I fucking miss him too, it was my pet after all, you know.
Besides that shit, I feel like throwing up. I feel like shit and no one will know today because no one checks this because this blog is boring as hell and full of negative shit that makes you think "Girl, either you stop complaining or you get fucking help". Well help doesn't work, I've tried, believe me. And I got the complaining from my mom~ Well kinda. More the whole being negative shit, my mom is god damn negative too.
Oh and I was right in the end: you don't want to talk to me. Oh, but who would? Especially today. I'm not supposed to be there on special days. No, I should get the fuck out of here on special days, so I can't ruin it. Thanks, I feel super appreciated.

And there we go again

Now I can go and hope no one will come in again.
So right now I'm crying my eyes and I have no idea how to stop and I just feel like shit and I don't want this anymore. I don't know what to do. Why can't pain end? Why can't it ever end? It's always there in some way and I hate it.

Feeling like shit and I have no one to contact

Okay so Dennis went to bed, Colin has exams, I can't contact Joy and I know too much. Meaning this will be a terrible night. Ugh, I really hate it when there's no one to contact...
So earlier today I already cried and now I'm just this close to crying, but it won't work. No, instead I just feel like shit and feel like I need to throw up and scream and throw everything against the wall and I just don't know what to do right now...

Ah, that explains a lot

So a while ago, sometthing.. happened, and not exactly everyone thought it was true in the end. Not that I trusted myself all that much in the case. Anyway, I found out why nothing special happened afterwards. It wasn't enough, it should've been at least two more.
Anyway, back to something that's a bit nicer to talk about. So in two days I'm going to do archery, I really hope my dad didn't forget. Then on Monday I'll be going to London, on Wednesday I'll be back and on Thursday I might be able to sleep in because I won't have to be in class the first two hours. Then on the 26th of May it's my boyfriend's birthday. ^_^ If only I could send him a card or something like that. Anyways, then at the end of this month, there's FortaRock, and I decided to ask my dad if we can go there. Now I just have to wait for the answer. :3 If he says yes, I'm lucky. If he says no, it doesn't matter all that much anyway, but at least I wouldn't regret not asking him, so yeah. ^_^

He really did it, didn't he?

Okay so just now I felt like playing Skyrim so I went to Steam and clicked on 'Play', and now apparently I have to ask Dennis if I can play it. Ugh, forget it. I'll just have to buy it myself at some point but I don't know how much it costs and I probably won't play it that much then so then it'd be a waste of money, so yeah, forget it. ._.
Well, then I gotta find something else to do while there's nothing to do. I'd say I could go and listen to Heroes, the new Sabaton album which isn't out yet. Well, you can listen to it on Spotify if you're following Sabaton and the playlist, they said. Turns out Dennis could already listen to it this morning, while I have to wait till 19.00 so no, I can't do that either. Not that it matters all that much right now, because the album is only half an hour. ._. Deeeaaar Sabaton, your songs are amazing, but way too short. I wish they'd never end. On the other hand, then you only listen to one song, so never mind.
Ah, talking about Sabaton now that reminds me I saw something about Fortarock on TV which makes me doubt now. I was sure I wouldn't go, because it's expensive when you only go there for one band. But you know, apparently you can still buy tickets and it's in the weekend in which Dennis is gone, you know, the long weekend. 31st of May, that's on a Saturday if I'm not mistaken. And I say I'd only go there for one band, but on the other hand, there might be another band I like and in that case I have more music to listen to. So now I'm doubting if I should just ask my parents if I can go, or if I'll just wait for Sabaton to come here again and not hear the other bands play either. Yeah I probably won't listen to them by myself. :P
Well, I suppose in the end it gives me enough to do then. Uh, okay it might not be much, but still. I can take at least one hour deciding this.

Alright, then that's arranged

Instead of waiting here for another hour, doubting if I should still just go to Breda Archery today, realising after that hour that I'm too late anyway, I decided to just ask my dad if he wants to go to Breda Archery with me next Saturday, and he said yes. I already asked that guy from Breda Archery too, he hasn't replied yet. I honestly think the weather wasn't as bad as people thought, so maybe they did train till 4 pm, which would mean they're still training.
Anyway, at least now it's arranged anyway. Not for today, but still. I can wait for a week, plus it's a week of school, so with a bit of luck, the days will go fast. And hey, I have something to look forward too. I have that in any case: In 9 days I'm going to London for 3 days. ^_^ I hope I can take some pictures, but maybe my mom was right. Maybe I should get pounds first, instead of changing it there. After all we only get money for food there, not for shopping, so I'll need my own money.
Anyway, again, my dad reacted better to it than my mom. Earlier today, my mom came to my room to ask me how I found out about archery and why I wanted to try it. Eh, I said it was because of a game. I can't say it's a lie, but it's not really the truth either. But does it matter? Anyway, she thought it'd be the same as with my piano lessons. Her lessons were boring, okay? And now the keyboard isn't in my room, but I prefer to practise in my own room and when no one is around, that is why I don't practise now.
So please be sweet now and hope and wish and pray to nature that the weather will be better next time, please? ^_^

Okay now I'm sad

I really really really wish that guy hadn't sent me that mail this morning, like really. Right now it's not all that windy anymore and I really don't care about rain, so in that case I can still go. After all it's only about 20 minutes from here. Well, 15 minutes if my dad would bring me. But I don't know if they're still training right now or not, and it's kinda rude to just go there when they say it's better if you come another time, right?
Okay I really don't know what to do anymore. I want to go so badly, but I don't even know if they're still there, or if the weather will get worse. I just don't feel like waiting for another week.

Fuck you weather, I hate you

Inappropriate title, I know. But for real, I hate the weather with all my heart now. You know, I don't dislike the weather all that often. I don't really care if there's a storm or if it's hot or if there's snow, as long as I can be inside, it's fine. Well... I do go outside when it's hot. Back to the point: Right now it's windy and rainy, and I don't mind, really. Or actually, usually I don't mind. Now I can cry my eyes out about it.
Okay so today I was supposed to go to Breda Archery, however one hour ago, the guy mailed me to tell me the weather was probably going to be much worse than it is now, so they wouldn't train for a long time and now wouldn't be the best time to come. I'm seriously crying because I was looking forward to it so much, and then the stupid weather ruins it all for me. But not only that is the problem. Right now I feel like I'm disappointing someone without that it's my own fault. Unlike my parents, Dennis was happy that I would finally go outside and try something new. Instead I disappoint him because I'm stuck inside because of the stupid weather. Can it get any worse?

And there we go again

Great, just great. Oh but at least Skyrim works again, so I have something to do. Maybe it'll cheer me up.
Funny how some words can cheer me up, yet the exact same words can make me sad, and the other time it makes me sad I don't get to see or hear those words. It's really really really annoying.
Okay I really don't know what to do about this feeling and it makes me sick that I can't even get rid of it, my god. Why isn't there an undo button in life? And why is there no pause button, or maybe a button to turn off feelings? It would be nice. Really nice.

Uh-oh, that'll be an expensive sport

So yeah, I'm still looking on the site of Breda Archery every now and then to see what you do the first few times you go there. So there are 10 lessons in which you learn basic things (technique, materials, physical stuff, safety, concentration, focusing etc.) and after that you can just practice and you're allowed to join competitions. Now it said that in the first few lessons after those 10 lessons of basic things, they have the bows and arrows and all that, so that means that after a while, you'll need your own bow (and I guess you'll need your own arrows too). So damn it, bows are goddamn expensive. I mean if I really like archery, and if I'll do it for a while (3 years or longer, you know) then I don't mind buying a bow. After all it'd be worth it anyway. But if I'd really search for the kind of bow I want, my god... I'd be searching for a long time, and when I find it, it'd probably cost like 300 euros. Forget it, I'm not going to buy a bow that expensive. ._. So I guess I'd look for something that looks nice, which I can use for a while and which doesn't cost much more than 100 euros. I'm already glad arrows aren't all that expensive.
Also, what the hell is up with the weather? I don't really care all that much because in the next 3 days I don't have to go outside anyway. No wait, I wanted to ask my mom if we can go to Breda Archery on Saturday. ._. Okay maybe I have to send Breda Archery a mail first, but I'll deal with that later, I guess. Or now. I mean if I don't show up, it doesn't matter all that much either, right? Or I could just mail them again to tell them I can't come after all. Anyway, back to the weather. I have to be honest, I always thought the weather didn't affect me all that much, but now I do think it kinda affects me. It's not like the weather was better a few days ago, but still. Now it's all rainy and messy and gosh, I hope the weather won't be like this in London. And I hope that in the last weekend of this month (long weekend ^_^) the weather will be better too.

Ew ew ew

Okay I absolutely hate spiders. DENNIS, WHY ARE THERE GIANT SPIDERS IN EVERY (okay at least two) GAME YOU PLAY? Yuck yuck yuck. I hate them so much and I kept looking away so in the end I did shoot 4 arrows but I think I missed all. And yes, now I'm trying to find my arrows back and I found two, but those spiders are scary, even when they're dead. And the worst part now is that it feels like there are spiders on me now, yuck. I'm never ever going to start over with skyrim, I mean the dragon is awesome but scary when you're just trying to run away from it. That dragon is a really bad stalker by the way. And then there are yucky spiders and yeah.
Wish me good luck. ._.

You were right

I can't stand the truth and I have no life and I'm weak. I can't even stay happy for a full day and when I can, I break down after a few days anyway. And then the worst thing: I'm a dream-crusher. Right when I show you it can be different too, I break down again and show you I can't fully change, and I show you that the thought you had that it'd finally be like that is nothing more than a thought, and that it's not like that. Maybe I wasn't made to be happy.

Feeling like shit

Yup, there we go again. So everything was fine for like... 5 days, I guess? And now I feel like shit again, and I don't know what to do about it or if I should ask someone for help or not. I don't know what to do at all and now I'm crying again. Great, another sleepless night, and then I'm at least able to sleep in because I have holidays, but I either sleep too much or I wake up at 6 anyway.
I don't know where this feeling comes from and it kinda annoys me, and now there's no one I can contact either. I wish I could just stay in my bed all day tomorrow, doing absolutely nothing. Maybe I will, what difference does that make anyway? I would be able to think for a full day, I guess. And if I don't want to think, I could still try to sleep all day long. I only disappoint people anyway.

If you were inside of my head, you would know me.

This sounds very weird, I know. If you see me, all you really see is just a pretty tall girl (ey I do have to point it out at least once :P 1.75m by the way, it might not seem all that tall, but to most people, I look tall. At least in this town) who barely talks and when I do, I turn red. Okay not always, but most of the time. And I might shut down then. ._. Anyways that is pretty much what you see, a shy girl who might as well look as if she's only wishing to be invisible. But boy, if you're in my mind, you know what I wish to be, and what I really am. I mean the me I am in my mind is the real me, but nobody sees that. It's more like that part of me is stuck inside of my mind and can only live on the internet for the time being.
So this morning I was just listening to music, and there was this song and it sounded so happy, so in my head I started dancing and blablabla and in real life I'd never do that. And I love daydreaming, I usually daydream when I listen to music and when I listen to metal, I usually imagine being at a metal festival (goddamnit I would love to go to Graspop Metal Meeting) and with medieval music I imagine being at a medieval festival. So the last one was the case, and I kinda imagined having to work there and then this song came and like we started dancing and trying to make kids dance too and then somewhere there was this shy girl sitting with her mom and I decided to ask her to come and join us and she was so cute (but okay, it's my mind. I can even make nice Dutch guys there *surprise*) and now I just sit here like 'meh, I wish I was good with kids'. Well not only that, I wish I was extrovert. That I could have a conversation with anyone. But no. ._. I really don't know how to change that. Well I kinda do: I could go and work somewhere. I mean if I do something for a while, I can get used to it, meaning I could get used to random people talking to me, and randomly talking to others. But well, then I first need to find the right job for me.

Free

Okay so Dennis gave me this game, Audiosurf, liiiike.. Two days ago? Anyways, I was just playing with a few songs, and then I decided I wanted to play the song 'I don't speak human' (Omnia), so I decided to search for the album and downloaded it. Then I wanted to play 'The Elven Lover', so I downloaded that album too and meanwhile I decided to listen to another song on the album Musick and Poëtree, 'Free'. And now thaaaat is one of the songs I had been searching for for so long. Like it's how I feel, except for the 'free' part. Okay that sounds weird. What I actually mean is the 'I don't fit inside that box'. I mean seriously, I feel like I could ask everyone in my town what they like and do and all that, and I bet there would be no one who likes what I like when it comes to doing stuff and what I listen to and all that. Like maybe one or two, max. is 5.
And now this is what I hate: I have no friends who like my music. And my family, or well, at least my parents and my brother think that my music is crap (mainly talking about SaMo, Nightwish and Sabaton now) and they have nothing with Omnia. Now I would love to go to Rastede, where they have a medieval festival, but guess what? No one here likes it. I would have no one to go there with, and I'm not allowed to go alone. How, just how the hell am I supposed to meet people in real life who like the same as I do? Okay I know one way: Meeting Dennis. He knows people who have more in common with me than the friends I have here, while the people he knows might not even like me. Weird, isn't it? People who might as well dislike me have more in common with me than people who like me. O_O
Back to the point: My parents tell me to go out there and finally make some real friends, well how about that you let me go to places where I can make friends? Real friends? And if you won't let me go alone, fine, I get your point, but then go with me for one day, just one, let me do what I want and just keep an eye on me so you know nothing special happens, let me make friends where I can find them. Instead of telling me to make friends in places where it's hard, let me make friends where I can do it, even if it takes one day of happiness and fun away from you. And that doesn't even have to be the case, why wouldn't you be happy, as a parent, when you see your daughter finally makes the kind of friends she's always wished to have? Well? Come on .__. I wish I could go there with someone. Now I need to find something else to do in those 4 days.

I hate you. I hate you with all my heart.

Then you think you have friends, even if it's only online. Then you tell her some things about your boyfriend, who you know from the internet too. And like a week after that she decides to go and talk to him, why in the first place? And then in the end she ruins a relationship. Thank you, thanks a lot. I think I'm going to the bathroom and throw up for the rest of the evening. I'm shivering like crazy and I'm too sad to even cry. I, and he too, just wanted a nice conversation without fighting for a change. Instead we have another break in which he's going to doubt about me and he's already pissed off about what he thinks I did and what can I do anyway..

Feeling like shit

Okay I have to admit this: I never thought I would feel ugly just because I have a handsome boyfriend (okay everyone has their own opinion, to me he's handsome). So just now I saw his PPG picture and I was like *melts*, but what sucks right now is that my mind is like "Oh, you're having a good time? You're this close to being happy? Give me a second, I'll ruin it all for you!" because seriously. Now I sit here like "But why did he update it? Like does he want to impress someone? Would he be dating someone else? Or is he trying to do that?" and it's like SHOOT MY GODDAMN MIND, WAKE UUUUUUUUP! .__________________________________.
Seriously though. Right now I'm more like "Well fuck. I'm ugly and I have a handsome boyfriend. Well I'm screwed now". Like the chance of losing him is like 1000000000000000000000000000000000000%, if not to someone on PPG, then someone in real life. Okay wow, this would so explain why I don't let him go. No, but seriously. Sometimes I wonder if someone ever saw me and thought "Oh, she's quite pretty". Why do I even wonder? No one thinks that. They just walk by and look at me like "Oh she looks weak, easy to hurt, and she can't even take care of herself". Well no, I can't. Okay and now I'm crying. I seriously hate this, why can't I have a good side, like everyone else? Why can't I be pretty? Why can't at least my hair do what I want? And why the hell does my mind work like this? I'm ruining my own life and it feels like there's nothing I can do about it. If it's not about my mind deciding to think so stupid about things, then it's the feeling of just wanting to sit in a corner, cry my eyes out and do absolutely nothing for days. It doesn't matter how many hobbies I have, I just have that feeling most of the time. Like if I could, I would go sit in a corner now, cry my eyes out, wishing to disappear so everyone whose freedom I took will have it back, so people don't know this complaining girl anymore. I hate this. I'm out of ideas.

And now I'm this close to crying

Stupid mother... I mean she did nothing mean, actually. It was just that she asked when Dennis would be here, since I asked a while ago If he could come here when I had two weeks of holidays. Turned out he couldn't be free on those days and that his parents already hate me and think this won't work out, so they don't even allow him to come here. I fucking hate it right now, because I was looking forward to it, like I could finally be with my boyfriend, but no. Instead that was ruined and now I have to wait for 3 goddamn years, and I can't tell my mom, because she will simply think he's not who he says he is our that we broke up. I just want my boyfriend here, is that really too much to ask?
But on the other hand, it's not like I look good these days. I guess that makes it a bit less of a disaster.

Sorry

"I don't know about non-violence, I've never heard that stereotype before, but as a Canadian I can tell you that we actually do say "sorry" quite a bit. It's less due to politeness and more of a way we've learned to respond to awkward situations."
*Packs bags* Well guys, I'm off to Canada! (muhahaha Justin Bieber, you're going to die. I mean he's Canadian, right?) Anyway, I react the same way in awkward situations. Uh well, online, that is. I rarely say sorry in real life because it makes me feel even more awkward.
And it's orange outside. And it's raining. Well, thank god I don't have to go anywhere this evening.
Also! I have two weeks of holidays now. Two weeks of finding out how to get my hair the way I want it, maybe improve my smile (I wanna look friendly, okay? I feel like I scare people away), improve my way of acting in real life, maybe buy some new clothes so I can wear more of what I really like and maybe finding new hobbies. I guess we'll see that by time.
Right now I'm just tired and not sure if I'll see Dennis on Skype or not *yawn*. Do you ever think of how cute a minion can look when it yawns? *-* Okay I don't know why that popped up in my mind.
Also, I can stay up for as long as I wish now, woopwoop. And next week I might have lots of privacy, because my brother only has one week of holidays.
And my god, I hate hate haaaaaaaate school! I want to see Sabaton live, so I checked when they'll be in the Netherlands. My parents must hate me, whyyyyyy was I born in such a small country? They'll only be here once, at Fortarock. At least 80 euros so you can see lots of bands, but it's a bit of a waste if you go for just one band, isn't that right? So I checked Belgium, since I live in the Southern part of the Netherlands, so I could go there. There they have 'Graspop Metal Meeting', all amazing and stuff, lots of bands too, including Sabaton of course. BUT! Now this is why I hate school: I have school till the 12th of July. And Sabaton will be at GMM somewhere in goddamn June, so I can't go. They'd be there at 0.00 till around 1.15, meaning I'd get home around 3.00 so I'd have about 4 hours of sleep, which is something I really can't have around that time. Then there's Germany, but for that there are two musts: 1. It must be nearby and 2. it must be in my summer holidays. So I found one in the summer holidays, but it's in Ballenstedt or something, which is in the East of Germany, I believe. So I can't go, and I hate this with all my heart. Like I could literally cry about it. And yes, you're allowed to laugh at me for that, it's simply because I've never really loved any bands or people, or at least not this much. Not even Within Temptation or Evanescence. So right now it just sucks that I love Nightwish and Sabaton so much, while I can't see them live for a long time.

I feel 3 things right now

1. I'm upset. I mean it's not weird, I don't like it when someone calls me a bitch, you know.
2. I feel tired. Like someone ate all my energy and all I can do is sit, lay down, eat and drink, and that's all.
3. I'm worried. Like right now I can't contact Dennis, so I can't know how he's doing and right now I feel like he did something against himself and it's my fault and there's nothing I can do about it. But I guess I'll never know.

Just to cheer someone up a bit

I found something to do for in the weekend you're gone, if my mom is free, I could go shopping with her and maybe watch a movie with her or someone else, or see if we can have that 'Disney marathon' with a non-Disney movie in it. Also, if you have more concerts of SaMo or Nightwish or Omnia which I should see, feel free to send them to me when you can.
Also, I'm joining the school musical next year, so I'll hang out with those people from school then.
And now I'll continue listening to music on my phone while sitting on my bed. Let's see if I can cheer up too.

Well that's it

First of all, now my boyfriend's computer is gone, so there's no talking to him anymore. Secondly, I'm done. Totally done. Apparently, I'm a 'little depressed psychopathic bitch'. So you know what? If you say you're so worried about me hurting myself, then I should tell you something: You didn't have much of a reason to be worried but god, now you do. You should be goddamn worried if you care.
I'm done with everything. The people I hang out with don't like me, I can't have a proper conversation with them and I don't want to hang out with them outside of school, because we have nothing in common. My other classmates and the other people from school hate me too and some of them love to bully me too. And then there's my family. I don't have contact with the family of my dad and the family of my mother, well... Most of them feel awkward around me, or they think I'm boring or annoying because I don't talk and I don't answer all their questions. Neither of my parents like me and it's not like my brother is really fond of me either. And now even my own boyfriend dislikes me. And if it's not 'dislike', then it's simply 'not like'.
I'm done. Bye.

Three days grace - never too late

"Even if I say it'll be alright, still I hear you say you want to end your life", well that's how I feel right now. Oh and "this world will never be what I expected" is true too.
Anyway it's a song a friend of mine sent to me and now it's a song that makes me cry. I hate feeling like shit.

Is it even going to stop today?

I don't want to feel sad, I don't want to feel like running away, I don't want to feel like I need to escape. And now again I ruined someone's dream, crushed his hope, great...
I hate this feeling. I thought I got over it. I just want the sun to leave and I want everyone in this house to leave and just break down right here without that anyone can come and freak out on me for what I'm doing and what I've done, and yes, my parents would do that. I crushed their trust and hope too, they stopped trusting me a while ago, and I don't think that finding out the truth made it any better.
You know what, I guess I'm just gonna go and prepare myself.

There's not so much to say

Well not really, no. Except for 'I told you so'. I don't really feel like talking right now, I mean what's there to say? Yesterday and the day before I was super hyper, and I told you so: after that I usually get sad. This morning I broke down, and I thought it'd be for just a couple of minutes, and it was, but I'm just this close to break down again.

Afraid of being ignored

It's so weird, I feel like he's ignoring me while I know he knows better than that. If he really didn't want to talk to me, he'd just tell me...
And by now I'm crying again. But it's kinda like I'm crying without tears, because I have no tears left at all. This sucks...

Nervous and shivering

So I'm like shivering all the time now and I'm super nervous again. ._. Like I really feel like shit now and I feel like I'll never truly be forgiven for what I've done, which isn't weird anyway. I really hate this feeling and I think I need to throw up soon. ._.
I did one good thing today though, I removed a virus. So it's not all that special, but I'm just glad I found out how to do it (after searching for so long on my computer just because I thought I had removed the virus, when Chrome showed it was still there). But then there's a negative side to it: I managed to get a virus on my computer. Again.
Um... Another good thing just to keep it a bit positive then, today with German class I had to have this conversation with someone (I believe we'll get a mark for it) and I did it almost faultless - only I forgot a part of the sentence. Now I get it sounds weird, but we had to translate "How warm was it?" but since we needed to make full sentences that are understandable when you only read the sentence, we actually had to say "How warm was it in the holidays?" and I forgot the last part.
Well... Now I'm back to feeling nervous. Let's see if I can make homework, I probably can't even write correctly because I'm shivering so much.

I hate myself so much

Like really, you can't imagine how much I hate myself right now. I have harmed myself, I have tried to kill myself, but instead of that shit working out, I only hurt my boyfriend. No one else noticed, but what do they need me for anyway?
What does Dennis need me for, actually? I don't give him what he needs, I can't give him the love he deserves. I mean I love him with all my heart, but in the end, what did I give him most of the time? Love or pain? Clearly pain. I've hurt him much more often that I have shown him how much I really love him. But I can't show that anyway, because we're not together, and we won't be for at least 3 years.
I don't deserve happiness, but if I leave now, I'll hurt the one I love most.
I wonder if I'll ever truly stop hating myself.

Okay I'm back

With the toast that wasn't all that burned after all, thanks to my mother. And now I'm gonna go ahead and sit on my bed and eat my toast and cry my eyes out. Like... I knew I would get sad about this and all and I've been sad before when I couldn't talk to Dennis, even if it was for just a few hours, but I never thought I could miss someone as much as I miss him now. I miss him even more than I did when I was gone to Italy, which was much longer than 3 days. I told you so, didn't I? I told you I was going to come back crying, begging for this to be over and being able to be in contact with him again, I told you it would be me, not him.
I don't like this, I don't want this anymore, why did it have to happen anyway? Why did I have to get goddamn sad about bullshit again? Just why? I just want someone to hold me, I don't want to feel this lonely.

I don't want this anymore

Well I guess I never truly wanted this break, but now I just feel like crying my eyes out. I mean, he just contacted me to say 'I love you' and now I just want to cry my eyes out because I really really really don't want this anymore, at all. And now I still have to go downstairs because otherwise my toast is burned - it probably already is. So let's hope my mom won't notice that I'm about to cry.

I just want someone to hold me now

So yeah, I really felt like listening to music again and now I ended up listening to the wrong songs, resulting in me, crying again. I can't take this, or maybe I can, but just not now. I want someone to hold me, no, I need someone to hold me right now, but I literally have no one right now.
I don't know who to contact, I don't know who can calm me down and tell me everything will be alright, I don't know who can comfort me right now. I don't know what to do...

I just got a new fear

Okay, maybe not really 'new'. I mean it's about an older fear of mine, but I guess it changed a bit. I used to be very afraid of losing Dennis to someone else, that he'd find someone who's better, or maybe not better, but that he'd start loving someone else too, or that he'd just stop loving me. Now it has changed a bit: I'm afraid he will love the freedom he has right now so much, that he prefers to keep it, and that I will lose him to that freedom. I'm afraid that he won't contact me on Friday/Saturday/Sunday because he prefers to keep the life he has had since Monday, because he can do so much more then, and his parents, friends and colleagues might as well like him more.
Anyway, I'm just saying now that this was enough worrying for today. I just took a quick shower and jumped in my bed after that (well first I brushed my teeth 'n stuff), but as soon as I lay down, I got dizzy and it hasn't stopped yet. Or well, not fully: I get dizzy, then I feel okay for like 3 seconds, and then I'm back to being dizzy or feeling weird, and I also have an earache. Now I really remember how I felt for 3 days straight last year, it really sucked actually.
But well, I should just go to sleep and see what happens. I can't help but to worry to be honest, not only because that stupid fear of mine, but also because I have no idea how Dennis is doing, it really annoys me. But I guess he's doing fine, probably better than me now, at least. Otherwise he would have contacted me.

I had a weird dream

And now it's my little secret dream. :3 Is it weird though, that once someone is gone for a while, I dream about him/her more? I had that with Nienke too, as soon as I lost her, she appeared in more dreams than ever before. And now I dreamed about Dennis again, twice in one night. It was actually a very evil dream, but also.. Well... Maybe it contains.. Stuff. :P Okay only some people know what I mean by 'stuff'. Stuffy stuff, as I like to say it.
I just wonder if he misses meee! ._. I bet that if one of us would come back begging to stop this break, it would be me. x) I mean seriously, I see myself doing that. I actually already wanted to do that yesterday.
It's kinda weird, because to me it feels like everything goes the way it always goes, yet it feels like something is missing. And now I don't remember much of yesterday either, like it just wasn't there, like it's still Monday. But thank god it isn't. But I hate Mondays because then you have to start school again, I hate Tuesdays because then I have school till 16.00 and I hate Wednesdays because I have art class the first two hours and I haaaaaaate it by now.
Anyway, I said I was going to sleep early yesterday, right? Okay well I failed. I couldn't sleep, so I decided to listen to music. I ended up listening to music till about 0.00 ._. So yeah, that didn't work out well.
Anyway, I'm gonna go and find something to keep myself busy now - even if it means I'll go and learn for a test I have next month. Yes, I really said that. ._. I think I can already tell you what my average grade would be if I actually learned for my tests: probably around an 8. For those who don't know: In the Netherlands we have grades from 1 to 10, one is lowest, 10 highest, everything below a 5,5 is an insufficient mark. And right now, my average grade is a 7,4 but I can do so much better, how do I know? Because I didn't learn for every test, yet I got good grades.

I miss him

Fhjgkhdjfdshkjdhsjfkds!!! ._.
Well, this feeling sucks, but I have to deal with it anyway, because I guess I'll have it more often.
Oh also, I really realised I'm different when it comes to music, because today with music class we had to sing 'Stay' from Rihanna, AND I DON'T KNOW THE GODDAMN SONG! xD And Julia, a classmate of mine, was seriously like "What?! You don't know this song?" so yeah.
Anyways, goodnight everyone, I'm gonna leave for a loooooooooooooong sleep now~ Gosh, I couldn't sleep at all last night, then I ended up listening to Sabaton, Nightwish, ReVamp and Two Steps From Hell till 1 AM, then I still couldn't fall asleep and I woke up at 3.44 or so again. Sooooooo annoying, I nearly fell asleep in school today.

Come on, send it already!

Don't be so slow, Nuclear Blast! ._.
Hmph, this makes me wish even more that I lived in Germany, I bet I'd get it way faster then. But well, at least my mom was fine with it. My mom who stayed home sick today, while she doesn't really look like she's sick. But oh well, I've stayed at home so often when I wasn't sick, so I'm not even surprised if she's not really sick.
Where is everyone by the way? >_< My dad is still working, my brother probably left for training, but where'd my mom be? I believe she left like one or two hours ago, but I wonder where she went.
Also, I'm soooooooo bored. There really isn't so much to do when Dennis isn't around, like... I've been listening to Sabaton (bad choice when you got to know it from your boyfriend and then you have to be without him for a week - it reminds me of him ._.) and I've been watching anime, and it didn't really get boring or anything, but I just didn't feel like it anymore. And now I'm bored again, and I have no idea what to do. I'm almost bored enough to just go and learn for tests we have next month or something. ._.

Now it's all about waiting

For one full week. But who am I to complain, if I said it would be like this anyway? Thinking of it like that, I just reminded myself I never asked him how he felt about this. I could have at least done that, you know. I mean, it's nicer than just saying "We're having a break for a week, bye". And maybe I didn't exactly go that way, but that's how it feels right now.
Also, I never thought it could hurt so much seeing Joy and Colin together. Like I literally felt like dying inside, while I thought I'd be fine. But hey, there's a good thing to it, I guess: 1. I know I still feel things. But I already knew that, especially since I felt like crying this morning. I just couldn't, and not because I knew people would see it, but just because it really wouldn't work. Oh and 2. nobody noticed it, and you can say that's a bad thing, but at least they don't have to worry then, right?
Alright, it's just one week. I can survive this, and even if I can't, I could still send him a message. I wonder how he's doing though, weird, because there's not so much to notice right now.

I can't take it now

So, my boyfriend and I are one a one and a half week break right now, and I'm already crying my eyes out. Try to imagine it: You have a long-distance relationship, and then you go on a break, meaning no talking to each other. All I want is a hug right now. I don't want this anymore, I never wanted this and I'll never want it. I don't know what to do right now, but I can't take this at all... I don't even know what happened.
I just won't go to school tomorrow, I'll find a way..