Muuuusic

Sooo I'm looking for symphonic metal bands right now. I forgot why exactly I wanted to search for them, but anyway, I know two symphonic metal bands right now: Nightwish and Within Temptation. Well, Within Temptation became more.. Rock. It used to be symphonic metal, but well. I still like them. Anyway, I decided to look in which bands Floor has been, so I'm listening to ReVamp right now, and I listened to After Forever before that. I've listened to After Forever before, but I'm still not sure what I think of that band. But it's Duuuuutch, and Floor is Dutch, and Sharon is Dutch, so yeah. Maybe this country doesn't suck that much after all.
And I still want to be in a metal band. One problem: I can't sing, especially not high. ;-; Aaah this sucks. Oh and I don't think I look like someone who would be in a metal band.
That reminds me, I should really do something with my hair for a change. I have.. Weird curls, yes. x) But I don't have a curler, so I can't make nice curls. And straight hair doesn't really fit me, but believe it or not: I used to have straight hair. Then it became wavy and now it's wave-curly. And that's a new word. But it's true anyway, and now I really can't do anything with my hair. I do know exactly what I want, but I also know I can't get it because my hair hates me. But it's something with dying it partly dark brown, and I already have that. Now it just needs to grow (really, dear hair, please grow ;-; ), and all I have to do is to hope it'll be less bad, and maybe, if it's less weird-wave-curly, I could get bangs again. I used to have them, but I let it grow, and now I don't have them anymore.
Oh and I hate my ear. And my earphones. The left ear-thingy of my earphones stopped working, which is weird because when I listen to music on my phone in my bed, I lie on my right ear, so I'd think that one would stop working, but no, that one still works fine. Oh and guess when I found that out: In the morning. So I was pissed off. R.I.P. earphones, but everyone who reads this is invited to the funeral and there will be cake.

I just decided something

I guess that if I don't hear anything from Dennis today, I can assume something happened. But I'm doubting if I should wait till tomorrow to see if I might hear something from him by then.
In any case, if anything at all happened to him, I'm the one to blame, meaning I should be punished and I know exactly how.
Anyway, now I just have about 8 more hours to go and I really hate today right now because either something happened to my boyfriend, or he's ignoring me, and I'm bored, and my dad is annoying me and yeah... I guess I'm just going to lie on my bed, probably waiting for nothing. Maybe waiting till I can do something against myself. Yes, all this waiting is killing me. No, I don't want that anything happened to Dennis so I can do something against myself. It doesn't even have anything to do with each other, I guess...
Gosh, I hate being nervous.

Scared

So either something happened again, or I lost him. In case something happened, I guess I can be a 100% sure this time it really is my fault. But okay... Now I'm just sitting here with a nervous feeling, waiting for him to come online while I don't have to expect him to come online. In case nothing happened, he's probably mad at me. And I get why, but I had the same thing with Nienke: if you're mad at me or whatever, don't ignore me, just tell me what's up. I really prefer hearing I did everything wrong than that I wait here for someone who's going to ignore me for a long time. But Nienke will ignore me for forever now, since she blocked me on whatsapp and she still doesn't react to what I say in real life.
Now I'm just thinking about stuff and yeah, the more I think, the more nervous I get and the more worried I am, and this just sucks. I hate it when you can't contact someone, whatever the reason is.

Waited for nothing

So yeah, in the end I waited for nothing. He didn't come online, or well.. He didn't say anything to me, so yeah. I don't exactly know what to do right now, but I guess it's pretty obvious now what's going on, so I'm pretty screwed. I guess I could've known it, but in any case it's my fault.
But just a bit of good news now, whatsapp works again, *yay* I guess.
But well, I guess I'm going to sleep right now. Or more likely lie in my bed while feeling like shit and waiting to fall asleep. 0

So whatsapp is out

And it actually really sucks, because I can't contact the person I want to contact right now. so I'm trying to install Telegram now, and it's still loading after like one and a half hour. ;-; Well this sucks.
And right now I don't really know what I'm waiting for again. Like I don't know if the person I'm waiting for is coming back today. Or tomorrow. Or ever, maybe? Anyway, I think I'll just stay up for like 3-4 more hours and if he's not here by then, I guess I could go to bed, because I don't expect him to suddenly be here between 1-2 AM. That'd kinda be weird actually.
Anyway, I don't really know how to feel now. Like I feel like shit (no I'm not going to cry), and I keep thinking about the same stuff over and over again, but just a few minutes ago I was under the shower and I said something, I don't exactly remember what, but I said something like "If my body doesn't do what I want it to do, I will kill it. Even though I made a lifetime promise I wouldn't do that. Okay no killing" and then I can just... Kinda joke with myself? I don't know, it's weird. But I have those times more often, when I don't feel good, but I have a hard time being serious too. It just sucks that I mainly feel like shit.
And whatsapp, really, where the hell did you go?

That's just how we are

I guess this is just how we 15-year-olds are: We try to act like we're all mature, yet in the end we just act like 5-year-olds. And I'm not even trying to hurt anybody or whatever, I just thought about it just now. I asked how someone's 15 years old brother acted, and apparently he acted like a 5 years old. Well, I'm 15 too and I usually act like a 5 years old too, and I know more people from around my age who act like that, so... Maybe that's just how 15-year-olds are?
Anyway, guess I'm going to be alone in the next days again. Well, this really sucks, but it's my own fault anyway. Wish me good luck ignoring whatsapp. I usually want to check it a million times because of the groupchats I'm in, sometimes they really can't stop talking so yeah.

Cold

So apparently I'm a bitch and a crybaby. Well I get where that comes from. Anyway, since I'm simply a sensitive person, I just thought that maybe acting cold could help too. I mean, now I'm a crybaby, and people hate that, so what if nothing would hurt me? What if I wouldn't cry at all? Well, maybe it helps. Apparently it's bad to be hurt when something happens to someone you love.
Anyway, since people don't like me like this, I should just change. End of discussion. Maybe I should become a sweet but cold person? I wonder how that's possible though. We'll see.

Waiting

So today I talked to the school psychologist again. We didn't plan on talking today actually, but he called me out of class. Anyway, we talked about stuff, but in the end I didn't even tell him what was really bothering me, and that's not even weird.
So let me explain it: A while ago, I told him about Dennis. I told him I got mad at Dennis for wanting to go somewhere for about 4 days, and I told him that afterwards it made no sense to me that I got mad. He asked me more about Dennis and I told him I thought I got mad because we already don't talk much, since he usually goes to bed at 8. And now here's the reason why I didn't even feel like telling him what was really bothering me: When I told that psychologist that Dennis usually leaves at 8, he said "Oh but how do you know he's going to bed? Maybe he's lying to you and goes to a bar instead" and I got so goddamn annoyed. I already have problems with trusting people, and right now I don't want to hear "Oh but how do you know he had an accident? Maybe he just didn't feel like talking to you for months and wanted to date someone else" and blahblahblah. Like shut up, please, you're not helping me like this. Who in this goddamn world would even lie about having an accident?
Oh and I'm still waiting. I'm almost just literally sitting in front of my computer, looking at Skype with my phone close to me so I can check whatsapp too. I do realise that I'm waiting for nothing though. I don't even have the rights to expect Dennis to come on Skype, and I don't have to expect him on whatsapp too. I actually really just want to send him a message, but I guess I'll just wait for him to come to me instead. The thing is just that he doesn't really need me, so I guess I'll be waiting for a very long time then. I still hate this, I wish it wasn't real.

Even more worried

Yeah I don't even know what I just did, um... But because of something that happened earlier today (not gonna tell you nanananana) I got a bit afraid. Just a several minutes ago (really?) I said I suggested a double-date: Me, Dennis, Joy and Colin together on a date, *yays* and all that. But just now I thought like... What if something happened, and Dennis stopped loving me? Okay, so it's not a huge deal if we won't go on a double-date, I don't really care, you know... It would be fun, but well. It's more a big deal if Dennis stopped loving me, because I know what it's like when you're in love with someone who doesn't love you back and really, it doesn't have to be dramatic and whatever, but it's usually really annoying. I would accept it, but I don't want it, you know? I don't want Dennis to stop loving me, I would love it if people would stop walking out of my life right now. Where is he when I need him?
Now I also realised people don't need me. Because really, apart from copying homework, why would someone need me? I can't cheer people up, I can't make people laugh, I can't help people, I think negative as hell so how could I make someone think positively? Sometimes I just wish someone would really need me. Sometimes I wish someone would lie in bed at night, wishing I was there, maybe to hold that person, maybe to hear that person out, I don't even care about what the reason is. Sometimes I just want people to need me too.

I don't like feeling like this

I don't even know how to handle it.
I'm still nervous and worried and annoyed. I even feel too nervous to start doing homework, so thank god I don't have to do much. But I also have a test tomorrow, and yeah, I'm just going to screw it up. I'm not even going to try anymore, I'm too tired and nervous to learn right now, I'd forget everything in 3 seconds, if I can even keep my eyes open to read something. I already wonder how I write all of this. Okay, yes I can write with my eyes closed, but still, I prefer to be a 100% sure I wrote the right thing.
And yeah, I'm yawning all the time. Sometimes I think I understand how someone feels (physically), but then when I feel the way they did, I realise I had forgotten how it felt. I also forgot how it felt when I broke my wrist, but I do remember how it felt afterwards. It was like my arm could fly away because it was so light.
Oh and I just saw a video of myself, someone made it with PE today when we had to show something and I realised I really can't dance, while I do think it's fun. I would just fall a million times, sadly. Otherwise I could've asked my parents if I can go to some dance practise stuff again, I guess I could make Dennis proud then...  Anyway it's so weird to see myself then, like really really really weird. And that reminded me, I weigh about 57 kg now, so I lost 2 kg and at first I didn't even understand that, until I reminded myself I ate less in the past days. You know, sometimes we have a short day in school, so I don't take much food with me, and sometimes I don't even eat it when I do take food with me.
Also, I'm jealous of Joy. She's going on this date with Colin on Friday, and Colin is planning on asking Joy if she wants to be his girlfriend and it's actually really sweet. But it's weird to think that I have a boyfriend, and that we've never been on a date, and maybe we'll never go on a date. In any case, I want him to stay in my life. Just not as 'the guy who left me', but you get my point. Oh but I did suggest a double-date, so Dennis should be prepared for someone who is really hyper, and... Colin is fine, I guess. I don't even really know him, but I mean he's not hyper. And he hugged Joy in a really sweet way today and I got so so soooo jealous because I want that too. Even though right now it should be the other way around and I should be the one hugging Dennis.

I get his point now

I'm tired again, while I slept perfectly fine. I think I get it now: Being worried and nervous all the time simply makes you tired. So if that's the case, it's not that weird that Dennis is tired all the time.
And I'm starving. Starving and tired. And broken too, by the way. Right now I feel like turning the light in my room off and turning my computer off and then just look outside and doing nothing else at all. Just silence, no annoying lights, just looking outside... It wouldn't make me feel less nervous though, and my parents would complain.
Oh and I have a new Flappy Bird record: 93. I wonder how I did that, really. I only know I usually play it when I'm really bored so yeah.
Anyway, I just realised I'm waiting for someone to come online who won't come online for a while. Yeah I thought I'd be able to talk to Dennis today, but no. But it's not weird, I don't have to expect him to go on Skype, and whatsapp... Even if I would want to know what happened and if he would be fine with explaining it, he probably wouldn't do it on whatsapp. That'd probably take too long anyway. Back to the point, I probably won't see him for a week or so, I guess... Well, this sucks. It really does. It sounded so cold today... But I deserved that anyway, because this is my fault. And I guess it could've been worse. Imagine how you'd feel if you'd fight with someone, and the next day you know that person might never come back. I would think all the time like... The last thing you did, was hurting him, hurting the person you love most. It'd kill me, I'm sure. This already kills me.

Relieved

Yeah so I feel a bit better now than before. This morning things were kinda fine and I felt 'more awake' than usually, I guess that's because I fell asleep quite early after all. But when I went downstairs, I let something fall and then I suddenly reminded myself of yesterday and then I started to feel like shit, and I got really, like really tired. Since then I've been very tired, so I think I'm going to bed in a few minutes.
Actually I've been waiting all day for a message from Dennis. I did get it, and I thought I'd be happy, but no, instead I cried my eyes out. I mean, thank god he's alive: I told someone I know about what happened and she asked me if he died, and I actually got this little heart-attack, and suddenly I was very worried.
Also, Sanne realised something was wrong with me in the break, so she asked me what was wrong and I broke down in tears and it is great to have people around you at those points, but if it doesn't help... Well, that just sucks. I appreciated it, but I just wanted to be around Dennis, hug him and what not, but that was impossible and it still is.
And I've been thinking about something. You know, yesterday I wondered if I even wanted to know what happened or not, but there's something I didn't think of. Who said he wanted to tell me what happened? Maybe he prefers not to say anything about it. It's not even up to me, it's up to him. The reason why I don't exactly want to know what happened, is because I'm scared. And what if it was my fault? I still feel like that.
But anyway, just so there's a bit of good news too: I might talk to Dennis again tomorrow. It's kinda weird how one day you see someone and nothing is wrong, you're happier than you were before, then you don't see that person anymore and then you start fighting with the same person, and the next thing you know is that something went wrong. I feel so goddamn guilty, really, I hate this feeling.

Feeling bad

So yeah, something went wrong and I actually feel responsible for it. No, I actually /am/ responsible for what happened. And I already got punished for it too.
So I got to know it before dinner, so I had to try my hardest not to cry my eyes out, but when I was done eating, I started crying straight away. I don't even know the full story yet, but I feel so bad about it. And I felt so helpless too, you know, there's nothing I can do about it at all. And even now I can cry about it. I stopped crying several minutes ago because I could talk to Christian for a short moment, and he managed to cheer me up a bit. And now he's gone, and now I'm sad again.
It's kinda weird... I probably won't be able to sleep tonight, but right now I'm doubting if I even want to know the story or not. I'm just scared, and I don't know anymore. What the hell have I done? It's all my fault.

What is up with me?

Okay I might be a very emotional person, but not that emotional that I cry because of every sentence that reminds me of something sad, like really? Why the fuck did I cry just now? ;-; Really, I don't get myself right now. I don't cry as much as the people who know me think I do, but I do cry quite often. Now I didn't cry hard for a while, now yesterday I did cry hard, today I had to try my hardest not to start crying, then after school I listened to the song 'Our Farewell' from Within Temptation and then I started crying again, then that was done and like half an hour ago I listened 'Whole world is watching' from Within Temptation ft. Piotr Rogucki (I hope I spelled that right) and then I had to cry again while the song is not thaaaaaat sad, and just a few minutes ago I had to try not to cry again and that was when I was listening to a song about love.
Kay, my emotions hate me right now, don't they?

Not knowing what to do

So I have no idea what to do right now, I don't even know what's happening right now. I don't know if this was the end, I don't know if I won't hear a thing until I'll talk to my parents, I don't know anything at all.
Also, I screwed up my Cambridge test, and yeah she was complaining and what not... The weird thing is, she didn't seem to be mad, not even very irritated, only a little bit because she just didn't understand what was up with us. This is really the first time I got such a bad mark for a unit test, and it kinda broke me down, I really hate it. And yeah, at some point I nearly started crying. Not even because of the mark though, I just really didn't feel good.
Oh and now we have this 'Oops I talked in Dutch' thingy, and then you have to give the teacher 10 cents and at the end of the year, she will buy us something from that money. So, we changed groups and now I'm with Pierre and Joy. Pierre seems to hate me, but we're together a lot lately when it comes to working in groups. Anyway, we talk quite a lot now, like everyone in my Cambridge class, and now my teacher said something in Dutch so we were like "Oops, she talked in Dutch. I'd like to get 10 cents from you now".
And I'm freezing right now. Why do I always freeze when I'm mad? Or when I've been mad, actually. Yeah I was mad earlier today... Maybe I'll explain that later. I'm just going to wait to feel better now.

Crying my eyes out

And it happened again, yeah. Right when he left, I decided to listen to some music (Within Temptation for a change) and then I started crying my eyes out. Some people say you'll feel better after 'you let it all out', but I still feel as bad, if not worse. So... I don't even know right now if it's over or not, I only know I feel like shit. Maybe I should go on with my plan after all, maybe it does help. I just really don't know anymore. I'm tired of fighting, tired of making people mad, tired of making people hate me, tired of crying my eyes out, maybe I just can't take real life.
But about the 'not knowing if it ended' part, if it didn't end now, it will end in 3 years or so. I can't stop it anyway. I can't stop people from slipping away.
I just don't want to feel lonely anymore. I want him here. I want his heartbeat to calm me down. I want his arms around me. I want him to tell me it'll be alright. I want him to kiss me. I want him, but I can't get him... I've stopped knowing what to do.
Great, now I'm crying again. Gosh, why am I even so weak? Why did I make myself fake? Why do I make people hate me? Why did I make myself hate me? Why do I do all those things, and more, without realising what is happening?
Help...
What if this night will be the last time that I've seen him?

Like the way it used to be

Do you know that feeling you get when you see your crush? Do you know those moments when you imagine spending your full day with him? I kinda thought I would never understand or have those feelings again, since I have a boyfriend. But it's not exactly the way I thought.
So today I saw my boyfriend. Well, virtually. I wouldn't even know why he'd be in my town. o-o Anyway, so I saw him and yeah I'm in this groupchat with Lotte, Sanne, Joy, Elise and Anise and I thought like now is my time to start fangirling. x) You know, I don't really care if they think I can get better, I really don't. Because they don't know him, and that is the problem. They judge from what they see they don't get how I feel about him, and they don't get how it actually hurts when they say such things. It's really annoying and they just don't understand that. It actually surprises me that even Joy acts like that while she has a crush on someone too.
But yeah, I love him. And I need a hug. Really, where are teddies when you need them? Gooosh. ;-;

Goodbye..?

I don't know anymore. Is this the end? I wonder, how can people get old? How can you live healthy? How can you be happy for a long time? Does happiness really exist?
I feel like this is the end. Nobody notices it. But how do you write a goodbye note? Where do you leave it for your family, when do you send it to your friends, should you even do that, or should you just let them notice?
My so called friends wouldn't notice, my mom would probably try to wake me up if my body would still be here, but I don't know... What do you do when the end is near? How do you leave?

So now I know that too

Some things are better to keep hidden, talking about it is just going to give you bad things. Maybe talking about feelings isn't good at all, you know. Like with that psychologist, he always asks my how I am and how I was in the week that I didn't see him, but why is it so important to feel like shit again because you have to talk about something shitty, while you were perfectly fine before? I do get it now. Sometimes, talking about how you felt before, or about you feel at all is just going to give you more shit. Maybe life was created to be shitty?

You were right

I'm sorry. You were right about everything you once said to me. You were right about everything you said about me, and I understand why you think of me like that. I get it, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I can't change, I'm sorry I'm not what you always wanted and what you always dreamed of, I'm sorry for disappointing you. You were right all along, I was wrong. I'm sorry for ever fighting with you, I'm sorry for everything, really everything. You don't have to forgive me, but please, just please become happy, please.
I'm sorry.

Screw Valentine's day

So my day didn't exactly start off well. It started at 0.00 because I actually kept Dennis up till midnight for pretty much the first time, while before that I told him I never kept him up till midnight and yeah, this sucks. So... I don't even know what to do about it.
Also, I'm jealous as hell. So yeah, it's Valentine's day. Nothing special has ever happened to me on Valentine's day, because people simply don't like me. So this is the first Valentine's day when I do have a boyfriend, but who knows what happens. Nothing special, because we live too far away from each other. The point is more that we fought again yesterday so I have no idea what's going to happen today. I do have a bad feeling about it, to be honest.
But now the reason why I'm jealous: Joy has a valentine now, she asked Colin, a friend from Elise, she's had a crush on him for about two months now, and she finally did something. And he said yes, like I said before. And I'm so jealous, because such things will never happen to me, I won't have that special day when someone will ask me if I want to be his/her valentine and that I would actually have a day full of love and what not. I hate this, I feel so empty. I always feel empty when I break up with someone, or when someone breaks up with me, which is not the case right now, I hope... But right now I just feel empty because I'm so jealous. I'm thinking of how much Joy and Colin could do together, and they're planning on going on a date too, and I'm just sitting here, totally empty because Dennis lives too far away to do anything at all... No hugs, no kisses, no having fun while being together, nothing. And it kills me, it really does. It kills me that I know we won't be together for about three years, and I hate it with all my heart. I feel like I'm slowly going crazy too, and I don't know what to do at all. What if it would all end? What would you do?

Crying and crying even more

I just realised I'm not 'over' Nienke at all. She was my friend, I hate letting friends go, but I feel like she doesn't understand it at all. I took a shower several hours ago and at that time I really wanted to send my mentor a mail, asking if I could talk to him sometime so I can discuss that, but I know that Nienke just wants me to leave her alone.
Also, yesterday didn't exactly go.. Yeah.. Great, I guess. I feel guilty, and yeah... I feel horrible about it, yet I'm pretty sure I won't act any different tonight, because I never do. I don't even understand myself.
And yeah, I have a cold, still. My eye was all teary yesterday because of it, I guess, but in any case it's fine now, but having a cold really sucks. And Anise was sick today again (she wasn't in school twice), but she came to school today for the first two lessons (PE and PE, yes, two hours of PE ;-; ) and I guess I appreciated it because she's in my group with.. Something, and yeah. But then at some point my teacher made two groups, and he gave everyone a number, 1 or 2. And we were just sitting and Joy and Anise sat on my left side. Then Anise ran to my other side right before my teacher came, so Anise and Joy would be in the same group and I was in the other group. Sweet, yeah, thank you for liking me so much. I like you too. Not. But for real, I was pissed and I'm still pissed at Anise. At first I was pissed at Joy, Anise and Elise (Elise was in their group too, so I was all alone), but then I realised it wasn't Joy's fault, she didn't tell Anise to do that anyway. And Elise wasn't even there at first, so she didn't decide to join Joy and Anise. It was only Anise, so yeah. I'm so fucking pissed at her right now, because it's like... She just threats me less like a friend everyday and I hate it. But I get it, everyone likes Joy most. And hey, I wouldn't like being friends with me either.

It's actually not that bad

So I can't really talk to my boyfriend, but I just thought about it and you know... For once, it's not that bad:
I can finish my homework faster, so then I have more time to draw. Then when I go to bed (21.30), I can listen to music and 'daydream' a bit. I wouldn't exactly say it's 'daydreaming' when it's at night, but if I say 'dream', then it sounds like I'm sleeping and that's not what I mean.
But, what I just mean is that not being able to talk to my boyfriend for one day doesn't have to be the end of the world. Honestly, it's the end of the world and then the next time when I can talk to him, I jumped to another planet. Well how freakin' amazing is that? I jump from planet to planet. But I seem to hate every single one of them.
No for real, my mind is acting weird now. It's like... Okay, I just can't be serious and I can't concentrate, so when I'm talking about something, I suddenly start talking about something else and then I forget what I wanted to say. Weird, huh?
I could just stop saying what I. So yeah, homework. Blegh. I hate it. Really, I only feel like learning for things and making homework when I'm at school - there I like learning, but I still hate school. Oh and I got my English test back and it's not that bad. I have a 7 (out of 10, 10 is best, 1 is worst) woosh woosh~ And tomorrow I have a unit test, but I'm not that worried about it. Wish me luck though~

Drawing drawing drawing

So em... I forgot if I said this before, but my tablet works again so I finally have something to do again. I'm a really impatient person when it comes to things such as drawing, and I really hate that because it often means I can't improve (since I get mad when things don't work out). So, now I made a plan, I already made a start, but it will take a while. Maybe I'll say the plan later on, maybe I won't~
So, I'm feeling fine right now. But I'm also worried. Weird, fine but worried. Anyway... Do I have homework for tomorrow? Oh well. Why am I talking about homework? Okay I do have to make it in a few seconds. Let it beee, okay? I can be fine too. Hehehe, bee. I hate bees. I don't remember if I saw any last year. I wanted to say 'this year' but it's 2014. And I say it's Autumn. A never ending Autumn - you can write great stories with just that. On the other hand, you'll get a movie like the disney movie Frozen - which is a fine movie btw. ^_^
Okay, I didn't say what I wanted to say. So yeah, I'm worried and then my head goes crazy again (in a bad way) and so I'm thinking of terrible situations again, and often I'm like "Well it's possible, but it's probably not like that". However, right now I'm more like "It's possible. What if it's like that?" and I don't know what to do anymore.
Also, I hate trying to contact someone, but you can't reach that person anywhere at all. And that while there's Facebook, Skype, Whatsapp, Viber, and even more. I just can't think of more, kay? Okay why is it so hard to stay serious right now? Anyway, I can't reach that person anywhere right now and it's killing me - so I know what's going to happen if the situation I was imagining is true. I'll be killed~ No for real, I know I can't stay serious now, but really, if it's true, I really don't know what to do. What if he'll never come back?

New record

So my record was 24 for a while, but just now I wondered how Dennis could get such a high score (...32?) and then I got 42 so yeah.
Oh and yes, I'm still awake. And Dennis, when you read this - it's not exactly because I'm going to continue with my plan, I guess. I just can't really sleep and I don't know what to do. It's like.. I'm tired, but I'm not, you know. Weird.

I feel like shit

I hate this. I hate life. I hate everything. I swear to god I could just give up right now, I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel terrible and I can't handle this feeling anymore but he was right, it's my own fault. Everything that has ever happened was my own fault, but why was I never punished for it then? Isn't that unfair? Shouldn't I be punished? Isn't it exactly what I deserve? I really believe it's exactly what I deserve.
You know, sometimes I wonder... What would happen, if I would just be gone one day? How would people feel? Would they care, would they even notice it? I feel like lots of people wouldn't notice it. There wouldn't be a difference for them, I meant nothing in their life. Sometimes people already are scared if they think of it, you know, some people only get scared when it gets close to them. I can't handle thinking of someone I know dying, even when that person is really healthy, I would cry. And I know I would cry a million times harder if that person would die. But some people don't cry when they think about it, some people think like "No, that won't happen to anyone I know". But you never know, you can't be sure...

I found something out

Playing Flappy Bird with teary eyes doesn't work - you don't see everything straight so you have no idea when you'll hit something. ;-; Still got 14 points though.
Also, I have a plan. And I seem to like the words 'so' and 'also', I guess? Anyway, I have a plan. Not a smart plan, but I don't give a fuck. Maybe it works, who knows. And I already made a start ages ago, woop woop - one thing less to do, I know exactly how it works. Now all I have to do is hope that my dad has to leave at 7.00 am or that he gets up at 7.30 and then I'll be fine.

Lonely

Well, I feel very lonely right now. And again, no talking to Dennis yesterday, only talking for about 30 minutes the day before that, and probably no talking to him today either. Totally great, yeah. Not.
Also, I'm going to a musical today - which is one of the reasons why I can't talk to Dennis today. Not sure if he's ignoring me or if he's just not there btw. - Anyway, the musical. Elise and Sanne invited me to come with them (they're actually in the musical too) and I'm looking forward to it, but I also don't want to go. It has several reasons. One of them too is that the pen of my tablet finally works again, so I really want to draw.
And, finally, I'm freezing. Does someone want to come over and have some sort of hug party? I really need hugs now and I'm really freezing, so... :c
I hate feeling lonely.

Feeling like shit again

So when I do something wrong, I feel like shit. And then I do something right for a change, and then I still feel like shit.
Also, it's very annoying when you feel like crying but you can't, because you have dinner in a few minutes. And then you just think like.. "I can cry as much as I want after dinner" and then after dinner you can't cry anymore. Like what? T_T It's actually very annoying. Sometimes you just /want/ to cry to get it all out and then it's very annoying if you can't.
Aaaand I'm really a daydreamer. Today I was daydreaming like all the time - also in school and I can tell you, it's not very smart because you don't learn a thing then. You don't even hear what people are saying. Also funny, you see their mouth move, but you have no idea what they're saying. But it's annoying when you're daydreaming about something you wish was real. Which I do pretty much all the time. In that case, my life is kinda one big dream. The annoying part of this just is that it's about love, and I don't get that physically. At least not yet, which really sucks... But yeah, dreams are quite lovely then.

Life sucks

Well yeah, sometimes life just sucks. So yesterday was.. Shitty, worse than that, and now I wonder about something, but I can't ask that person because he's not here - which shouldn't surprise me at all. It's my own fault anyway, I shouldn't have expected anything else. But I must admit I'm actually very worried right now...
Also, I had to ask Nienke something today because someone borrowed something from me and gave it to Nienke later because she thought I was still friends with her, so I had to go to Nienke and ask her if she could give it to me. I never thought I'd get nervous when talking to Nienke, since she's at least one of the reason why I talk more now. But yeah, I was kinda nervous but she gave it back. I just have no idea if she looked me in the eyes because I didn't because I was so nervous. T_T
Okay now help me. I'm worried as hell. And annoyed as hell. Yeah, it's that time of the month again. T_T Almost literally dying over here~ Nah, but it's annoying.
And I'm still worried. And I don't like being this worried at all. What have I done?

Feeling alright

Except for the fact that my body likes to be hurt somehow... Anyway, yeah I feel alright right now. I don't exactly know why, but oh well, who cares anyway?
Also, today when we had to clean up after art class I was waiting to hang something up (1. I don't know what that thing is called and 2. this sounds weird now, doesn't it?) and Nienke, who used to be a friend of mine and now hates me somehow and blocked me on whatsapp (fair enough, I didn't want to leave her alone so I guess I irritated her as hell) um anyway, yeah she's been ignoring me for a while, and she wanted to hang.. The same thing up, and I decided to say "You can give it to me, I'll do it for you" (after all I'm much taller than she is, so it was easier for me) and she didn't ignore me *yays*. Congratulations if you can follow the story. Point is, she didn't ignore me and kind of treated me like a normal classmate. But I think it was only because I offered her some help with something small like that. I just wish she would unblock me on whatsapp and fully treat me like a normal classmate, like, that she won't ignore me at all... Then I can just live with the fact that we're not friends anymore.
The reason why I can't live with that now is because I have enough haters and don't need another one, and I'm also very afraid of losing friends, especially since I'm not good at making friends. So yeah.. It hurts that she's ignoring me because I 'ignored her', while I think I did nothing wrong. Besides that, it was that I didn't look her in the eyes when I was standing with others, but ignoring means (I had to learn this for the Cambridge test we had) 'not notice someone on purpose', meaning I didn't ignore her, because I didn't do it on purpose. Bam, I win. I just wish we could be friends again, you know. I had fun with her.

Extremely mad

So yesterday I got really mad out of nowhere, and then I told my boyfriend to leave me alone? Okay, that really made no sense. But, in any case, I know I was sad and annoyed before that, but I really don't remember why I got mad. And just now I got extremely mad too, and I just want to throw everything around but I also want to act my anger out on myself - meaning I want to hurt myself, maybe it helps. And that's when it's annoying when you made a promise you will never hurt yourself again. It's hard, and I don't know what to do, I really don't.
Also, I'm worried as hell right now. I don't exactly know what happened yesterday, I don't fully remember and I'm just really confused. But right now I'm just very worried about my boyfriend, I really wonder if he's okay. I can't ask him now though, and I don't know if I can ask him tomorrow either.
Back to hating everything. Most things. Jfkehksrlswjfjksel I hate this.

Crying my eyes out

So today we got back our German grades. Seems like I fucked it all up and I feel so fucking bad about it. I /need/ to be able to speak German. I need to be able to speak it properly in 3 years and fine, you can say 'Calm down, you still have 3 years which is a lot of time' but nobody gets it, just nobody does. First of all I want to be good at something, I want to be able to speak German and I just hate the fact that I suck at it anyway. I suck at every fucking thing in life.
Secondly, my tablet just fell against the fall, awesome...
I just want to cry my fucking eyes out, I can't take it anymore and that all just because of something stupid such as a bad grade or that something falls. I hate this. I hate everything. I want to fucking die right fucking now. I don't want this anymore...

"But long distance relationships don't work"

That is what a classmate of mine said a while ago.
Just shut up and watch. If you don't know anything about it, don't say a word about it. Don't talk about it as if you know everything about it. Maybe I don't know everything about it either, but still, I love him. It will work. No matter what, I won't just give up. Not yet.

When you don't know how to feel

-at all.
For real, I have no idea how to feel right now about anything at all. I'm kinda confused, I guess. And I have no idea what to do about it.
Why, just why did I learn how to shut people out of my life? Now I don't even want to do it, but it happens all the time and with the wrong people too. It's like I'm not just ruining other people's life, but my own too. That honestly is the case: It weren't those annoying people who ruined my life, it was me. And it wasn't even ruined, I just thought it was, so I made it worse, and I ruined. And now everything is just fucked up and god, I'm so annoyed.
But at least I have candy in my room. Yumyum. At least I have something to distract myself - which is actually supposed to be homework, but I'll start with that in a few minutes. Oh but then my mom comes, "If you keep eating like that, you will get fat". Like shut up... Just leave me alone, complaining about everything I do will only make everything worse.

I hate this

So yeah, I feel terrible again. And no talking to my boyfriend today - just like yesterday. Amazing, great, really. But it's my own fucking fault and that makes all of this a million times worse. But he doesn't see that, he doesn't know it so it's okay anyway. And nobody cares.
Also, there's something I really want to talk about right now. And I know who I'd tell it, but I know he doesn't like talking about it, so I guess I shouldn't bring it up then. It really annoys me though...
Now I want to go to bed too. There's nothing for me to do anyway. I hate this. I hate everything.

I want to move out

Honestly, I'm so tired of having this feeling. I'm 15 years old, so I can't move out yet. Besides that, I don't have the money for it. I want it so badly... I don't like having to wait for such things. I don't like the fact that I have to wait till I can move out, or till I can finally meet Dennis.
I just really want to be alone right now. Not that I really don't want to talk to anyone, but I just want no one else to be home. I want silence. Honestly, that is really want I want now: To just sit in a corner, doing nothing, hearing nothing, just staring - at the clouds, maybe -, having nothing to worry about for just a few minutes, maybe an hour, I don't know.
Do you know that feeling? That feeling of wanting everything to end, except for the few things you really love? If I could just make it happen...