Crying my eyes out

And it happened again, yeah. Right when he left, I decided to listen to some music (Within Temptation for a change) and then I started crying my eyes out. Some people say you'll feel better after 'you let it all out', but I still feel as bad, if not worse. So... I don't even know right now if it's over or not, I only know I feel like shit. Maybe I should go on with my plan after all, maybe it does help. I just really don't know anymore. I'm tired of fighting, tired of making people mad, tired of making people hate me, tired of crying my eyes out, maybe I just can't take real life.
But about the 'not knowing if it ended' part, if it didn't end now, it will end in 3 years or so. I can't stop it anyway. I can't stop people from slipping away.
I just don't want to feel lonely anymore. I want him here. I want his heartbeat to calm me down. I want his arms around me. I want him to tell me it'll be alright. I want him to kiss me. I want him, but I can't get him... I've stopped knowing what to do.
Great, now I'm crying again. Gosh, why am I even so weak? Why did I make myself fake? Why do I make people hate me? Why did I make myself hate me? Why do I do all those things, and more, without realising what is happening?
Help...
What if this night will be the last time that I've seen him?