Alright just let me point this out

I do not exactly wish to die because of what happened. I just still wish every single day that this is just a fucked up nightmare and that I'll wake up soon, knowing you're still there. I swear to God this is driving me crazy and there's no one I can talk to. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't keep up with school, I can't take care of myself anymore and I don't even know how or when or why all of that happened. But you know what makes all of this even weirder? The only one who showed they cared about me, was my German teacher. Not even my mentor or my friends or family.

I just have to say this somewhere

Something is really bothering me, but I don't know who to tell it to, so I guess I'll just write it here for now.
Just a moment ago, I had a... Well, I had some some sort of 'attack'. It's nothing bad, really. But I realised what all I've lost. I've lost pretty much everything I cared about.
For example, my hamster was my life, but I didn't take good care of it so it died and I'm still in denial. Same thing with my guinea pigs. Also, I loved my relationship, but I never really showed it, and now it's gone. Also I had this great friend but instead of showing her I support her, I didn't show her I was there for her so I lost her. And now, I'm about to lose my home as well, unless my mom decides she's fine with having me live here.

So, let me get this straight

First, I hear I have had an ear infection in my right ear for about 10 years. Then, half a year later, we plan an operation for that. Two weeks before the operation, I get ill. Then I get an ear infection in my left ear which caused me to wake up at 1 am, unable to go back to sleep. And now, at 4 am, I'm awake again. Not because of my ear infections, but because of a fucking nosebleed and the horrible headache that came with it.
What the hell is going on here? My left ear was totally fine and suddenly it also has an infection, and now I have a nosebleed (and I don't know what to do about it) while I haven't had a nosebleed since, I don't know, since I was 5? And I've never felt a headache like this, since I usually don't have headaches. Well, wish me luck getting back to sleep I guess? I'm so tired...

It feels kinda weird

So, apparently, people go from liking me to hating me in just a few days. Kaay so this really shouldn't surprise me, but it surely feels weird.
And I have two ear infections, oh how great! Oh and a cold. And it has to be over by the 3rd of April.

I don't want this

I want my hearing back, I want Dennis back, and I want my life back on track. I don't want any of this. I don't fucking get what I have to do to get it all back. And now I'm sitting here, crying again, because I can't take this shit.

Honestly

It's not like I don't see the 'beauty' of life, it's not like I think life can't be good at all, but I just don't want my life.
I'm failing school, my boyfriend left me, my dad keeps talking about my flaws, people in school make me feel bad, my friends get mad at me for giving my opinion, I can't make new friends, I have two ear infections right now and... Eventhough all of this sounds like not much of a hell but rather like a bad day/week/month, it does feel like hell. I'm not happy, I'm not happy at all. I was happy, I was fine several days ago. I feel like certain things could be fixed, but you won't hear me out.

Well, that's the end of that

I woke up today to find out my hearing is pretty much gone on both sides. I can barely hear anything at all. And music was the exact thing that was keeping me from thinking about what happened in the past days, and now I even lost that.

If you loved me

Why did you give up so easily? Why didn't you hear me out?
I don't want this, I don't want to live like this. I don't want anything. Everywhere I see things and hear things that remind me of him and I just can't do this. Why couldn't you just hear me out? Why won't you give me a chance?

This hurts

So first of all: there's way to much love on TV. Secondly: there's way too much love at work. Thirdly: I feel pretty ignored by the one I still love most. I mean I know there's nothing I can do, so I'll just end up alone. If the one who cared most about you left you, and you know no one will care as much about you as you cared about him, then it's useless trying.

I can't even watch TV

Because everything is about fucking love and dear comedy central: fuck off, Valentines day was one month and two days ago so you're too fucking late with your "lovey dovey day".

It still hurts

Since I don't really want to talk about it with anyone but I still want to write it down, I'll write it here.
I keep crying out of nowhere, and it's really annoying. But at this point I can't watch anything that has something to do with love, I can barely even watch Family Guy without feeling bad. It just hurts when you thought you'd be together with someone for a long time, and then it just ends and there's nothing you can do about it, resulting in you not wanting to do anything at all, and not wanting to love ever again. If I want to be together with anyone, it'd be with him. So I guess I should stop falling in love at all.

I can't sleep

So, thanks to volleyball at school, I now have a sprained ankle which makes it even harder to fall asleep. I don't know, it doesn't really hurt, it just feels really really weird and when I make a wrong movement, it feels annoying (and it hurts a little). And I can't walk properly, but that's got nothing to do with the fact that I can't sleep.
Lately I can't fall asleep at all and this doesn't make it any easier. Damn it, dear body, just stop annoying me, it's not funny!
Alright, yeah in case it wasn't clear, the sadder/more stressed I am, the weirder and less funny my humor gets.

I just want another chance

But my problem is that I won't get it and I don't know what to do about it. I have a testweek coming up which will probably be filled with tons of stress and way too much sadness resulting in me not being able to learn everything very well.
But I suppose I'm lucky. Every day I only have to be in school for 1 or 2 hours so I'm alone most of the time. That already makes it a lot easier because at least I can let it all out for now.
Also, just three more weeks till the operation and I'm really getting nervous, which is kinda weird because it really are 3 full weeks.

So, I got my password back

Apparently someone posted something on my blog which caused my boyfriend to break up with me.
Whoever that was: fuck you. Perhaps you feel great about yourself, but you should know you're just a bitchy asshole who deserves to rot away.

I wonder what would happen

I wonder what would happen if one day I just wouldn't wake up, you know? Not necessarily as in that I die at night, but maybe that I'm in a coma or something. I don't know, I just wonder how people would react, because I feel like not many people would notice a difference. It might be weird, but I feel like the people I know online would notice more than the people I know in real life. I suppose that's a bad thing, no, I know that's a bad thing. But today, Sanne's new crush was there in the break and Joy, a friend of mine, was talking about our 'friendgroup' and she seriously said "and Linda.. Well she's just there". Thanks, I already felt so great.
And I've lost contact with certain people. People I care a lot about, and they don't seem to mind it. I can't know, of course, unless I ask. But asking it will only cause me more trouble.

And we're back to where I was years ago

Because years ago at this time I was also in my bed *badum tsss*. Okay no, that was not funny at all.
Anyway, I remember that 3 years ago, I would lie in bed listening to music in the middle of the night. To be specific, I used to listen to Kerli. I'm not sure what I liked about her, and I'm not sure what I like about the song 'Walking on air', but when I listened to it, it calmed me down. Not that I was freaking out or anything, well, not really. I mean I'm going crazy just a little bit at this point because it literally feels like my ear is going to explode. Thank god I have to go back to the hospital this Wednesday. I hope we'll plan the operation soon so that I won't have this pain all the time.
Anyway, it's 1 am and I was listening to Walking on air and it just reminded me of who I was several years ago.
And now I'm going to try to sleep. Don't wish me a good night; wish me good luck instead. ;-;