So this is it

I've been happy, I've been sad, I've been scared, I've been mad. I feel like I know quite some emotions, when I probably don't. Maybe I really only know 1% of the existing emotions.
But right now I'm really done, done with everything. I will sleep, I will just be what I seem to act like: I will be the queen of my own country. And I will never wake up, but I don't need it. I don't need to wake up when there is no one to be awake for. People don't need me, or at least not like I need them. So it's better. Everything will be better in the end, right?
Guess it worked if I'm still nowhere around 17.00

I have my answer

Well that's just great, not.
So that was the end. Shows how fast things end. I guess you could say love often hurts. And it does, but sometimes not even on purpose.
Also, it feels like the warmer days have already ended. It's dark over here right now and I think it's going to rain. Not that I mind, I don't have to go anywhere anyway. I wish I had holidays right now, I really don't want to go to school tomorrow. I prefer to lie in my bed till it's the end. Not that it has a point and my earphones broke, so lying in my bed is just really boring. It's nicely warm though, while right now I'm freezing.
That reminds me, and I have no idea how that reminds me of this, but I still have to eat. I don't feel like it. Not because I really don't want to eat, it's just that I don't feel like leaving to get some food. I prefer to keep talking to friends, friends bring more happiness than food. Unless it's very yummy. Then food can bring happiness too.

Not knowing what to do sucks

First of all, my earphones broke, so they were a waste of money. I had them for about three weeksso that sucks.
Secondly, I found out a friend of mine wants to die and thanks to that I had a mini hat attack. It's not exactly great to know, I already knew that, but it mainly sucks that I don't know what to do. I have no idea how I can help him.
So yeah, it simply sucks when you don't know what to do. I have that with something else now too.

Disappointed

So yesterday I found something out, and now I'm actually really disappointed in Joy. I was talking to Colin, her boyfriend, and then he said 'Bzzzzzz', so I sent him a bee (it was on whatsapp so yeah), turned out Joy told him I'm bisexual. Well fine, I don't really mind. But then he told me he also knew I 'had problems with my boyfriend every now and then', I just don't like to put it that way... Anyway, he also knew about the fact that I've harmed myself and that I was kinda depressed and now I'm so fucking disappointed in Joy. I don't mind that she told HIM, I just mind it that she fucking told someone else my secrets, when I told her those things because I thought I could trust her, and then she does this? This is not something I just forget, you know. It sucks, you trust someone and that person just breaks your trust, like it hasn't happened often enough yet. Once is already too often in my opinion. I fucking hate this.
But there's something positive: I decided to go to bol.com, turns out they'll sell Tuomas' album too! And I was allowed to just go and order an album on bol.com, so... I'm doubting if I should still buy Hydra (from Within Temptation), I mean... I don't really feel like it's a metalband anymore, but I like rock too so in that case it doesn't really matter. I just kinda miss the old Within Temptation, when Sharon would sing high and low too and my god, she was perfect. I used to like the band more than I do now, but we'll see.

I still like it

So yeah, I simply love learning new languages. So I want to learn way too many languages now. x) Mainly Italian, German, Japanese and Swedish. Yeah that's too much already...
Anyway, I used to be on this site, but the English version of it closed. So I switched over to the Polish one, mainly because that one was the smallest. Anyway, that one closed too. So I went to the Swedish and German one - I already had an account on them, I have an account on every version, but yeah I just wasn't active. Anyway, I refused to go to the Dutch version because it's full of bitches, and I'm not lying. I only found nice people there once, when most people had a testweek. Anyway, I went back to the German one, because I remember how I learned English, so I thought it would maybe work with German too. So I got in contact with two girls - both of them live in the Northern part of Germany, and one of them moved to Germany 3 years ago. And you know what I realised? I love it. I really love learning new languages and I love it when I'm able to use what I know. Also, both of them told me my German is quite good, and that really makes me happy too. ^_^
And usually it's quite busy on the German version, just as on the Dutch one. But I have made several topics now, and it's not like they really get ignored. Wiiieee awesome. ^_^ It's too bad I have to go to bed now. :c
Anyways, goooooood morning/afternoon/evening/night, depending on where you live. ;3 Sleep well/have a nice day! ^_^

This is annoying

So first of all: Maths is annoying. Secondly: It's very annoying when you're trying to speak German with someone, but you translate every sentence you want to say to English first. And it's annoying when you can't find the right words to say. ._.
And now what's really annoying: This feeling. I'm neither happy nor sad. But when I laugh, I get this crappy feeling. When I just stare, I don't feel much. Just annoyed. And hfdjksfksfjsk it's like I want to laugh, and I can't be serious, yet I feel terrible when I laugh. Why for fuck's sake? Why can't I get over things? ._.

Looking for a picture

So yeah I'm actually searching for a picture, and I'm pretty sure I've seen pictures/drawings like that before. But guess what? D: Whenever you need something, you can't find it. Eeeevil. Anyway, I would draw it myself /if I could draw/. Like my tablet works perfectly fine now, but I suck at lineart, and I don't know how to make a moon or a sun or whatever. I do know how to make clouds. ^_^ I could try, but well... We'll see.
Also, NEVER FUCKING STEAL CANDY FROM ME! T_T Don't steal anything at all. Fine, candy isn't a big deal, but it was MY bag, MY candy, still MY property, NOT yours, so you don't even touch it if you don't have my permission *bitchy face and all that*. Well no, but still.
Also, I was called a whore today. Well I didn't know that I was a whore. o-o More about that later, maybe. I'm going to eat now, I'm staaarving~

And there we go

3...
2...
1...
aaaaand I'm crying. Great, just great. I don't know what to do at all. All I can do is feel like shit and what not. I was joking about punishing someone before, but right now I'm the only one who deserves a punishment and I will get it too. Even if I wouldn't do anything, I'd get punished anyway.
So yeah, I'm back to being that crybaby I was before. Awesome, not. So I'm just going to lie on my bed in a few minutes and cry my eyes out, waiting till I die, I guess? I have nothing left. Nothing, and it's all my fault. I can't take this anymore and even when I say such a thing, I don't get help, people just tell me they're sick of hearing that.
People are just sick of me.
I'm so so so sorry right now...

So what should I do?

What is a great way to end mental pain? I think I know two things, but which of the two should I pick? I don't know, but no one else is willing to decide for me anyway.
I'm really really REALLY tired of being a worthless piece of shit, but guess what, that'll never change. Never. I will never change, apparently I just can't, so why bother trying? No one sees a difference anyway. If it would just all end tonight, that'd be great right now, really great.
I'm pissed of but mostly broken. So yeah, not everything works out. Some things break. Hearts are too easy to break, you know? I wonder why. Who made humans anyway? We're weak.

*Waits*

... So how much longer do I have to wait? :P
Okay so I'm kinda bored, because I have absolutely nothing to do, and so I just sit here, waiting, hoping I'm waiting for a good reason. x)
So... Honestly, I just forgot what I wanted to say here so I'm just gonna.. Continue waiting, and.. Is there someone out there who wants to wait together with me? I'm sorry, I forgot about the time so I have no crisps now, yeah... So... Tomorrow maybe. But it doesn't matter so... Who's going to wait together with me? :D No one? Kay, I'll just wait here, all alone. :'c
Okay yeah so... Uhm... Yeah... I want to write something, but I'm very sorry to disappoint you (wut?), but I have nothing to say.
Oh by the way, I do have chocolate so... I can give it to you if you want to wait here with me? :P

I just thought of that

I still have the same lotro password, meaning I pretty much give myself a compliment whenever I log in. x) Well thank you Dennis, that was actually a smart one.
And now I think I'm just going to scream along with the songs I'm listening to and I'm going to play lotro. Yeah I can't really call it 'singing' because I suck at that. 
And now I'm irritated. I have nothing to say at all. ;-; Which is mainly because I don't know the right words or I just can't make the right sentences and damn it, I said I wouldn't use that smiley again. And now I wanted to use it again. I remember a while ago I used to put smileys everywhere and yeah, I kinda got over that, but now it's coming back.

Today is not a good day

So yeah... It started of just fine, but earlier today I was in a lot of pain and I partly wanted to be alone and lie on my bed and do absolutely nothing, but on the other hand I wanted to crawl into someone's arms and yeah...
Anyway, after a while, it started to hurt less, but I got this other annoying feeling a while after that and I still have it, and it's pretty annoying.
So I actually want to say I just want to go cry on my bed, but then I'm weak again and I'm so sick and tired of people seeing me that way. I'm not a crybaby, I don't cry as often as you think I do, and well... What else can I say? I don't just give up, I guess? I must admit that sometimes I want to give up too fast though. Sometimes? Often, but well. There are lots of things I don't just give up on.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to marry my bed now. It's so soft and warm and I'm freezing. Plus my bed will never judge me. Well... Try imagining that bed throwing me out. x) Oh I have a weird mind.

And there we go again

Now all I have to do is wait till I start crying my eyes out. *Waits*. So this probably means no sleeping for me.
Also, my tablet works perfectly fine again, so I've been drawing almost all day long, but I got pissed off because I can't do lineart, so I decided to get one from the internet. So after searching for a while, I found transparent lineart on DeviantArt. Now thiiiis is why I love dA. Anyway, I started colouring one, but the hair was really weird on that one, so I decided to look for an easier one. Turns out that same person has lots of transparent lineart, so I really love that person right now. And now I'm colouring some sort of Halloween outfit. So... Yay?
Anyway, guess I'm just going to shut down my computer now and stare to a wall while lying in my bed, waiting to fall asleep, ready to be disappointed by my drawing tablet tomorrow.
Goodnight everyone~

This is so unfair

So first of all: Screw tablet drivers. SCREW THEM! *cry cry* Well no, but yesterday morning my tablet worked perfect for a change, but now it doesn't work properly anymore (and when I want to change some settings, it starts complaining that the driver doesn't work) and I just don't get it.
Also, yesterday evening I felt bad. May god know why. I don't believe in god, but whatever. Maybe there is some sort of.. God.. ish.. thingy there. I don't even want to think about it because then my head goes crazy and then I go all "Why do we exist? Why is a phone called a 'phone'? Why.." blahblahblah.
Okay so back to the point, yesterday evening I felt bad and I totally forgot why, and now the part that makes this unfair, not only for me but also for Dennis (hiiiiiiiiiiiiii Dennis when you read this) : Sometimes we simply can't talk that long (yesterday a bit longer than usual, I guess?), so it is really really REALLY annoying when I get sad. And what makes all of this worse: Now Dennis isn't here AND NOW I FEEL FUCKING HAPPY. T_T Not that I can see how you can cry about happiness... Okay I do see that because now Joy and Colin are all happy and that makes me feel like shit and that sounds rude doesn't it? Say that sentence out loud. Without breathing between words. GO GO GO!
Sorry I'm hyper.. ish. I don't know. Ish is not even a word. Help. ;-;

Feeling terrible

Awesome, great, not. ;-;
And I have no idea what the hell is going on with my head at all. Just now I just sat here, staring at my screen because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, and then it suddenly felt like everything was moving and that's kinda.. Creepy. ;-; Dear brain, please stop doing weird things, I want to be able to sleep tonight, kay?
Also, I kinda hope I'll wake up somewhere between 7 and 9 tomorrow. Don't ask me why, I just kinda want that right now. And I honestly hope my mother has to work tomorrow. ;-; Turned out she didn't have to work today and it kinda annoyed me.
And now I'm going to bed. Mainly because I don't feel like playing lotro right now (it didn't exactly work out T_T) and I have nothing to do, so yeah. Eerm.. Good morning/afternoon/evening/night/whatever, hope you have/had a great day, But Iiiiiii am gone now.
And then I turn my music off but I'm even too lazy to get up. Oops.

I lied

I won't be fine. But honestly, why do I always realise that when it's too late? I don't get it. I was fine for almost two weeks, I didn't get mad, I wasn't sad, and now that's ruined, but why? Why must I feel horrible all the time? I'm so goddamn tired of that. I'm goddamn tired of everything right now.
Who would notice it?

Bothered

So a while ago, I told my school psychologist something and I told him it actually made no sense that I got mad because of that. I mean, I understood why I wasn't happy about it, but getting mad was... Not exactly necessary, you know. But yesterday I read it again and I felt terrible again, and this morning I nearly cried about it. Honestly, why do I even feel THAT bad about it? Why can't I handle that? It doesn't even make any sense that I get so sad about such a thing.

Wifi was out all day long

Okaaaay maybe not 'all day long' because I had wifi in the morning, but it sucked. It was like you had wifi, but you didn't. And later on, I didn't have wifi. Sooo I didn't have wifi until now, yays, party. But yeah, I was bored pretty much all day long.
And now I'm just a biiiiiiit disappointed because Dennis said he would probably be here around 17, and now it's like.. Two hours later and he isn't here... *Cries in a corner*. Well no. But yeah, I had something to look forward to and now I don't. Maybe. Maybe I do. I don't know.
Kay, don't mind me, but this is kinda what I meant yesterday. ;-; I feel like I'm the most childish person in the world right now.
Also, I wanted to install this game. Now apparently it needs 5,5 GB and I only seem to have 2,1 GB left. No seriously, how much shit do I have on my computer? For real, I have so much on my computer that I just downloaded once and never used again, it makes no sense at all. I have no idea what all I have now. x)
Now, like I said before, let's throw a party for wifi. But let's do that tomorrow, I think I need to throw up. ;-; I hate being full. But at least I can feel the difference now.

Being kinda worried

Not worried as in that something might have happened, but more as in... Well I'll just explain why I'm worried:
In the past days I was/seemed to be happy, and today I was fine too, but I've thought about it... Whenever I was sad, people disliked me because I was so negative. But now I feel childish all the time and that actually really annoys me, and I feel like people dislike me for that too.
One positive thing though: I laughed my ass off while playing Lord of the Rings Online. Really, were the people who made it drunk or high or something? xD Yeah, some things were just... Weird, yeah, weird.
And my body really hates me. ;-;
That reminds me by the way. My mom decided to complain again. With dinner, she decided to ask me how much I ate today. In my head I was really like "Can you please shut the fucking hell up before you ruin my mood? Stop jumping into conclusions" because yeah she thought I only had one toast today. First of all, two toasts. ;-; But I ate more than that and gosh, I really hate her on these moments. The worst thing is that first she made me stop eating (because of something she had said to me) and now she's complaining again. Shut the fuck up and make up your fucking mind.

I wonder who'll be the first one to notice.

Pain pain pain

Okay I hate this. I just want to lie on my bed and die. Not because of how I feel mentally, but because of my body. It's killing me. ;-; I hate hate hate this.
Butbutbut where are my cookies? ^_^ Come on, I deserve them now, so where are they? Oh, and who wants to cuddle with me all night long? *Waits for one very very very special guy to answer* and no, I don't mean Tuomas, I mean Dennis. In case that wasn't obvious yet. I mean, Tuomas is awesome, but Dennis is waaaay more awesome.
And I'm still hungry, meh.

Some dreams are amazing

but way too short. ;-;

Okay so yay for Dennis being in my dream *yays and all* but why are all of my dreams so goddamn weird? ;-; I once had this dream when Dennis kept pushing me away (okay maybe, just maaaaaaybe I wanted to hug him a bit too much xD) and then in the next dream I was even afraid to hold his hand. Which is probably totally me when I meet him. xD However it's also possible that I'd run to him and hug him and never let him go. That depends on how I feel, I guess? Butbutbut there will be hugging. Sometime. No idea when. But sometime.

Anyways I love kissing in dreams when it feels real. ;o Just like eating chocolate in a dream and nobody cares about it, that's like.. You're eating chocolate, you can actually taste it, but you won't even gain weight or whatever. Amaaaaaaazing *-*

I really really REALLY can't stand this

*Cries in a corner*
Well no, maybe not in a corner. Anyway, so a while ago, I made a promise I would play lotro together with my boyfriend sometime. And yes I still remember this promise. So today I decided to try it out, but it had tons of updates so first I had to wait for 3 hours till it was done. ;-; Guess what happened then. Riiiiiiiiiight, I forgot I had no account. So I decided to make one, but the links go to fucking /internet explorer/ so my computer nearly crashed. It just doesn't work well on my computer anymore and I haven't used it in ages, meaning even that browser has a million updates. Anyways, after waiting for a while, it fiiiiiiiiinally worked so I tried making an account. So it says you have to be older than 13, I believe. I am fucking 15. You cannot tell me I can't make an account. So what does it say? "Thank you for your interest in The Lord of the Rings Online™. We apologize, but you are not currently eligible to register."
You. Right there. Shut the fuck up. -_-' So I've been looking around to see if anyone else had this problem and if there was a solution, and I found out more people have this problem. But I couldn't find a solution. I did read that it worked for someone when they tried a different email, so I did that, but it still didn't work. I'm so irritated. ;-; I've tried it a million times now but it just won't work. I can't stand this at aaaaaaaaall *throws computer out of the window*. Okay that's not worth it, but you get what I mean anyway. Right? Just say yes. ;-;

I was wrong

So my brother just walked in and asked me if I realised how hard my music was. Yes I know that, that's what metal is for. Now please get the hell out of my room. ;-; Besides, I love loud music right now so I can forget about everything so I refuse to turn it down. Yupyup, it's my turn to be that annoying little sister for a change.
But isn't it weird? My mother mainly likes pop music, my dad likes almost everything, my brother likes rock and pop, and I like almost everything too, but right now I like metal most, and everyone else in this house hates my kind of music. Weeeeird. I feel different and I'm not sure if that's positive or not.
Anyway, I are breakfast really late, one hour ago or so, but I'm still so super hungry. ;-; I just don't really feel like eating right now.

This is annoying

So I feel even worse than before while nothing happened. I don't get what happened at all, I don't get at all why I feel worse. And I honestly don't know what to do about it now either.
But at least I can literally sit in a corner and do nothing without that anyone bothers me, since my parents have to work and my brother usually leaves me alone. I guess I'll just listen to music all day long then, I have nothing else to do anyway, and I don't feel like doing much.

It kinda hurts

And I don't even know why. ;-; I didn't expect anything else, I didn't even want it to be different, yet it hurts, but why? And it doesn't seem to matter to others.
Also, I forgot what I just wanted to do. Stupid brain, how about that you start working? ;-;
And this is very annoying too: I was happy for almost a full week, and now that is ruined, *yay*, not. It doesn't even make any sense, since I don't have school this week, so why in the world must I get sad now? And why at this time of the day? I don't want to fight, but meh. I don't get it anymore. I don't get anything anymore. I'm even starting to wonder what's real and what's not, because I really don't know anymore.