So I'm crying my eyes out

About Monday, yes, I went crazy. I had someone to talk me out of my suicide plans (it weren't special plans so yeah) so it's all fine now.
But I have a different problem now. So Dennis is going to Rastede, and my plan is to watch a video about it and I wanted to try and find someone near me who likes medieval music.
Anyway, right now I feel like shit. So now I have some time to think about my relationship with Dennis and he mainly has 4 days without me, in which he could also find out if he really misses me or not. Now I'm a bit worried he'd meet someone with who he has a lot more in common, but that's not my biggest worry. After all, having a lot in common doesn't mean you love each other. I'm mainly worrying about the fact that he might not miss me that much and then there's nothing I can do about it. I guess I'm worried about that because on a normal day he doesn't exactly have any time to miss me, but that could also be because there's not so much to miss and I'm afraid that last thing is the case. I just don't want that, I don't want this to be the end. I don't want to wait for 4 days to hear he didn't miss me all that much, but you know what would suck? If that thought would kill me, and he'd realise he misses me a lot and then come back and I'm gone. That would suck, so I have no choice but to wait... I do hope he'll have a good time though... Maybe I can find someone to comfort me.

I love you

I love you. I fucking miss you. I regret every negative thing I've ever said to you. I want you back. Please, just please. I can't take this. I fucking love you. I want you back, I need you, please, I beg you... I don't want to live without you...

Fuck fuck fuck

So I feel like shit right now. I have plans for tomorrow, they actually make me fucking nervous, but I can't contact anyone. Colin isn't awake, none of my friends are on whatsapp and I chased Dennis away. Now it's all gone. Now I seriously have nothing anymore.
So I feel dizzy and light in my head and I feel nervous and I feel like shit and I feel like I need to throw up and this is really annoying. I honestly can't believe it's all over, all we ever had...
I just want to end it all right now.

Alright, if you're looking for me, I'm in hell

I'm done. So fucking done.
So my own boyfriend ignores me, then he blocks me, I can't focus on everything and hey, if I have no one who cares about me, why should I live on? Give me one, just one fucking reason. Right, there is none. So, what was it again? 11 more painkillers and I'm dead, finally. And there's no one who cares, how great is that?

So I'm actually not allowed to complain

But I think I'm gonna do it anyway.
But first of all, and most important of all: Happy birthday Dennis <3 Again. Because I said it at 0.00 too. Hell yeah, I was first.
Alright so my guinea pig died, and my mom keeps saying she misses him and my dad keeps saying that he and my mom miss him unlike me. Well I fucking miss him too, it was my pet after all, you know.
Besides that shit, I feel like throwing up. I feel like shit and no one will know today because no one checks this because this blog is boring as hell and full of negative shit that makes you think "Girl, either you stop complaining or you get fucking help". Well help doesn't work, I've tried, believe me. And I got the complaining from my mom~ Well kinda. More the whole being negative shit, my mom is god damn negative too.
Oh and I was right in the end: you don't want to talk to me. Oh, but who would? Especially today. I'm not supposed to be there on special days. No, I should get the fuck out of here on special days, so I can't ruin it. Thanks, I feel super appreciated.

And there we go again

Now I can go and hope no one will come in again.
So right now I'm crying my eyes and I have no idea how to stop and I just feel like shit and I don't want this anymore. I don't know what to do. Why can't pain end? Why can't it ever end? It's always there in some way and I hate it.

Feeling like shit and I have no one to contact

Okay so Dennis went to bed, Colin has exams, I can't contact Joy and I know too much. Meaning this will be a terrible night. Ugh, I really hate it when there's no one to contact...
So earlier today I already cried and now I'm just this close to crying, but it won't work. No, instead I just feel like shit and feel like I need to throw up and scream and throw everything against the wall and I just don't know what to do right now...

Ah, that explains a lot

So a while ago, sometthing.. happened, and not exactly everyone thought it was true in the end. Not that I trusted myself all that much in the case. Anyway, I found out why nothing special happened afterwards. It wasn't enough, it should've been at least two more.
Anyway, back to something that's a bit nicer to talk about. So in two days I'm going to do archery, I really hope my dad didn't forget. Then on Monday I'll be going to London, on Wednesday I'll be back and on Thursday I might be able to sleep in because I won't have to be in class the first two hours. Then on the 26th of May it's my boyfriend's birthday. ^_^ If only I could send him a card or something like that. Anyways, then at the end of this month, there's FortaRock, and I decided to ask my dad if we can go there. Now I just have to wait for the answer. :3 If he says yes, I'm lucky. If he says no, it doesn't matter all that much anyway, but at least I wouldn't regret not asking him, so yeah. ^_^

He really did it, didn't he?

Okay so just now I felt like playing Skyrim so I went to Steam and clicked on 'Play', and now apparently I have to ask Dennis if I can play it. Ugh, forget it. I'll just have to buy it myself at some point but I don't know how much it costs and I probably won't play it that much then so then it'd be a waste of money, so yeah, forget it. ._.
Well, then I gotta find something else to do while there's nothing to do. I'd say I could go and listen to Heroes, the new Sabaton album which isn't out yet. Well, you can listen to it on Spotify if you're following Sabaton and the playlist, they said. Turns out Dennis could already listen to it this morning, while I have to wait till 19.00 so no, I can't do that either. Not that it matters all that much right now, because the album is only half an hour. ._. Deeeaaar Sabaton, your songs are amazing, but way too short. I wish they'd never end. On the other hand, then you only listen to one song, so never mind.
Ah, talking about Sabaton now that reminds me I saw something about Fortarock on TV which makes me doubt now. I was sure I wouldn't go, because it's expensive when you only go there for one band. But you know, apparently you can still buy tickets and it's in the weekend in which Dennis is gone, you know, the long weekend. 31st of May, that's on a Saturday if I'm not mistaken. And I say I'd only go there for one band, but on the other hand, there might be another band I like and in that case I have more music to listen to. So now I'm doubting if I should just ask my parents if I can go, or if I'll just wait for Sabaton to come here again and not hear the other bands play either. Yeah I probably won't listen to them by myself. :P
Well, I suppose in the end it gives me enough to do then. Uh, okay it might not be much, but still. I can take at least one hour deciding this.

Alright, then that's arranged

Instead of waiting here for another hour, doubting if I should still just go to Breda Archery today, realising after that hour that I'm too late anyway, I decided to just ask my dad if he wants to go to Breda Archery with me next Saturday, and he said yes. I already asked that guy from Breda Archery too, he hasn't replied yet. I honestly think the weather wasn't as bad as people thought, so maybe they did train till 4 pm, which would mean they're still training.
Anyway, at least now it's arranged anyway. Not for today, but still. I can wait for a week, plus it's a week of school, so with a bit of luck, the days will go fast. And hey, I have something to look forward too. I have that in any case: In 9 days I'm going to London for 3 days. ^_^ I hope I can take some pictures, but maybe my mom was right. Maybe I should get pounds first, instead of changing it there. After all we only get money for food there, not for shopping, so I'll need my own money.
Anyway, again, my dad reacted better to it than my mom. Earlier today, my mom came to my room to ask me how I found out about archery and why I wanted to try it. Eh, I said it was because of a game. I can't say it's a lie, but it's not really the truth either. But does it matter? Anyway, she thought it'd be the same as with my piano lessons. Her lessons were boring, okay? And now the keyboard isn't in my room, but I prefer to practise in my own room and when no one is around, that is why I don't practise now.
So please be sweet now and hope and wish and pray to nature that the weather will be better next time, please? ^_^

Okay now I'm sad

I really really really wish that guy hadn't sent me that mail this morning, like really. Right now it's not all that windy anymore and I really don't care about rain, so in that case I can still go. After all it's only about 20 minutes from here. Well, 15 minutes if my dad would bring me. But I don't know if they're still training right now or not, and it's kinda rude to just go there when they say it's better if you come another time, right?
Okay I really don't know what to do anymore. I want to go so badly, but I don't even know if they're still there, or if the weather will get worse. I just don't feel like waiting for another week.

Fuck you weather, I hate you

Inappropriate title, I know. But for real, I hate the weather with all my heart now. You know, I don't dislike the weather all that often. I don't really care if there's a storm or if it's hot or if there's snow, as long as I can be inside, it's fine. Well... I do go outside when it's hot. Back to the point: Right now it's windy and rainy, and I don't mind, really. Or actually, usually I don't mind. Now I can cry my eyes out about it.
Okay so today I was supposed to go to Breda Archery, however one hour ago, the guy mailed me to tell me the weather was probably going to be much worse than it is now, so they wouldn't train for a long time and now wouldn't be the best time to come. I'm seriously crying because I was looking forward to it so much, and then the stupid weather ruins it all for me. But not only that is the problem. Right now I feel like I'm disappointing someone without that it's my own fault. Unlike my parents, Dennis was happy that I would finally go outside and try something new. Instead I disappoint him because I'm stuck inside because of the stupid weather. Can it get any worse?

And there we go again

Great, just great. Oh but at least Skyrim works again, so I have something to do. Maybe it'll cheer me up.
Funny how some words can cheer me up, yet the exact same words can make me sad, and the other time it makes me sad I don't get to see or hear those words. It's really really really annoying.
Okay I really don't know what to do about this feeling and it makes me sick that I can't even get rid of it, my god. Why isn't there an undo button in life? And why is there no pause button, or maybe a button to turn off feelings? It would be nice. Really nice.

Uh-oh, that'll be an expensive sport

So yeah, I'm still looking on the site of Breda Archery every now and then to see what you do the first few times you go there. So there are 10 lessons in which you learn basic things (technique, materials, physical stuff, safety, concentration, focusing etc.) and after that you can just practice and you're allowed to join competitions. Now it said that in the first few lessons after those 10 lessons of basic things, they have the bows and arrows and all that, so that means that after a while, you'll need your own bow (and I guess you'll need your own arrows too). So damn it, bows are goddamn expensive. I mean if I really like archery, and if I'll do it for a while (3 years or longer, you know) then I don't mind buying a bow. After all it'd be worth it anyway. But if I'd really search for the kind of bow I want, my god... I'd be searching for a long time, and when I find it, it'd probably cost like 300 euros. Forget it, I'm not going to buy a bow that expensive. ._. So I guess I'd look for something that looks nice, which I can use for a while and which doesn't cost much more than 100 euros. I'm already glad arrows aren't all that expensive.
Also, what the hell is up with the weather? I don't really care all that much because in the next 3 days I don't have to go outside anyway. No wait, I wanted to ask my mom if we can go to Breda Archery on Saturday. ._. Okay maybe I have to send Breda Archery a mail first, but I'll deal with that later, I guess. Or now. I mean if I don't show up, it doesn't matter all that much either, right? Or I could just mail them again to tell them I can't come after all. Anyway, back to the weather. I have to be honest, I always thought the weather didn't affect me all that much, but now I do think it kinda affects me. It's not like the weather was better a few days ago, but still. Now it's all rainy and messy and gosh, I hope the weather won't be like this in London. And I hope that in the last weekend of this month (long weekend ^_^) the weather will be better too.

Ew ew ew

Okay I absolutely hate spiders. DENNIS, WHY ARE THERE GIANT SPIDERS IN EVERY (okay at least two) GAME YOU PLAY? Yuck yuck yuck. I hate them so much and I kept looking away so in the end I did shoot 4 arrows but I think I missed all. And yes, now I'm trying to find my arrows back and I found two, but those spiders are scary, even when they're dead. And the worst part now is that it feels like there are spiders on me now, yuck. I'm never ever going to start over with skyrim, I mean the dragon is awesome but scary when you're just trying to run away from it. That dragon is a really bad stalker by the way. And then there are yucky spiders and yeah.
Wish me good luck. ._.

You were right

I can't stand the truth and I have no life and I'm weak. I can't even stay happy for a full day and when I can, I break down after a few days anyway. And then the worst thing: I'm a dream-crusher. Right when I show you it can be different too, I break down again and show you I can't fully change, and I show you that the thought you had that it'd finally be like that is nothing more than a thought, and that it's not like that. Maybe I wasn't made to be happy.

Feeling like shit

Yup, there we go again. So everything was fine for like... 5 days, I guess? And now I feel like shit again, and I don't know what to do about it or if I should ask someone for help or not. I don't know what to do at all and now I'm crying again. Great, another sleepless night, and then I'm at least able to sleep in because I have holidays, but I either sleep too much or I wake up at 6 anyway.
I don't know where this feeling comes from and it kinda annoys me, and now there's no one I can contact either. I wish I could just stay in my bed all day tomorrow, doing absolutely nothing. Maybe I will, what difference does that make anyway? I would be able to think for a full day, I guess. And if I don't want to think, I could still try to sleep all day long. I only disappoint people anyway.

If you were inside of my head, you would know me.

This sounds very weird, I know. If you see me, all you really see is just a pretty tall girl (ey I do have to point it out at least once :P 1.75m by the way, it might not seem all that tall, but to most people, I look tall. At least in this town) who barely talks and when I do, I turn red. Okay not always, but most of the time. And I might shut down then. ._. Anyways that is pretty much what you see, a shy girl who might as well look as if she's only wishing to be invisible. But boy, if you're in my mind, you know what I wish to be, and what I really am. I mean the me I am in my mind is the real me, but nobody sees that. It's more like that part of me is stuck inside of my mind and can only live on the internet for the time being.
So this morning I was just listening to music, and there was this song and it sounded so happy, so in my head I started dancing and blablabla and in real life I'd never do that. And I love daydreaming, I usually daydream when I listen to music and when I listen to metal, I usually imagine being at a metal festival (goddamnit I would love to go to Graspop Metal Meeting) and with medieval music I imagine being at a medieval festival. So the last one was the case, and I kinda imagined having to work there and then this song came and like we started dancing and trying to make kids dance too and then somewhere there was this shy girl sitting with her mom and I decided to ask her to come and join us and she was so cute (but okay, it's my mind. I can even make nice Dutch guys there *surprise*) and now I just sit here like 'meh, I wish I was good with kids'. Well not only that, I wish I was extrovert. That I could have a conversation with anyone. But no. ._. I really don't know how to change that. Well I kinda do: I could go and work somewhere. I mean if I do something for a while, I can get used to it, meaning I could get used to random people talking to me, and randomly talking to others. But well, then I first need to find the right job for me.

Free

Okay so Dennis gave me this game, Audiosurf, liiiike.. Two days ago? Anyways, I was just playing with a few songs, and then I decided I wanted to play the song 'I don't speak human' (Omnia), so I decided to search for the album and downloaded it. Then I wanted to play 'The Elven Lover', so I downloaded that album too and meanwhile I decided to listen to another song on the album Musick and Poëtree, 'Free'. And now thaaaat is one of the songs I had been searching for for so long. Like it's how I feel, except for the 'free' part. Okay that sounds weird. What I actually mean is the 'I don't fit inside that box'. I mean seriously, I feel like I could ask everyone in my town what they like and do and all that, and I bet there would be no one who likes what I like when it comes to doing stuff and what I listen to and all that. Like maybe one or two, max. is 5.
And now this is what I hate: I have no friends who like my music. And my family, or well, at least my parents and my brother think that my music is crap (mainly talking about SaMo, Nightwish and Sabaton now) and they have nothing with Omnia. Now I would love to go to Rastede, where they have a medieval festival, but guess what? No one here likes it. I would have no one to go there with, and I'm not allowed to go alone. How, just how the hell am I supposed to meet people in real life who like the same as I do? Okay I know one way: Meeting Dennis. He knows people who have more in common with me than the friends I have here, while the people he knows might not even like me. Weird, isn't it? People who might as well dislike me have more in common with me than people who like me. O_O
Back to the point: My parents tell me to go out there and finally make some real friends, well how about that you let me go to places where I can make friends? Real friends? And if you won't let me go alone, fine, I get your point, but then go with me for one day, just one, let me do what I want and just keep an eye on me so you know nothing special happens, let me make friends where I can find them. Instead of telling me to make friends in places where it's hard, let me make friends where I can do it, even if it takes one day of happiness and fun away from you. And that doesn't even have to be the case, why wouldn't you be happy, as a parent, when you see your daughter finally makes the kind of friends she's always wished to have? Well? Come on .__. I wish I could go there with someone. Now I need to find something else to do in those 4 days.