I should kinda do what I did with my old Tumblr blog

And for those who don't know what I did with my old Tumblr blog and what it was at all: Well, I had a depressive blog and I asked a friend of mine to remove it, and then I created a new and happier blog.
Now can ANYONE please explain to me why I do remember that, and why I don't remember the last post I posted here? Seriously, I mean I removed it yesterday without re-reading it but right now I don't even recall posting anything and I have no idea what I wrote there at all.

Also, I found something to do for when I can't sleep. I'll just watch some massage videos so that I can do it myself. xD Okay I don't really want to massage people, just friends or people who are more than just friends, I guess. Eh, well, we'll see.

Oh my god it worked

So I didn't understand my homework and I did what I always do: I stare and get irritated (usually I get so irritated that I start crying, I had that now too >_<) BUT! I found out what I have to do after reading something again. Woohoo I can still go to bed before 10, it only sucks I wanted to be in bed somewhere between 20.30 and 21.00
I would throw a party with Jillz if it wasn't so late. And now I'm thinking of that too: My brother bought me Jillz today. I can't do it myself because I'm 16 and you have to be 18 here to drink alcohol, and Jillz has alcohol. Well, there is 0.0, I never had it and I have no idea if it tastes any different.
And now I'm gonna finish my homework so I can go to sleep soon~~~

So tomorrow will be a weird day

I actually only have one lesson. I'm free the first hour, then I have to be somewhere for 4 hours, then I'm free for 2 hours and then I have music at 15.10. But well, I think my mom would say it's fine to stay home or if possible go to the doctor then, but I think I'll just go.
Also, I asked my mom if she could make an appointment at the doctor so she'll do that tomorrow. This morning I was a bit nervous so I asked a friend about it and she said it's better to go to the doctor, even if nothing is wrong, just to be sure. So yeah, I'll go then.
And my uncle told me I'm welcome at any time, so yay, I can go to Germany whenever I want. ^_^ Eh well, almost. I can't go when I'm not free of course.

Now I want to apologise

It just sucks that right now is like almost the worst time. Wait no, 4 am would be the worst time. Imagine you have to get up between 5 and 6 and then someone wakes you up at 4. Well I can already tell you you won't fall asleep anymore then, and before you know it, you have to get up already while you're tired as hell because you could really use that hour.

But I just want to apologise because I kinda overreacted again (I don't just mean on the internet, I freaked out in real life, uh well, for as far it's possible). I don't want you to be here just to calm me down. What I want is for us to have fun together, to have great times together. To be there for each other when the other needs it, but not in the way that you just sit there, hugging. More in the way that if the other cries, or is terribly sad, that you hug for as long as the other wants and then go and do something fun together to cheer up. Because not so many things are worse than seeing the one you love sad, right now I feel like I'm in a circle again: I got sad, so you're unhappy because I'm sad, so I feel worse which makes it all worse.
I want to be there for you when you need me. I want to be happy with you, I want to laugh with you, I want to have fun with you, I want to do great things with you. Things you or/and I always wanted to do. I don't care what it is, I would do anything for you. And I'm sorry that I don't show that often enough, that I don't show often enough how much I love you and how happy you make me.

Alright, I feel horrible

So I just came back from Germany, and now I feel bad. Yesterday in the church (no I don't believe in God, but the marriage was there) it said something about 'those who feel alone' and more negative stuff and I tried my hardest not to cry. Then when we drove to the place where the party was, the sister of my grandma said to me that my grandpa was doing very bad, so I expect him to die soon but I don't want to be alive and that someone I know dies then, I just don't want that. I mean in the end you have no choice if you enjoy your life, but I don't want to feel that sadness ever again.
And then when we left, I felt sad too because I didn't want to leave. My uncle is so nice (and it turns out he's a great hugger) and my new aunt (since I'm officially allowed to call her my aunt now) is so pretty and nice, I wish she was my mom.
Right now I'm freezing and I'm tired and I feel lonely and unloved and I just want to crawl up in my bed and never get out of it. Well, okay, until Summer, or in any case not until the weather gets better.
But it just sucks that it feels like I'm not loved, or not loved anymore or something like that. It sucks even more when it feels that way when you do have someone. I still want to put a lot of effort in this relationship (okay it probably feels for everyone as if I only recently started doing that, so it's unfair to ask it back), but I just don't know what to do about it all right now. And then I want to talk about it, but it feels like it's better not to, considering we're both tired and kinda irritated (eh, probably).

Okay fuck everything now

I would love to stab myself right now. Oh but not to kill myself, sometimes I have this feeling and I would love to stab it but then I'd have to stab myself so yeah. But I'm serious, it doesn't have so much to do with dying.
And now I want to cry my eyes out because guess what, yes yes I did it, I managed to make someone mad at me again. Fuck everything. I do not understand why others can't see why I don't like myself.

I don't get it

So now I'm just sitting here, crying my eyes out, wondering why feeling like these exist.
I don't wanna be here, I don't wanna cry, I don't want to feel sad, I want to be happy. Where is that goddamn switch in my brain? Why am I not happy? How is that possible when I have all I ever wished for - and even better? I have friends, I have a home, I can learn things, I can listen to music, I have a boyfriend who is better than I could have imagined, I have parents who take care of me. I have everything I need to be happy so what the hell is wrong with me? Where the hell did it go wrong in my brain? Why is this happening? Why is it possible for people to feel like this?

So it worked

It took me long enough, but now I'm finally crying. Too bad it's not one of those "I'll just cry hard for a few minutes and then nothing is wrong anymore"-cries, instead it's one of those "I can cry for a short time, then I stop and then I have to cry again but I keep feeling bad"-cries.
Now the worst is that I don't know why I feel so terrible and I have no one to reach now too. I was there was someone to hold me now or at least to calm me down but I don't want to make anyone mad by contacting them. I just feel empty and lonely and it hurts and I don't even know why.