Nice and handsome.

I just realized, I've never met a guy who's handsome AND nice. Not really until this Summer. Because my brother's new friend Nick, who we met in Loano 2, is quite handsome and he's nice. Also, Nicola is handsome and very nice.
That reminds me... Somewhere, I don't remember where exactly, I saw a picture with on there "The more I think of him, the more I fall in love with him". It's so true. :/ The more I think about Nicola, the more I love him. He's just amazing.. ;-;
And, I have a digital piano now. ^.^
Or have I said that before? o.O I'm soooo confused, my brain isn't really working properly...

Feeling lonely.

I'm really feeling lonely lately. In the weekend, there's nothing to do and I don't feel like asking a friend to come over. It feels like they're all busy anyway. Also on facebook no one replies to me these days. And I actually only have 3 real-life friends, and they all live far away. 30 minutes, 1 hour and 13 hours. I just feel totally forgotten and I don't feel like trying to get any more friends now. :/
And I've been thinking a bit... I'm not really active. I only have voice-lessons, that's it. Yeah, my mom took over the piano lessons. I like playing the piano, but I don't like the lessons. So I decided that if we're getting a digital piano, I'll definitively practice, but if not then that's okay, then I'm just not going to play the piano. But then again, it's not really something 'active', it's not a sport. Yet I'm interested in quite a lot things; Snowboarding, basketball, jazz dance, hiphop dance and kinda parkour as well... I'm thinking about doing hiphop dance next year, but I'm kinda afraid of asking my parents right now and I'm not sure if it's something for me... If it's something I like...

Working at Loano 2.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how it would be if I'd work in Loano 2 Village. It honestly seems really awesome to me, the only negative thing I'd find, not counting that I don't speak Italian with that, is that I'd only have about 5 hours of sleep and on Saturdays I'd have free time in afternoon, which I'd probably use to sleep, too. But it's really the only negative thing I can think of. Just now I asked Nicola what the positive and negative things are from working there. I don't know if it actually was handy to ask him, because two days ago I asked him if he'd work at Loano 2 again next year if he could, and he said "If next year would be the same as this year, then absolutely yes.", he really liked the job, so yeah.... That'll be more positive things than negative things. xD Which is positive, it's just that... If I'd get the chance to work there, I don't want to be too excited just in case things won't be as fun as I thought or hoped.
And I've been thinking about it. I'll be 19 after my exams. If I won't fail them, then my longest vacation ever will start when I'm 19 and I'll become 20 in that vacation. Now that vacation, if nothing will change, will be 3 months long. I think I want to study in Italy. 3 months long means I could eventually work there in the first month of my vacation. then after that I'd still have 2 months vacation, and maybe I could work there even longer. But also then I have about 5 years to learn Italian. xD Haha, how'd I do that? I could try it with LOI kids, of course that costs money, though. If it costs about 500 euros I could easily pay that if my parents would help me a bit. xD I have about 300 euros so if they'd give me 200 euros... xD Not that they'll do that. :/ Would 5 years be enough to learn fluent Italian?

Crying.

Lately, I haven't cried a lot. But when I cried, it was either about Loano 2 or Nicola, and when I cried, I cried hard. As in, really hard. And now again. I just wanted to check Nicola's pictures, again... And I was listening to "Trying not to love you" from Nickelback, and then I suddenly started crying. I kinda have the feeling that I'm trying not to love Nicola... I know he'll never love me anyway, I barely expect him to even like me a little bit as a friend... I wish I was Loano 2 right now, and that I had met Nicola last year or something, and that he'd be there now. Then I'd come to him, even if anyone could see now that I've cried, and then I'd just ask him what he thinks about me. I'd ask him if he sees me as a friend. And if he would be a real friend, I'm sure he'd ask me what's wrong, since my face shows I just cried - I'm actually still crying - and this may sound weird, but I'd actually get happy if he'd ask me what's wrong. Facebook isn't loading for me right now, though, and I don't really feel like bothering Nicola now... Besides, he doesn't know me THAT well. And I've got my doubts, should I really ask him what he thinks of me? It's the only way to figure it out, right? Or is there another way? I don't know it anymore. All I know is that all I can do now is crying and all I want to do now is to hug Nicola. I just wish I could come over in the Winter or something, so we could go snowboarding. No, I've never done that before, but it seems really interesting to me and Nicola told me he liked snowboarding, so he could teach me, I guess. :P I just wish I could see him right now... Even if it would be through a webcam, I don't care, I just want to see him. :(

Being there for you.

For as long as I remember I've never had a friend who'd be there for me. Not until I met Luzzie and Loes, they were the first people I let in and they still are the only ones who are there for me - okay, yeah, Nicola is also there for me x) Just that my brother really makes me doubt... He's all like "You're just Internet friends, who says it's a real friend? You'd say way different things on Internet than in real life". It's true, but if people can like me for who I am, even when I'm sad and negative on Internet, and if they also like me when I'm happy on Internet, then they'll surely like me in real life. Because I'm way happier in real life. Not that I'm hiding my emotions. Not anymore... Okay, still from time to time I just fake a smile, but it's not like I do that 24/7, which I first did... But, since Nicola is super nice and he looks so happy, I'm sure that he could like me (as a friend...) in real life. The only way to find out is to actually talk to him in real life, right? x) I'll have to wait for a year... Maybe a few years... Who knows... Aaaanyway, so Luzzie and Loes were the first ones who were always there for me, now I want to be there for them. I'm really awkward with that kind of things, but still, if someone helps me, then I'll help them, too.

And I keep dreaming about Loano 2, and at day, when I'm bored, I just daydream about working at Loano 2... It just seems so fun to me. My so called friend (or pretty much my school friend) was like "Hah, you working with kids, I'd like to see that". I get where she got that from. x) I don't really talk to little kids... I'm most likely afraid I'll say something wrong or anything weird like that. xD But I can't really work with kids in Loano 2 just yet, I don't speak Italian. xD I do speak a little bit German and French, but not good enough for a conversation. :P Yeah, I really want to learn those languages and I really want to work at Loano 2... At least, that's what I want now. So I'll have to work hard, especially for German, French and English. And Dutch is just an extra. :P Italian will come later. ^.^ My brother also needs to learn Italian, so I could ask him if it's a hard language, and maybe Nicola could help me with learning it. ^.^

I'm 100% sure now.

So, I wasn't 100% sure if I really missed Loano 2 because I loved that place, or if it was because I regret not talking to Nicola. At first I just was sure that it was Loano 2, but my parents made me doubt. But now I'm just 100% sure that it was Loano 2, and not Nicola. Nicola is super nice and sweet and a really great friend (at least, I do see him as a friend, I don't know if he sees me as a friend...) and I still love him, but I miss Loano 2 like hell. :S I would do anything to go back there, really anything... I miss it so freaking much. D:

Feeling tired.

Lately, I always wake up around 2 AM. Sometimes I just turn my alarm on on my phone, at other times I really wake up out of nowhere... Now I didn't have that, and now I'm feeling super tired. xD I actually slept quite good, but yet I'm yawning like... 5 times a minute, if it's not more. xD God. ;-;
And I miss Nicola. D: I mean, I still talk to him on facebook, and yesterday I said "Hey" and he answered "Hi :D" and the smiley just made me super happy and that he replied also made me super happy, because most people I know wouldn't answer me if I'd say "Hey", but Nicola did AND he added a smiley. :D And then I was like "How are you?" and he was like, "I'm fine, thanks :D And you?" and yayay he also asked me how it's going - yeah, not a lot people actually care about that, so... WHY THE HECK IS NICOLA SO NICE? D: Why was I so shy, why didn't I just step forward and start talking to Nicola? WHY? WHY THE FREAKING HECK? :( I could slap myself now for not trying to get a conversation with him when I could... But somehow I just know I'll see him again sometime. I don't know where or when, but I just know that I'll see him... Maybe next year, IF we're going back to Loano 2, even if he doesn't work there anymore. I could just arrange things then.
And my parents got really mad at me. I don't think I said anything about it here, but when I was in school I felt sick, so I texted my mom and she was like "Just try, only two more hours to go" and when I came home she was all like "Did you just want to go home because you didn't make your homework?" and later my dad came in my room and he was like "Shut down your computer and go make your homework, and if you don't have any homework then you go learn. I'm so sick of this now". :/ And also my mom said that we're not going on vacation AT ALL if this continues. So now I just gotta make all my homework and go to school without being sick till around February, because in December/January we most likely decide if we're going on vacation and then in January/February we book for vacation. Now it feels like I'm the one who's going to decide whether we're going on vacation or not, and I will decide that by making my homework and going to school each and every single day. Guess there's no choice then, but I want something back for that. I want Loano 2 back.

He's nearby.

Last Sunday I managed to get a short conversation with Nicola again, I said something in the morning and I got a reply when I was at Lucia's house (oh yeah, I forgot to say, Saturday I went to the beach and Sunday I went to Lucia ;) ) and then when I came back home, I replied to him and he replied around 9 PM, and at 10 PM we stopped talking. And then yesterday I said something, but he didn't reply. :( But I knew that today, his school would start, so I didn't really expect him to reply... And just one hour before I came home, he replied to me, saying "I'm quite near you, right now, I'm in Belgium :D" So yaaay, he's in Belgium. c: He also told me the city he's in - I just don't feel like saying that here - and it's only around 2 hours away from me. ;o So I'd actually want to ask my mom if she can ride me there, but the problem is;
1. He's probably there for school, so I don't think he's got that much free time.
2. My mom is working, and going now hasn't really got a point, because I'd come there around 5 PM, lol. xD
3. My mom wouldn't ride me there anyway... Not even if she'd know the actual reason.
4. I don't exactly know where he is, I only know the country and the city. But still, not exactly. ;)
5. I don't know how long he'll be there.

But well, if he'd stay there for like, 3 months or something, and he'd have some time, or Autumn break, then I could maybe ask him if I could come over since it's not that far of a ride... Okay, yes it's quite far away, but not as far away as Italy. xD But I'd do that for him. ^.^ I'd prove my brother that he IS a real friend, and not an Internet friend. x)

And, it's 9/11. Only 11 years ago, America got attacked... R.I.P. to the 3000 people that have died.

Weird dreams.

Lately I've had really weird dreams. I mean, when I tell my brother about my dreams, he's like "You told me my dream was weird, but your dreams are just insane". I'm never going to tell him about my last dream, though. It was really weird... I was chatting with someone, I rather say no names, but then I said something, and the person said "I love you. Will you marry me?" Then I replied "What... I'm just 14." And the person answered "It's fine. But if you don't want to marry me, that's okay. But I'll keep loving you. Forever." The weirdest part was actually... The person who said it to me. It keeps flashing back... It's never going to be real, though. That person will never love me... Never... No matter what.
And my brother woke me up this morning. Ugh... He had to wake up at 6 AM so he had one hour to get ready and then go to the bus station so he'd be in school on time. But he really didn't TRY to let me be able to sleep. :/ He already told me he was going to get me back... But hey, he had 3 months vacation, I HAD to be silent when I had to go to school, and then now I have one day free when he doesn't, and then it's just fine to wake me up? Seriously?
And I tested my phone. I turned the alarm clock on, first I just tested if it could maybe wake me up, then I set it on 2 AM, and now each night my phone will wake me up at 2 AM. It's because I want that. I want to wake up around 2 AM. I can't explain why, though...

Even though there's more to say, I'm going to stop writing now. My right eye is being weird, I can't see anything sharp with it, so... That's no good, I guess.

Coming back for you.

I really miss Italy so much, it's almost 24/7 on my mind, and it makes it so hard to concentrate on homework or on school at all. :/ I just had dinner, and my mom was like, "Well, then we'll keep the map from Loano 2" and then my brother said something, I didn't hear what, but then my mom was like "We're going to another hotel they're building there" in a sarcastic way. So I was like "What?" and my mom was like "Just kidding. But that boy really won't be there next year". Well, whatever. I can talk to him now, so... After all, I miss Loano 2 for Loano 2, and not only for Nicola. I'm really getting sick of it. :/

Knowing how it feels to be homesick.

I miss Italy so much... And I just realized something. I've never missed a place this much. That's not the only thing. I've never really felt home in the Netherlands. Even worse, I never felt home in my own home.. But in Italy, in Loano... I felt home.. For the very first time I actually felt amazing and it felt like I could do anything, I just didn't realize it until the last 2 days. The last time I cried this hard, was when we had to leave Italy. Before that, I've only cried this hard once. In 2006. So in my entire life, I've only cried this hard 3 times. One of my friends once came over. For the first time we'd have a sleepover at my house. But she was homesick and in the middle of the night, my mom brought her home. I never understood "being homesick". I thought I'd never know how it feels to be homesick, because when I stayed at someone else's place... Fine, maybe I didn't feel home, but I didn't miss my own home or anything. But now I understand how it feels to be homesick.

In a dictionary, they explain the word as "Longing to return home", and with home they either mean your house, or your birthplace. I don't have any connections to Italy, I wasn't born there, I never lived there, I've only been there 3 times by now. The first two times I didn't feel right there. All I could think the first time was "I hope there are no bears around here". I also got a black eye that year. The second year wasn't really special, either. But this year was just amazing.. Now I miss Italy so much. I keep crying so hard.. It's giving me a headache, RIGHT when it was over... I think this is how it feels to be homesick...

Being sick and falling in love.

So today, I'm staying home because I'm sick. I already feel better then a few hours ago, but I still don't feel too good... But I've got some friends to cheer me up. ^.^ My school friend hasn't forgotten about me - when she came in school she texted me, after the first lesson she texted me, after the second lesson she texted me and in the first break she texted me twice, saying "I hope you get better soon!". And then I've got Nicola. Yes, I count him as a friend right now. ^.^ I thought he was nice, and I was right. He's super nice and super friendly and quite easy to talk to. ^.^ I just wonder what he thinks of me.. It really feels like I'm bothering him, which I don't want, of course.. I just really want to talk to him because he's so nice. I've talked to him yesterday, and that went quite well. ^.^ Now this morning around 8 AM I sent him something on Facebook and now we're talking again. He really is nice. I just hope he thinks the same way about me, that he sees me as a friend... But, there's a little problem. I thought he was nice, even before I actually talked to him, and now he ends up to be super nice, just like I thought. Now I really think I fell in love with him. But he's 5 years older than me AND he lives THIRTEEN hours away from me. D: But, the positive thing is, I think he would tell me if I'd annoy him or if he wouldn't have time to talk. ^.^ I already said, this morning; "I'm really sorry if I'm bothering you. ;o" and he answered "You are not, really ;)" It feels good to have a new friend, though... But... Why must he live so far away? D: