So right now it's all I can think of: I want to give up tonight, I want to let go, I want to die, I want to kill myself. Tonight. I might just try it, send a few people a message that I'm sorry, write a letter to my brother and my parents, apologizing for being such a shitty daughter and then, when I'm done, just take an OD. It'd be fine, who'd care? I really wonder. And what if I'd survive? Would people show me how much they cared? Did anyone care at all? How'd my parents react? Oh well, they'd be happy if I died, and if I survived they'd yell at me, not just because I tried to kill myself, but because I failed. I'm a failure, I really am.
I want to give up tonight, I really do, I don't see any other options...
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Crying my eyes out
Last night I was really tired and I was talking to someone and then he had to be away for a while. God damn it I don't know what happened, but I bursted out into tears. But I was so tired that I fell asleep and my Skype logged off, later when I woke up again I logged in again and he was online but I decided to go back to sleep anyway and now I fucking regret that. T_T And just now I bursted out into tears again. I can't live without him, I realized that.
But there's another reason why I bursted out into tears. I want to talk to Dennis, I'm actually damn worried about him right now. D:
Thursday, May 9, 2013
What if I was gone?
"Your door is locked. A white paper lays in front of you. You write the words "To my family,". This is it. This will be your last letter, the last letter you'll ever write. You're crying your eyes out. You change "To my family" to "Dear mum, dad, sister and brother". As you write the letter, you cry harder. When you're done writing the letter, you go to bed. You close your eyes, knowing you'll never wake up again.
The morning after, at 7.25, your mum knocks on your door and says "Breakfast is ready". No response. A few minutes later she knocks again. Still no response. After some time she opens your door and sees you, dead in your bed. She collapses. She bursts out into tears. With some strength she tries to stand up and walk to your bed. She holds your hand. "Wake up, wake up" she says. She doesn't want to believe you're gone. Your dad hears your mum and runs upstairs as fast as possible. He walks to your room and sees your mum, trying to wake you up, knowing you're dead. You won't wake up again. He tries to stay strong. Your mum and dad can't believe you're dead. They don't want to believe you're gone, they don't want to believe you won't ever come back again.
In class someone comes walking in. You can see on his face that he's got bad news. He tells the teacher everything, the teacher is shocked. He tells the class what happened. He tells them you killed yourself last night. It was suicide. The entire class is shocked, people are crying. Even that popular girl who always made fun of you. Even the girl who used to copy your homework without saying a word to you. They're all crying.
Your little sister comes home. Your parents have to tell her the news. Your sister bursts out in tears. She doesn't know what to do, she just wants to be with you, with her big sister, but she's gone. She won't come back. Later your brother comes home, wondering what's going on. They tell him what happened. He walks to his room, locks his door and starts slamming the door and the walls. His sister, she's gone. Gone forever.
The day of your funeral. A lot of people come. Your entire family is there, your class is there, all your teachers are there. They're there for you. They're all crying. Still nobody wants to believe this, nobody wants this to be true.
Months later, your mom cleans your room. She looks at your clothes. She can't, she just can't throw them away. She doesn't want you to be gone, she wants you back.
People are still crying about your death. That popular girl now cuts herself, she feels guilty. The girl who copied your homework is trying to starve herself, wondering why she never even thanked you. Your little sister cries every morning, thinking about you. Your brother can't sleep properly anymore because you're the only thing on his mind.
This is what they'll think of till they die. This will always be on their minds. Suicide doesn't only kill you, it kills the people around you, too."
This is a story I read sometime ago, I don't really know where. But this made me cry, it really did, and even now I'm trying my hardest not to cry.
But this just made me wonder how it'd be if I'd be gone. Nobody cares until it's too late...
The morning after, at 7.25, your mum knocks on your door and says "Breakfast is ready". No response. A few minutes later she knocks again. Still no response. After some time she opens your door and sees you, dead in your bed. She collapses. She bursts out into tears. With some strength she tries to stand up and walk to your bed. She holds your hand. "Wake up, wake up" she says. She doesn't want to believe you're gone. Your dad hears your mum and runs upstairs as fast as possible. He walks to your room and sees your mum, trying to wake you up, knowing you're dead. You won't wake up again. He tries to stay strong. Your mum and dad can't believe you're dead. They don't want to believe you're gone, they don't want to believe you won't ever come back again.
In class someone comes walking in. You can see on his face that he's got bad news. He tells the teacher everything, the teacher is shocked. He tells the class what happened. He tells them you killed yourself last night. It was suicide. The entire class is shocked, people are crying. Even that popular girl who always made fun of you. Even the girl who used to copy your homework without saying a word to you. They're all crying.
Your little sister comes home. Your parents have to tell her the news. Your sister bursts out in tears. She doesn't know what to do, she just wants to be with you, with her big sister, but she's gone. She won't come back. Later your brother comes home, wondering what's going on. They tell him what happened. He walks to his room, locks his door and starts slamming the door and the walls. His sister, she's gone. Gone forever.
The day of your funeral. A lot of people come. Your entire family is there, your class is there, all your teachers are there. They're there for you. They're all crying. Still nobody wants to believe this, nobody wants this to be true.
Months later, your mom cleans your room. She looks at your clothes. She can't, she just can't throw them away. She doesn't want you to be gone, she wants you back.
People are still crying about your death. That popular girl now cuts herself, she feels guilty. The girl who copied your homework is trying to starve herself, wondering why she never even thanked you. Your little sister cries every morning, thinking about you. Your brother can't sleep properly anymore because you're the only thing on his mind.
This is what they'll think of till they die. This will always be on their minds. Suicide doesn't only kill you, it kills the people around you, too."
This is a story I read sometime ago, I don't really know where. But this made me cry, it really did, and even now I'm trying my hardest not to cry.
But this just made me wonder how it'd be if I'd be gone. Nobody cares until it's too late...
Happy - Sad - Happy - Sad
So I haven't posted here in a while. I actually forgot about this blog until today, since someone wanted to see my blogs. In case you're interested in my Tumblr blog - http://ayakashy.tumblr.com/
Anyway, nowadays my mood changes super fast. Then I wake up and then everything is fine but before I know it, my day is ruined. Or I already wake up crying and later on I can't stop laughing. Or on the middle of the day I feel happy and then suddenly I feel like crying and then I can't stop laughing again. I don't know what's up with me. But now I'm also kinda afraid of crying because something weird happened last time, I pretty much freaked out and everything felt so surreal and I felt light in my head and I started shaking and what not. No idea what happened, but it was scary.
Aaaaalso, 5 more days till the Eurovision song contest. It seems like Chris and my dad both think the Netherlands will go to the finals but I don't even want to believe that. :P Actually, I don't want the Netherlands to go to the finals anymore - I'd owe Chris an ice cream. xD Sure I'll just send it to Sweden. But I still can't wait.
And this is kinda what I mean. T_T Stupid mood swings.
Anyway, nowadays my mood changes super fast. Then I wake up and then everything is fine but before I know it, my day is ruined. Or I already wake up crying and later on I can't stop laughing. Or on the middle of the day I feel happy and then suddenly I feel like crying and then I can't stop laughing again. I don't know what's up with me. But now I'm also kinda afraid of crying because something weird happened last time, I pretty much freaked out and everything felt so surreal and I felt light in my head and I started shaking and what not. No idea what happened, but it was scary.
Aaaaalso, 5 more days till the Eurovision song contest. It seems like Chris and my dad both think the Netherlands will go to the finals but I don't even want to believe that. :P Actually, I don't want the Netherlands to go to the finals anymore - I'd owe Chris an ice cream. xD Sure I'll just send it to Sweden. But I still can't wait.
And this is kinda what I mean. T_T Stupid mood swings.
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