I've had a crush on you since I've known you

But I can't tell you because you'd be weirded out and it kills me. I just want to tell you I love you and I love everything about you. I love the way you talk, the way you observe, the way you explain things, or even just the way you exist. You're good at observing so you probably already know I have a crush on you, and you probably don't think of me the same way, and that's okay. I just wish I could get over it, especially since I'm not right for you.

Alright just let me point this out

I do not exactly wish to die because of what happened. I just still wish every single day that this is just a fucked up nightmare and that I'll wake up soon, knowing you're still there. I swear to God this is driving me crazy and there's no one I can talk to. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't keep up with school, I can't take care of myself anymore and I don't even know how or when or why all of that happened. But you know what makes all of this even weirder? The only one who showed they cared about me, was my German teacher. Not even my mentor or my friends or family.

I just have to say this somewhere

Something is really bothering me, but I don't know who to tell it to, so I guess I'll just write it here for now.
Just a moment ago, I had a... Well, I had some some sort of 'attack'. It's nothing bad, really. But I realised what all I've lost. I've lost pretty much everything I cared about.
For example, my hamster was my life, but I didn't take good care of it so it died and I'm still in denial. Same thing with my guinea pigs. Also, I loved my relationship, but I never really showed it, and now it's gone. Also I had this great friend but instead of showing her I support her, I didn't show her I was there for her so I lost her. And now, I'm about to lose my home as well, unless my mom decides she's fine with having me live here.

So, let me get this straight

First, I hear I have had an ear infection in my right ear for about 10 years. Then, half a year later, we plan an operation for that. Two weeks before the operation, I get ill. Then I get an ear infection in my left ear which caused me to wake up at 1 am, unable to go back to sleep. And now, at 4 am, I'm awake again. Not because of my ear infections, but because of a fucking nosebleed and the horrible headache that came with it.
What the hell is going on here? My left ear was totally fine and suddenly it also has an infection, and now I have a nosebleed (and I don't know what to do about it) while I haven't had a nosebleed since, I don't know, since I was 5? And I've never felt a headache like this, since I usually don't have headaches. Well, wish me luck getting back to sleep I guess? I'm so tired...

It feels kinda weird

So, apparently, people go from liking me to hating me in just a few days. Kaay so this really shouldn't surprise me, but it surely feels weird.
And I have two ear infections, oh how great! Oh and a cold. And it has to be over by the 3rd of April.

I don't want this

I want my hearing back, I want Dennis back, and I want my life back on track. I don't want any of this. I don't fucking get what I have to do to get it all back. And now I'm sitting here, crying again, because I can't take this shit.

Honestly

It's not like I don't see the 'beauty' of life, it's not like I think life can't be good at all, but I just don't want my life.
I'm failing school, my boyfriend left me, my dad keeps talking about my flaws, people in school make me feel bad, my friends get mad at me for giving my opinion, I can't make new friends, I have two ear infections right now and... Eventhough all of this sounds like not much of a hell but rather like a bad day/week/month, it does feel like hell. I'm not happy, I'm not happy at all. I was happy, I was fine several days ago. I feel like certain things could be fixed, but you won't hear me out.