I'm totally forgotten.

I haven't had any real friends, ever, until I met Luzzie, Dennis and Loes, I met Dennis because of Luzzie, and I met Luzzie and Loes on goSupermodel. It really felt like I had real friends, for the first time in my life. It got me so happy, but now I realize it was all fake. I'm totally forgotten. A real friend wouldn't forget about any of her/his friends, but I'm totally forgotten.
Loes never talks to me, that shows enough. All I'm doing to Dennis is making him feel even worse and Luzzie has totally forgotten about me. She doesn't know me anymore. She never talks to, or about me anymore, which she used to do. She never text me anymore, never, I bet she already removed my number, not remembering to know anyone who's called 'Linda'.
I'm done. Just done. I'd go away now, to a place where no one can safe me if I'd just do it, but I can't. My mom, who keeps telling my I'm searched for (bad) attention, is keeping me home. I never go outside all by myself, so if I'd do it now, she'd probably know something weird is going on, so she's pretty much keeping me home. And I can't do it now, not right here, that's the only thing keeping me from doing it. And my favourite teacher, he's the one I'm living for right now. He's the only one I trust, the only one who hadn't forgotten about me just yet. I damn much hate this all. I wish I could just call him now, telling him I'm one step from doing it, but I can't. I want to end it all. I don't want any of this anymore. I hate it.

And my mom ruined my day

So I told my teacher last Friday about problems I have with eating and I told him I hadn't eaten much more than dinner in the past days. He asked me if I wanted my mom to know about it, so I told him I was fine with it if he'd tell my mom that. Then Saturday he called and in midday, when we were eating my mom was like; "Why do you eat WAY too less?" and when I wanted to answer, she said "It's for attention, isn't it?" IT GOT ME SO DAMN PISSED. So then I walked away.
And so I told my teacher about that today, then he said; "Maybe you should try to get the conversation again, tell her she shouldn't talk until you're totally done talking". So my mom just came home and she asked "So, did you talk to him again?" and I nodded, and honestly, I'm so happy I could talk to him again. And then she asked what I said. But as always, I told him personal things I don't want my parents to know about. Weird enough, I trust him much more than my own parents. So, as usual, I was like "Complain complain complain" and usually, my mom quits asking for it then, but this time she didn't so I made up a joke. Well, it wasn't totally a joke, but I said I talked about the food thingy, and I did say something about that, but it wasn't really about that. And then my mom was like "For the attention" and DAMN that got me so pissed. Before she said that, I was still smiling. And then, BAM, day ruined. THANKS MOM. F Y-O-U. You damn much don't even know what I'd love to do now, and it's not even NEAR to positive, but for your amusement I'd do it RIGHT in front of your eyes. F you.

Deep in the meadow

Deep in the meadow, under the willow

A bed of grass, a soft green pillow

Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes

And when again they open, the sun will rise

Here it's safe, and here it's warm

Here the daisies guard you from every harm

Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true

Here is the place, where I, love you.

Deep in the meadow, hidden far away

A cloak of leave, a moonbeam ray

Forget your woes and let your troubles lay

And when again it's morning, they'll all wash away

Here it's safe, and here it's warm

Here the daisies guard you from every harm

Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true

Here is the place,

Here is the place,

 where I, 

love you.

This heat is insane.

In the past days it has been 30 degrees Celsius, not colder.
God I'm dying in this heat. o.O
And it's only Spring.. Like, really? D: My birthday is at the 15th of June and I don't want another heatwave at my birthday. There was once a heatwave on my birthday and I really hated it. >.< I wish it could just be 25 degrees Celsius with a nice breeze, yeah, that's nice. BUT NOT DARN 36 DEGREES CELSIUS. I came home from school last Monday, and it was 36 degrees Celsius. o.O
It's never good; Then it's too cold, then it's too hot. x) But really, from 15 degrees Celsius to 30? o.O That's just insane.

I'm in serious trouble right now.

This is no good at all.
I really NEED to talk to my teacher because really, I started planning things I better not be planning. Just that my brother has got his exams and both my parents have.
But the problem is, I don't know if my teacher will be on school tomorrow and he's really the only one I trust. :/
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so confused. D:
Today, I was really happy. But then, suddenly out of nowhere, I was mad. I don't even know why. Nothing bad really happened, so..

I just want to say sorry.

I've been too selfish lately without even noticing it. I've hurt people I never meant to hurt, people who are keeping me alive, people who actually cared about me but I never dared to believe them, too scared they'll end up breaking my heart. But in the end, I'm the one breaking other people's hearts and I never meant to.
So first, my parents.
They didn't know what I said about them. I love them, I do. Just at times I don't realize it. I went shopping with my mom, for shoes, and I didn't want to go at all. But after all, it really was fun.
Next, my 2 school friends.
I might not see them as real friends, but if we weren't real friends, they wouldn't hang out with me in school. They'd completely ignore me, perhaps, or talk about me behind my back, which they haven't.
Then, Dennis.
I'd been so confused lately and I didn't watch my words. This is perhaps the 3rd time I didn't watch my words and hurt him. I didn't mean to. Just.. So much happened lately and I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't realize what I was saying.. I didn't mean most things of what I said... Honestly, I want to tell my parents about it. So badly. I just.. Can't dare to do it.. My mom once asked me about it, and I lied to her.. That's when I knew I just had to tell my teacher about it, because it had been eating me inside.
Then at last, but never least as they say, Luzzie.
We hadn't been talking in ages so all I wanted to do was ignoring her because I just knew she didn't want to talk to me. At all. Otherwise she had talked to me after what I posted on here, but she didn't. However, who even said she had time? Who even wastes time on a girl like me, who will end up hating life anyway? Any of our conversations turn into a fight and it made her think once, that our last time would be fighting. But I didn't care. I didn't care because I thought she didn't care, too, but this morning I realized that I actually just hurt them.. I hurt both Dennis and Luzzie.
It's kinda weird, but it made me ashamed. Ashamed to ever talk to them again. Now I've got no idea what to do. I just want to die. But there's one thing I want, one thing before dying.
I want to have those protective arms around me. Those protective arms I haven't had around me ever since my mom had cancer. I miss those protective arms around me, because I haven't had them since 2006. I need them. But I don't have them and I'm still waiting for them to come and reach out for me. Just that I don't know whose it'll be, and when they'll come. But I'll be waiting. I'll be waiting right here.

I'm starting to enjoy things again.

It's been a while since I actually fully enjoyed something. I think the last time was about a year ago, but somehow, today started great. I searched for a DVD of Within Temptation, my dad went to their concert in 2005 and we bought the DVD of it, and I just know we never throw away that kind of things, so I knew it had to be somewhere. So at 8:30 AM I went downstairs to search for it and it wasn't there, so the only option would be in my room as I used to watch it from time to time, and then I found it. ^^ So then I watched it, and that's how my morning started and that kinda made it all fine. ^^ My brother was still sleeping and my parents were both working, so it was calm downstairs and I kinda liked that, because I never sing with others around, so I could actually sing along without being ashamed and I really loved it. ^^ Not like I can reach all the notes of their songs, because really, Sharon can sing very high. ;o
One bad thing is, my throat really hurts since two days ago. :( However, it didn't keep me from singing.
So yeah, I'm actually starting to feel better, even though I haven't slept very well. I woke up at 23:30, then I stayed awake till 1:00 AM, then I finally fell asleep but woke up at 4 AM again, then at 5 AM I fell asleep again, and then I woke up at 7 AM, then I was only awake for 15 minutes and then at about 8 AM I woke up again, that's when I pretty much gave up on sleeping any longer. xD
So yeah. But I'm still.. Feeling confused.. I just don't know. :S Sooner or later it'll go away, I guess.

Third day that I haven't eaten.

Well actually, I haven't eaten since yesterday, dinner.
It kinda made me wonder; How long can a human last without food? Now it's not like I'm not eating at all, since I still eat dinner for my parents, but still. I've been tired for so long, and first, it just was because I had slept badly every night. But I think, since a year or 2, it's either because I don't eat enough. Weird enough, I thought my mom would notice it, but she hasn't. At least, not yet. She'd get a baby sitter for when I'm home and she's not to see if I eat properly or not. So I hope she won't figure out. :/
It's kinda weird, but yesterday I became very mad at my teacher just because he forgot about something I asked him to do. Like, what does it even matter? It wasn't a big deal after all and he's a teacher, of course he'll easily forget things.. As long as they're not of real importance, it doesn't really matter much. At least he hasn't forgotten about me.
But anyway, today I got some positive thoughts as soon as I came home. I was thinking about the grades I got today; a 6,8 for biology and a 10 for French, and then I was like; "Well, biology.. It's not THAT bad. And French, ooh, if I score about the 8,5 on the two tests in the testweek for French, I might still be able to go to VWO" and I've got no idea were they came from. Usually I'm just like; "I'm stupid. If I'd quit school, there would be no difference than if I wouldn't quit school now".
Well yeah, that's me. Damn negative all the time. I've got my doubts if it ever gets better. :/
Anyway, as my mom got home, I guess I'll just eat something before she hears my stomach first...

I've been thinking.

As there isn't much more to do for me, I just started talking to myself again and all, and that brought me to the death of Rue; I just watched the Hunger Games and I really didn't want Rue to die, however, I already knew she'd die. When I read the book, I also started crying when I read about her death. So when I watched the movie, I cried, too. It's too obvious to me. I always cry with that kind of things. Just, Rue was so cute, too.
Anyway, back to the point. It made me think about my own life, weird enough. It brought me back to my suicidal thoughts. It made me think about how no one needs me, not now, not ever, I could wait forever for it to get better, but I just know it won't. I've tried finding someone who needs me, so I went through almost everybody I know;
My family;
My mother - Gah, she hates me. I wonder why she didn't throw me outta the house yet.
My father - He called me childish. It wasn't sarcastic. He told me he hated me. Nor that was sarcastic.
My brother - Hah, why'd he ever need me? He hates me, not like a brother, you know, just hate.
My cousins, uncles and aunts and grandparents- they barely even know me anymore.
Then my two 'friends', they couldn't care less if I was gone.
Then my 3 'Internet friends', well;
Dennis - I just don't know it anymore. It doesn't feel like I make sense to him, though.
Lucia - it's just that she texted me last night that I know she knows I still exist. We never talk, says enough. Just as everyone else pretending to like me, she doesn't really like me.
And then finally, Luzzie. Yup, she doesn't know me anymore. She doesn't care a sh-t, and yes, excuse me for my language. I bet that if I'd die now, she couldn't care less. No, I don't bet, I know. I know, because it's a damn fact. Again, excuse me for my language.
Just it shows enough, no one cares. I had about 2 reasons to stay alive; 1. I had a pinkiepromise about not dying until Luzz and I had a sleepover. We've had that sleepover now, so that's a reason less 2. Pretty much my teacher. He's nice, he knew how I felt. Until today, I noticed.
So really, what am I living for now? Nothing? Then what's the point? No one cares anyway, nor do I anymore. I just wonder, what exactly is keeping me alive now?

Hungry.

I'm really hungry. This might sound stupid, but I think that I am.
I haven't eaten since Sunday afternoon, not counting dinner with it. And I couldn't care less. I really couldn't. I don't want to eat. Ever again. I only ate dinner, because my mother is there with me then. I don't want my mom to know about this, me, not eating. I throw all the food away in school, and when my mom isn't home, I don't eat a thing too. Why would I, I could easily lie anyway.
However, no one seems to notice that I'm not eating. Not my friends in school, none of my teacher, not any of my classmates, no one. Which is actually perfect.
But, the weird thing is, it doesn't feel like I'm hungry. It feels like I'm empty, but that's it. It just doesn't feel like I am.

Oh how I hate my class.

My class, well, they're all about 3 years old. -.-
I hate them so much. They're so damn childish, the all of them. Not that I'm mature, but comparing to them, yes, I am.
So today we went to the zoo. I hated it. It rained, and we had 8 groups and I was in the 5th and.. Wait, I made a post about that, right? That I was the one ruining the trip. I actually did, apparently. It got me totally pissed. I hated today. :/
I seriously was about to jump in the water if there were no teachers.
Because that 'special' teacher was there, too, and I think any teacher would try to safe me, regardless if they like or dislike me. But any random kid, well, first try to get my out of the water. Then try to safe me, make me breathe again, whatever. Well, good luck with that.
And I guess all my other friends have already forgotten about me. I bet almost everyone who ever has seen me already has forgotten about me. Yeah, like anyone would care. I hate my life. I damn much do.

I hate myself.

OKAY today was just another boring school day.
It might sound weird, but I don't even hate school that much. I just hate my schooltime right now because I have such a stupid and annoying class and they know how to freak me out, they just don't see it because I never show it.
Like, school's boring, but not really stupid. I quite like my subjects, I think I even like them all but Dutch and maths. And I really LOVE music. My favourite subject, especially since my teacher is so nice. ^^ English would equal music, but I hate that teacher so much. She's arrogant. No lie.
Anyway, I don't know if I've told anyone about it, but my two friends sing a lot. Okay, so one has had 6 years of singing lessons and my other friend just sings the whole day long. It just gets me so jealous, because no, I wouldn't EVER dare to sing with anyone around but my singing teacher. She's there to help me with singing, after all. She tells me I sing pretty good. And today, I had music, and we were singing and Eva, my friend who sings all day long, apparently heard me. Two years ago we sung together a lot, at my home, though. So back then, she knew how I sung. But she hasn't heard me sing since then. Well, not until today. She heard me singing (probably she was the only one to hear me, because I don't talk, nor sing hard, afraid of what others think) and she was like; "Wow Linda, you've REALLY improved a lot since last time".
Well yeah, that was 2 years ago. And I have singing lessons since this year. -.-'
But I just won't believe her. I recorded myself a few days ago and I sound horrible. Okay, when I record stuff with my phone, everything /does/ sound differently, but really.
And now you might think; "Well that's all fine, but why the ~ do you hate yourself?" I DO, I hate myself so much; I'm annoying, I never talk, but when I do I make people hate me for my weirdness, I'm rude (not that anyone really knows. I talk a lot about others in my head, I say mean and rude thinks, but no one knows) and GAH, so shy. I hate it. I hate it all. And I'm ugly. There's no single way I can be pretty. Not even up-side-down. BUT, what I hate about me too, is that I NEVER dare to sing with others around. I want it so badly, and today, I was about to sing and BAM, I just couldn't dare. I don't have enough faith in myself for it, but I want it so badly. Everyday that I don't sing with others around, is another stupid day. As in, I hate that I don't dare to sing around. But who is there to teach me? No one. I know what thought I'm supposed to have. "I'm singing. I like it. What does it even matter what others think?" It just won't happen. :/

He's dead. Totally dead.

My guinea pig just died.
It's weird, this morning he was still alive, and now Dusty's dead.
I miss him so darn much. D:

It's getting better.

So, I'm terrible at history.
My highest grade for history, was a 9,3, however, that was only once.
I always get a 5,5 or a 4,5.
Last time, I got a 3,6, so my teacher really wondered what was up, so I told her and she let me redo the test. And now I got a 7,2 (out of 10). :D
I really like that, teehee. ^^

Now I'm just listening to songs I used to listen to a lot when I was about 8 years old. I must say, almost each song I listen since I was 11, almost 12, are super negative. The songs I used to listen are 'happier'. Makes me know what actually happens in these years.
And I still haven't talked to my teacher, it kinda saddens me. :C But, I think I'll just talk to him Monday, then. ^^

Hated by 2 more persons.

In school, I actually only have 2 'friends' and one person where I can get along with quite well (the girl I talked about in my other post).  So in the second break I was pissed and told my 'friends' why. And it ended in a fight.
So I told them I wanted more friends. Then one of my two friends said; "Jeesh, why do you ALWAYS want more?" So, she knows me since THIS year. My other friend knows me for about 7 years now. And really, the girl who knows me since this year now, thinks she already knows EVERYTHING about me. Dude, no, I don't ALWAYS want more, so don't tell me I do. Rather shut up. Rather make me feel ignored than telling me a big lie about myself, thinking you already know EVERYTHING about me. Really, shut the - up.
Excuse my language.
So yeah, that got me REALLY pissed and now these two friends told me they felt like we kinda weren't friends anymore. Thank you, thanks for making me hate my life even more than I did yet.
S-C-R-E-W- -T-H-E-M-.

But, well, let's end with something nice.
I had quite a nice dream, however, I don't think Luzz really likes it. :c 
Because, I was with Dennis, and like, we didn't meet up or anything. We were somewhere in the Netherlands and saw each others and started talking and all. And then we were laying in a park, and then we both sat up and were like "Wait, we didn't even hug yet, and I really need a hug" and then we hugged. And then he fell back and I laid on his chest. I quite liked the dream, though, because I'd REALLY love to just do nothing, lay in a park with a great friend, on his chest. Maybe I'd rather do that with my own boyfriend, though.
 

Don't tell me otherwise.

Okay so, next week Tuesday we're going to Beeske Bergen, a zoo, with my class. Now my mentor made groups, and I came in the 5th group, with 3 other girls. They all hate me, I just know. One of them is my 'friend' but she only slams me and hurts me physically in any way. And she has another friend in the group, and the other one is just someone where these two friends talk to from time to time. Now one girl, the friend of my 'friend', said that she was excited to go to the zoo, but that it's all ruined now because of the group. I'm the only one in the group who barely ever talks to her. I barely ever talk in overall. And now I just know I'm the one ruining this for her. Now that got me so pissed that I nearly just walked away. I just couldn't dare with my mentor, because she really hates me and I don't want to make things worse. However, I wish I just had the courage to walk out of the classroom and wait for my mentor to come out and talk to me. Not that she'd actually talk to me, though. And my whole class would be like "Where did you go?" and "Why did you walk out the classroom?" and that'd be something I wouldn't be able to take AT ALL.
So first the girl who didn't want to sit next to me, next this girl who doesn't want to be in the group with me. Oh and guess what? Those two are best friends.

And my friend was being SO annoying. She was like; "Yeah, but Linda doesn't want fun. Linda just wants a terrible life" and JEESH that got me SO pissed, but then again, I couldn't dare walking away. Just once more and I'll explode, seriously.

I told you so.

I so much told you.
Once something good happens, it vanishes because of something bad.
So I got a mail from a kennel that they wanted me, yeah?
Now;
1. My brother pisses me off.
2. I haven't seen my favourite teacher since the holidays and so I haven't talked to him in ages. He's pretty much the only one, together with Dennis and Luzz sometimes, who can make me smile. He makes me happy. And now I have nobody to make me happy because when I'm seriously sad, only he can make me happy. All that happens is me, making Dennis feel bad because I tell him how he hates me, and I start fighting with Luzz. I once made her think that our last moment would be fighting, and then I'd be gone. Forever.
3. My grades are getting terrible. No matter how much I do for school, they just won't increase. I feel like throwing away my books and don't care at all because it doesn't make sense anyway.
4. My classmates are TERRIBLE and they make me feel worse every day. They don't see it, but deep inside I get more cuttings because of them, either.

My life might not be as bad as those African kids who don't even have food, I admit that. Life can be much worse. But I hate my life. I'd love to trade with one of those kids. They deserve a better life. I don't. I hate it.
How I hate everything. Once I'll get this mad in class, I'll surely walk out. Not caring what they think. I want to slam them all SO BAD. I don't even have real friends. -.-
F EVERYTHING.
Just let me die. Right here, alone.

I'm so sure now.

So today, life gave me another hint. Well no, my brother did. I'm SO sure that he is one of the things that, together, create my depression. Really, he gets me SO pissed. He thinks he knows EVERYTHING but he doesn't know a THING. He thinks he's being all cool having no job and he's all like; "Why'd you want a job?" How about, I NEED MONEY. /I/ will have a job after all, and HE will stick at home, having NO MONEY AT ALL. He's an IDIOT and I'm not afraid to say it. There's NO way I can like him now. Not until he realizes how WRONG he is about all of this. I hate those people who think they're all and now my brother appears to be one of them. How is it possible that I didn't see that all the time? I hate him SO much, saying that in nicer words than I want.

What's up with my mood?

OKAY OKAY OKAY.
So I don't really know in what mood I am..
Like, I woke up with my back hurting REALLY badly, well, nice morning.
Then noticing I could've slept LONGER because I didn't have any lessons the first hour. -.-
Then going to school, seeing my friends again so that was nice.
AND I had music, so that's good, because I love it.
And my teacher for that subject, god, she's so nice and she can sing SO well. c:
I'm jealous, teehee.
And yeah, we sung 'A Thousand Miles' and 'Eternal Flame', like always.
And in the end of the day, I saw her again so I asked if she could play 'My Immortal' on the piano and then she asked me if I had music sheets, because I either told her I really wanted to be able to play My Immortal on the piano, and she said that if I had the music sheets, that she could maybe teach me that song. YAY. ^^
Yeah, and I laughed a lot, and I saw my boyfriend again at school. <3
He's so cute, I missed him so much. <3

Now I'm just listening to Evanescence, teehee. ;3
Oh yeah, I guess I already said it, but I really want to work in a kennel.
Now not too long ago I mailed a kennel if I could work there in vacations, and yesterday they mailed back AND GUESS WHAT? They said that they could use help. :D
I'm so happy now. ^^

As I said, I don't know what's up with my mood today.
Then I'm mad, then I'm sad, then I'm happy, jeesh.
It's kinda tiring. :(

WELCOME BACK LOES.

Yeah so, Loes went to Venice this week.
GIVE HER A WARM WELCOME, teehee. ;3
I hope it was fun.

Oh and I watched the Anywhere But Home DVD today, this morning. Farther Away WASN'T in clean version. COOL, teehee.
And there were bloopers on the DVD like, lol.
SO YEAH.
I hope today will be fun. ;3
Going to get some food now, before I'll starve, lol.
Byeeee~

Silence.

Two minutes silence for those who risked their life's just to safe the Netherlands.
Yeah, I'm late with posting this, but my mom wanted me to stay downstairs all the time.
So yeah, I once told my teacher about all my problems, and one of them was, that I pretty much don't have a social life and that I barely ever talk to my parents which is kinda sad.
So lately I've been trying to do more with my mom, you know, because we never really do a thing and it feels like I barely know my mom.
So, I'm going downstairs again, to my mom. 
We kinda had a good conversation and now I'm going to watch Holland's Got Talent with her and I might listen to the new CD Luzz gave me yesterday. ;3
Oh and yeah, the sleepover was fun, if I didn't say that yet. ^^

So, bye now. ^^

Playing the guitar

HIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAAAAA whoever is reading this.

 Luzz just poked me. ;o

And now she's playing the guitar.

Yeah, I have a guitar. It's actually from my mom, yeah, not that she ever played it. So once, I decided to steal it and give it a try, but I gave up after.. What was it? After trying twice. Yeah, that's me, giving up all the time.

So I think I'm actually going to play Roliana now, instead of goSupermodel. I don't want to support wAg anymore, fully of not caring people, to say it the 'nice' way.

SO YEAH.

I slept till about 10:50 AM and Luzz had to wake me up, lol.

I thought she'd sleep till about 12 AM, but she didn't. ;o

ANYWAYS.

We talked till 2 AM and then we decided to sleep. :P

I MISS PEOPLE.

And Luzz is leaving at 6 PM today, so then I'm going to miss her too. :(

I miss him. D:

I MISS MY BOYFRIEND SO SO FREAKING MUCH.
Unfortunately, he's not the only one I miss.
I know this is damn strange, but I miss my teacher as well.
OKAY he just understands me okay? He understands me like no one else and that makes me miss him. 
He just made me happy and well.. I think I kinda like him.
OKAY this is wrong.
BUT I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND SO MUCH MORE.
I miss both.
I need someone to talk to about my problems now. :(

The most amazing sleepover of all time.

BOO peepz. ;3

So, Luzz is here.

SHE'S TEACHING ME A LESSON RIGHT NOW.

Okay, well, a few seconds ago.

And my keyboard's annoying.

And now she's speaking English to me.

I CAN'T DO THIS.

Luzz wants a pokewar. :D

And Luzz's typing for me because she's such amazing type person thingy and she's really nice :P (Yeah, Luzz typed that and is totally bragging about herself ^^)

(Back to writing for Lin:)

And my cheeks hurt. From laughing. We're hyper :D

YAY :D 

Thunder and lightning

I love watching lightning, really. It always looks so cool. But god, how I hate thunder. So there's a thunderstorm right now and I'm freaking out. I HATE thunder, really. I remember when there was a thunderstorm for FOUR WHOLE HOURS in the town next to mine. My grandparents live there, I was so scared.
Damn, excuse my language, but it sounds like a bomb exploded near my street. I hate this. I wish there was just someone who could hold me tight now. :( I really need those arms around me. But now, who's there to hug me? No one. My mom? I don't want to hug her. My dad? He wouldn't hug me, he'd call me childish, as usual. My brother? Well, no way. There's no one else in the house. Yeah, a cat and two guinea pigs. I feel sorry for them, this is even worse for my guinea pigs than for me. They're both only 2 years old, almost 3.
And now it starts to rain. For me, it feels like the thunderstorm just came into my town. Like it was in the town next to mine all the time, until it started raining. Is that actually a fact? I wouldn't know. I'm always so scared that the lightning hits my house and that it'll burn then. I don't want my family to die, just not yet. They deserve a long life, they do. I don't.
My parents always told me that it wouldn't hit our house. And even if it would hit our house, it wouldn't start burning, nothing bad would happen. I never thought that way. 
I don't even know why I'm writing this here. It feels like I should try to keep my guinea pigs calm, or whatever. If I just had a little puppy to hug now. Yeah, I love dogs. I'm just not allowed to have one. At least not as long as we have a cat, and as long as my brother doesn't want a dog. My brother likes cats more, he only likes dogs because you can play with them. That means I can't have a dog until my brother leaves this house, and I don't think we'll even get a dog after that.

Wish me good luck in this thunderstorm?
I'll just keep myself calm with Evanescence, teehee. ;3

I feel pointless

Do you know that feeling? A friend is really in need of help, and you want to help your friend. You want the best for your friend, but you just can't help. I really don't know what to do, but support my friend. I just don't know, I really don't know. What would you do? Would you just support your friend? Let them decide themselves? Would you try to decide for your friend? I just don't know it anymore. I wish I could help out. I love helping people, but I'm just not the best when it comes to helping others out. It feels like I only make it worse. I feel pointless. It feels like a war and I'm able to stop it, but I don't, because I'm afraid. I felt the same way when the English server of goSupermodel closed down. It felt like Í could stop wAg from closing it, but I didn't do a thing. Now I know I couldn't stop them from closing it, obviously, but it does feel that way. It's an annoying feeling which I can't get away. I just don't know it anymore. D:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGKRXhmFQlw

Goth

You might think I'm a Gothic, kinda, because my blog is black and yeah.. Not colourful at all. My parents keep telling me I'm a goth because I wear black a lot and I bought Evanescence CD's and my mother saw the cover and was like; "You really are a Gothic". A cover can't even say if it's Gothic music or not. I love the word Gothic, yeah I'm weird. But honestly, I don't really think I'm Gothic. I just love black. But of course, you can think what you want. If you think I'm a goth, then may that be your opinion. I don't mind. ;)

I forgot to say,

Luzzie is coming over tomorrow. :D We're going to have a sleepover, and maybe we're going to watch the Hunger Games as well. I wanted to see the movie ever since I know about it. I'm so excited. :D She's coming tomorrow at 11:19 and I really can't wait. LUZZ, YOU BETTER PLAY MY IMMORTAL WHEN YOU'RE HERE. Okay so, I love that song. And my brother know about that song. o.O Due to soccer. o.O He's a soccer freak. A total soccer freak. OH OH OH, and I have tickets for the Evanescence concert the 5th of June. :D I totally can't wait. It's 10 days before my birthday, so I see it as a birthday gift. My dad is going with me. I'm totally excited. ^^ Amy inspired me to play the piano. ;3

I guess that's all I had to say now.

Okay, now I feel bad.

So I told my best friend's boyfriend I'd hurt him if he dared to hurt my best friend, and now I feel bad, because he told me I made him feel bad. I NEVER MEANT IT THAT WAY, OKAY? :( I'm sorry, I just was pissed and it came out and.. Oh gosh, I'm a horrible person. I'M SORRY OKAY?

My best friend's boyfriend is German, and I really want to learn German, honestly. I always get 10's with English, because I practiced English a lot. No, I didn't learn it on school, I learned it all from a game, and then I learned it from this site called goSupermodel. But now, the English server closed. :( And on the German server, they're really nice, but I can only read German. And not even properly, teehee. So I'd like to learn it. And yeah, if I'd learn German now, I could more easily get 10's in class, I bet. I don't have German yet. I'm in the first grade of the high school, and I'm getting German in the second grade. And my uncle lives in Germany, yay. So yeah, I'd like to learn German. Honestly, I'm a language freak. I love learning new languages. I don't know, it feels like I can do a lot more if I learn more languages. Yeah, I'm weird.

ONCE AGAIN, I'm SORRY okay? :( It was late in the night when I said that to you and I didn't mean it that way, now could you please forgive me and not ignore me? :(

Now, I'm going to enjoy this song, a piano version of My Immortal. I WANT A PIANO. D:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvRZFrVFYzE&feature=related

I need money

Well.. How to start? I really want to buy a piano now, teehee. I wish I just had the money for it, but really, I only have 50 euros at the moment and it's like I'm throwing out all my mom's money. She's got two jobs and has vacation right now, so she's not earning a thing. My dad has no vacation now, though, he rarely ever has vacation. I feel sorry for him. He once quited when we were having a really hard time; my mom was sick, my dad broke his feet with volleyball, and after that he didn't like working there anymore so he quited. Then he searched for another job, worked there for 5 months, got fired, searched for another job, worked there for about 8 months, got fired again, searched for another job but couldn't find another and went to work where he used to work again. That's where he works right now, but he doesn't really seem to enjoy it. In that case I've got nothing to complain with school, school's not that bad if I hear my dad's day. Long work, rarely ever vacation... He's on work right now while I'm just sitting here, doing nothing.

But I'm searching for a job, unlike my brother. He really needs a job, but he doesn't search for one and my mom's getting tired of him. I totally understand her. Sometimes she feels like my brother things that we have a moneytree, well it's not that way and even I know that. It's tiring for my mom. I've searched for kennels to work on, I've mailed 5 kennels with twice a no, and 3 kennels didn't answer me yet. I really hope I get hired on a kennel, because I really want to work on a kennel whether I get paid or not.