Feeling weak.

Right now, it just feels as if I can't do anything at all. And that everything I do, every decision I make, that it's all wrong. Like nothing in my life ever went right. I wish I could just start all over again. I would do things differently, I would try to make the best out of life. And I see it now, I never tried to get the best of it. I totally ruined it. I made myself an internet-addicted girl who doesn't have any real friends and who rarely ever comes outside. I totally screwed it all up.
Also, I cry a lot lately. I just miss Nicola so much, and I miss Loano 2 Village so freaking much. God... If I could, I'd just ask my parents if we could move away, to Italy. There's no chance we will, though. Especially not since we changed the living room a bit again. God, I just want to leave this freaking stupid country. Sorry to those who love the Netherlands, but it just feels as if I don't belong here. And if I'd move away, there wouldn't be anything I'd miss anyway. Yeah, maybe the house, that's it. Nothing more.
And it really feels as if I lost my best friend. Luzzie never talks to me anymore and I bet she doesn't read my blog anymore, too. We used to talk so much, and now it's just over. What did I do? What did I do that made you erase me from your life? Did you ever like me at all?

Crying and being tired.

Nowadays I cry a lot... When I come home, I turn on my computer, and when I open Google Chrome, it automatically starts facebook, and my eyes always reach for Nicola... Then I mostly turn on sad music, and then I just start crying, and once I start, I can't stop. It feels as if I could just cry a river, very easily. How can there still be tears left now?
Also, I'm really tired. I don't really know why, because I had vacation one week ago, so I could just sleep well and I mostly woke up at 7 AM, because I got used to that, and I didn't mind. But now, I'm just super tired and I really have to try hard to get myself up to go to the toilet and to change my clothes. When I start eating it's all fine, and after that I go upstairs to do a few more things and then at 8 AM I leave for school, and at school, the first 2 hours it's almost impossible for me to concentrate, then the 3rd hour it's already a bit better, but then at the last hour it gets really hard to concentrate again. Whether that's the 7th or 6th or 5th our, I'm just really tired at that point. It's no good, and even worse; Tomorrow, the first two hours are PE. FINE. ;-; I'm soooo dead. And the hour after that I have Music, and I actually really love singing there right now... It feels as if I can sing just the way I want: No one cares if I have talent anyway, and since everybody's singing, they won't just hear me.

Why do things always get stolen from good people?

Nicola talked to me again yesterday, I asked how is was going with him, and his answer was "I'm fine, thanks... Just a little bit stressed: I got my phone stolen and I have plenty of things to do". That explains why he didn't reply to me in the past days. xD Also that means that I can't talk to him when he's in the train. :( But seriously, why? Why him? He wouldn't harm anyone in any kind of way. And earlier this year, his motorbike got stolen. Really, leave him alone, screw those thieves. :/

Practicing old tricks.

So when I used to have circus, they learned me how to stand on my head (with help from my hands, of course). I learned how to do that pretty quick, but I never tried it on a hard ground. Two nights ago, I wondered if I could still do it, but since I was supposed to sleep, I wasn't going to try it out. The day after I tried it on my bed, and after 3 times trying, I could do it again. But not the way I learned it: I tried it the way Nicola did it on his profile picture, and that worked way better. It hurts less when I do it that way. And today, I tried it on a pillow on the ground, so I could try taking a picture. And just now, I tried it without a pillow, and now I can even do that. :D And it doesn't even hurt. :) Thank yooooouuuuu, Nicola. It looks weird, though, if I do it. xD

Crying.

Lately, I've been crying a lot. Last Monday I suddenly started crying and then I couldn't stop anymore. I believe I cried for almost 4 hours, if it wasn't almost 5 hours. And now I'm crying again. I just looked at the first conversation I had with Nicola, on the 1st of September. I remember I was sick the next Monday, I must admit I partially stayed home so I could talk to Nicola.
But looking back, I just really had to cry. Just now I saw that he really didn't forget about me, since he 1. Remembered about me, the girl who asked him for a hug 2. He remembered my brother, who asked for the picture that was made when he was on the stage 3. He remembered that I live in the Netherlands. We haven't talked for 5 days now. Actually for 7 days, but 5 days ago I asked him something and he replied to that. Yesterday and today he's been online for quite a while, but he didn't see the message I sent him. I just really miss talking to him right now.

Just had my moment.

Since I met Nicola, I listen to The Notting Hillbillies and Mark Knopfler quite often. But apparently, my parents and my brother didn't really notice, until now. My brother isn't home, so he still hasn't noticed it. But just now, my dad walked in and he went all like "Huh, shouldn't you listen to modern music? What's this? Are you even feeling well? This is music where I should be listening to, not a modern girl like you." Well, according to wikipedia, it is modern music (everything after the '90s). Yeah, that was quite funny. xD I had been waiting for this to happen since about one and a half month. xD And it finally happened, and it was just really funny. :P

Woosh~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=f8ppQ2_5WsY&feature=endscreen

So I was on a site, talking to a Polish friend of mine, and she said "I'm going to make tiramisu". It sounded really familiar to me, but I couldn't place what it was. So she send me a picture of it, and now I remember why it sounded so familiar to me.

It's a cake I ate every evening in the restaurant when I was in Loano 2 Village. It was so freaking tasty. <3 It appears that there's alcohol in it, so I'm actually not allowed to eat it, but I couldn't care less. It's just so freaking tasty, really. <3

Practicing handstands

So today, I decided I wanted to practice at least one of the things I want to do (hiphop dancing, parkour etc.). I decided it to be a handstand. So now I'm practicing to do a handstand, and really, it's already better than before. xD I have practiced for a few hours, with loooots of breaks. xD
Also it appears that I do have a friend who is interested in parkour... Maybe I can go outside and find a good park to practice parkour together. xD Yeah, for how far we can do that. I've never done it before, actually, so... xD

Yes to poking, no to talking.

Okay so right now, I'm kinda starting to get pissed. This'll also show if that person still reads this, which I don't believe anyway. I have the feeling people totally forget about me at times, well hello, I'm still here, alive and breathing. Now there's a person who apparently has got enough time to poke me on facebook, but talking? No way. So you do poke me, but you don't talk to me, eh? Well, very interesting. Very interesting. Fine, okay, you may have a social life, but at least you could tell me you're busy. Oh wait no, I'm not important enough to even know you're busy, I should just sense that you're busy because yeah, of course, I don't matter at all. Well thank you. Thanks a lot.

Wanting to practice new things.

I kinda want to practice how to do a handstand. I'm really jealous at those who can just do that, I mean of course they had to practice, but it looks just so easy when they do a handstand, while it's not that easy if you've never done it. I used to be able to stand on my head (with help of my hands, of course) for a short while, but I haven't done that for a year. I just want to be balanced again. In every single way. :/

Hiphop dancing.

Lately, I really feel like hiphop dancing. I don't really know why, but I'm really interested in it right now. I just don't know if I can do it at all. Also I kinda got interested in parkour, thanks to Nicola. I saw a few pictures, and I once saw it on TV and it kinda looked cool. x) I just can't practice it here. I know where I can practice it, because I used to know someone who lives near a park where you perfectly can train for parkour. I just have no contact with him anymore and I forgot where he lives. xD I could search it up on Hyves anyway... But then I'd still need to find that park. xD And I'd need a friend to come with me, because going alone is so boring. But well, I don't think I have any friends who'd want to come with me since there are some things I want to practice, and they probably aren't interested in that. I wish I had lots of friends who were interested in the same things. But I just don't have them because I don't do anything to get them and now I wouldn't know how to get them... I totally screwed up my life.

Amazing music and missing people.

About two months ago, I asked Nicola for music that he likes. I asked for music to relax and he gave me an album from The Notting Hillbillies. I really thought it was a timeless piece of work and it could really calm me down. If I wasn't sleepy, but I had to sleep, I'd just listen to the album and it'd calm me down, so I could just go to sleep. He also said he likes Mark Knopfler. Just now I found a song on him on youtube, because youtube recommended it. Now I must say, even though I thought I was more of the music from nowadays, I really love it. But after all, the music from nowadays starts to get crappy anyway. Like... It's fully of autotune. I'm not going to make any artists bad, let them do what they want, but some make songs with high notes, but live, they can't even reach them? Like what? You make a song you can't even sing? It could be just me, but I think that's just stupid. Some people say it's not about how the sing live, but then we could just make virtual voices because yeah, what does it matter anyway. If they can't sing live, then I can't count them as real artists, sorry to those who totally disagree with that. I just think that they're fake if they can't sing, because then they just use autotune, but then I wouldn't go to their concerts either. And then I must say, I really think that those older singers are real artists, because they can sing. Maybe their songs aren't my style, but they can sing.

Now it's that I do like Mark Knopfler's style. This song just blew my mind:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=o7GJgncybV8

I just love it. Also that song really calms me down. And now I'm thinking of it, without Nicola I wouldn't have any songs to calm me down now.

Talking about Nicola, I really miss him. I miss talking to him. Sometimes I don't talk to people for weeks on the internet, and then I still don't really miss them. Of course I want to talk to them then, but I don't miss them so freaking much. But now, I haven't talked to Nicola for about 3 days and I freaking miss him. He just makes me happy... I wish I lived close to him, or that we'd go to the same school so I could see him daily... God I don't even care, just let me be with him, even if it's just as normal friends...

Drawing.

Lately I've been drawing quite a lot. I didn't finish any of the drawings, though, but I just want to be really creative now. I don't know why, but I just love being creative...
And I miss Italy so freaking much right now. Why? Why do I keep missing Italy? Why couldn't I be born there? I just wonder if I'd still love Italy when I'm 19/20, because that's when I'm going to study, and right now I'm not so sure about it, but I'm thinking about studying in Milan... It'll all depend on if I'd still like Italy so much, and if I want to study there, and if my parents can let me go...

Falling for you...

Thanks to school I listened to Bubbly from Colbie Caillat at home, and then I saw the song "Falling for you", also from Colbie Caillat. I knew that song, but I hadn't listened to it for ages. So I started listening to it, but that was so stupid, I shouldn't have done that. Because the song is so true...

"I don't know, but I think I may be falling for you"
Yeah...
"Maybe I should keep this to myself"
Maybe it's better if you don't know it...
"Waiting 'til I know you better"
I don't know you that well..
"I'm trying not to tell you, but I want to"
I wish I could just tell you the way I feel, but I can't...
"I'm scared of what you'll say"
I'm afraid that you don't want to talk to me anymore if I told you, or that you won't like me in any kind of way anymore...
"So I'm hiding what I'm feeling"
I have no choice...
"But I'm tired of holding this inside my head"
I so am...
"I've been spending all my time just thinking about you"
I almost think 24/7 about you...
"I don't know what to do, I think I'm falling for you"
I have no idea what to do...
"I've been waiting all my life and now I found you"
I've been waiting to meet a guy like you, and now I finally found the guy...

You know, the think is, I have the feeling that he's the right guy for me, but I'm not the right girl for him... And it hurts...

Feeling tired.

I'm feeling super tired these days. Really, it's so hard to keep my eyes open. I don't even know why, because usually I'm still 'awake' with 8 hours of sleep, but now, I'm feeling super tired with 8 hours of sleep. :/ It's really weird. And the dizziness is coming back, too. It had been gone for a while, but now, every time I stand up, I feel dizzy again. It's actually really annoying. And I have a really bad headache now... I'm not feeling good at all, but I can't stay home tomorrow because I have a test for PE and for geography. And learning for geography isn't really working - everything I've tried to learn for it in the past days, is already gone. I know nothing, no matter how hard I learn. I just keep forgetting everything. Now how am I supposed to get a good grade? I'm so dead...