Let him go...

'Cause you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it’s starts to snow
Only know your love her when you’ve let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know your love her when you’ve let her go
And you let her go.

Right now, I have a little plan. But in my mind, it's already hard. And I think it'll be a thousand times harder in real life.

I'm planning to tell Nicola how I really feel about him. I actually hope that I can see him when I'm in Italy, so then we can hang out for a day. If I'm sure then, that I really love him, then I'd try to confess to him. If I confessed, and he's fine with staying friends without awkward things and all, then I know I can let him go... Even though I want him so so much... I love him enough to let him go...

I love you

For you I'd wait a thousand years, and if you wouldn't be ready then, I'd wait a thousand more. I've never felt so much for someone, really never. I love him so freaking much, but I don't want to tell him what I feel for him through internet. It just feels so heartless. In the Summer vacation, I'm going back to Italy, so maybe, if he's got time, I might see him then. But I bet I'd be too shy to tell him I love him then, and then I'd have to wait another year. I just don't know what to do anymore. ;-; I want him and nobody else...

You have to choose now.

"You have to choose now, do you care more for the guy you loved first, or the guy you love now?" Thank you, Wii 'Lucky day' thingy, for reminding me once again. -.-' Can't I just forget about what happened and move on? I love Nicola, but I can't get him anyway, so I should let him go. Maybe I'll confess once, when we're good friends and I know our friendship can't be ruined. But until then, I'll just be patiently waiting, right here. Even though I don't want to wait... I'm only 14, so...
It would be kinda funny, though. It would be a wonderful story. If I'd like, marry Nicola in the end, and we'd get a kid, and he/she would ask when we fell in love, I could just say "I feel in love with your dad when I was only 14 years old. At first I was only a bit interested in him. He was dancing very funny on the stage, and he seemed really friendly. The last day that I was in Loano 2, I asked him for a hug. I just had to, and since then I was very sad because I couldn't see him. Every time I talked to him on Facebook, I just got so happy and I wanted to be able to hug him every single day. I wanted him and only him, and in the end, I got him".
I want to be able to say that. I want to be able to say that I knew he were the one for me, I want to prove myself wrong, that he does care about me, and that he does love me...

So pissed off right now.

Some people really know how to get me freaking pissed. -.- I didn't want to have to do this, but it's his own freaking fault. I guess people really start to hate me these days. That one says I'm not good enough, the other one just has no contact with me anymore, and then there's one that only ruins your mood. And then, there's only one left, who isn't home at the moment and who probably won't be online until after new year.

Reminds me, Merry Christmas and a happy new year everybody. Best wishes for 2013.

I decided I'm going to learn Italian. Not with paid things, though, so I have my doubts if it'll work out right. xD Also, I'm on this site - Penpal-Gate - where I'm trying to get contact with Italian people, to see if I can make any friends, and then maybe some of them can help me. :) I already found one girl who is willing to help, and I'm talking to another girl right now. ^.^

I want to stop ruining my life.

I've totally ruined my life, and now I don't know what to do anymore. I don't have friends who live nearby and sometimes, I'm a total bitch. The only thing I do outside of my house and outside of my school, well, that are my voice lessons. Every day is the same, except for Mondays: school - (voice lessons -) computer - bed - school - (voice lessons -) computer - bed etc. It makes me sad, but I can't blame anyone, I'm the one who ruined my own life and now I just don't know how to get it better.
I think my computer won't work for so much longer anymore. When I turn it on, it doesn't work properly, so then I have to turn it off and then back on again, and I have to do that for about 5 times till it works... And as soon as it doesn't work anymore, I don't want it to get repaired, I'll just have to live without a computer for a few weeks then... And after that, I might buy a laptop. I just don't have a choice, besides, my parents wouldn't pay for it anyway.
I just want to be able to look in the mirror and say "I'm proud of myself", and that I actually mean it. But when I look at myself in the mirror, I only think about how I neglect myself, and how I ruin my life by being behind the computer almost 24/7 and how I have no real friends, who also live close to me, where I can go to when I'm down.
I just don't know what to do anymore.

Nervous for tomorrow.

So, tomorrow I'll be going to my grandparents. The last time I was there, was one year ago, I believe. They sent us a letter, because... Once, on my birthday, no one showed up because they had 'something better to do', something that didn't make sense at all. So my mom got pissed, and ever since then she never went to her parents anymore, because she was that pissed off. My brother and I still went to parties, but now it appears that my grandma kinda talked about me behind my back. She always asked my brother why I barely ever talked. Well, how the heck can my brother know that? Why can't you freaking ask me? I'm standing RIGHT HERE, so why go to my brother, while /I/ am the one you should go to? THAT pisses me off. :/ I'm the one who doesn't talk, and I know better why than my brother.

Feeling horrible.

I'm feeling really terrible right now. It's like everything is against me... It's not really going great in school, and since Monday I feel really sick. I have a sore throat, a stomach ache, a cold and my back hurts, too. Guess my body doesn't really like me. But I guess no one can see that I really feel bad. :/
And I keep thinking about Loano2, I really can't wait for the Summer vacation right now, like, I wanna go there so badly right now. :c

Feeling terrible.

Right now, I'm feeling really terrible. I just don't know why. This morning I woke up at 7 as usual, but I was so tired that I lay on my bad for 20 minutes, doing nothing special. I always leave at 8 and I mostly make a bit homework after I had breakfast. And today, I had only 10 minutes to finish my homework. It's that I had finished pretty much everything. :/ But anyway, this morning I felt just fine. Nothing was wrong, only that I really didn't feel like standing up to go to school. And the entire day, I didn't feel bad. Until about 2 hours ago, I suddenly started to feel really bad and I don't know why. And I don't mean physically, physically I'm feeling just fine. But mentally, I feel terrible. :S I wanna know why, but well...
And I really want to take dance lessons again. Not modern dance again, I want to do HipHop, and I found a dance studio about 10 minutes away from here, so I could actually dance there. I'd be in the group from 15 - 18 if I'd join next year. But it seems really cool to me. I'm just... I don't know how to ask my parents... This year, I wanted to join piano class, but now I figured out that I just love playing the piano, but I don't like the lessons. And now, my mom took over the lessons. And obviously, with dancing my mom wouldn't take the lessons over. I probably said this before, but it really starts to bother me now. :/

Happy happy me.

So, I didn't update my blog in a few weeks, while there happened a few things. For example, yeah: I'm going back to Loano2 for 2 weeks in the Summer vacation. <3 Totally can't wait, so exacted to go there.
But the bad news is, LOVE IS DAMN COMPLICATED. Yes it is. I totally don't know it anymore. I mean, I know I'm in love with Nicola. Yesterday I watched this hypnosis thingy, and it really was a trick, in the end the person did that scary face thingy with the screaming voice. I totally freaked out, but I was on my phone so then I saw Nicola's face and then I calmed down straight away. ^.^ But the thing is, there might be another guy I'm in love with. I just don't know it right now. ;-;
And it's all going quite good in school right now. Only 4 more weeks and then: VACATIOOOON~. I really can't wait already. I need it. xD

Zero friends left.

It really feels as if I have no friends at all right now. Loes and Luzzie never talk to me anymore, Dennis never talks to me anymore too (He's barely ever online o.O) and Nicola... Well I don't know, it's just.. His phone is stolen and he's not going to buy a new one anytime soon, because he doesn't have the money for it. And since he's not online everyday, the distance between us... It feels like it's growing and it's so freaking annoying. I don't want to lose him. D:
I just want to start all over again, but obviously, I can't. I totally screwed up my life and now I can't get it back, I can't make my life the way I want it to be anymore. :( God damn it, I hate myself right now. Why did I screw up my life? It's just so stupid.
I just want to move away, to a total different country, and then start all over again there, with my family. Well, with my parents and with my brother, not with the rest of my family. But of course, my brother is going to school in Tilburg, and he likes it quite much. Also, my parents don't want to move. I didn't ask them, but I'm sure they don't want to move. After all, we're not rich, so yeah. But moving to a different country is pretty impossible anyway. My dad is good at languages, and my brother is kinda good at languages too, and same with me, but my mom... Really, she's terrible. She only knows a few words in English, she doesn't speak German, she doesn't speak French, actually, the only language she really speaks is Dutch. My dad speaks French, German, English, Dutch and he knows a few words in Italian. My brother speaks English, Dutch, a bit German and he knows a few French words. I speak Dutch, English, a little bit German (I can understand people, I can read things, but I won't understand every single word and I can't really speak it myself) and a little bit French (I can understand quite a few things, but I don't speak it too good). But if I'm willing to learn a new language, then I'd give it my all. And if I'd give it my all, then I could learn it easily. It'd take time, but I can learn it pretty fast if I just want it.
But my mom wouldn't want to move to a different country anyway... Guess I just have to wait... Just 4 more years of school here, and then I can decide myself whether I'm staying in the Netherlands or not.
It's not really that I don't like this house, because I do. I just don't like my town, I don't like my country at all... I just don't feel right here. :/

Feeling weak.

Right now, it just feels as if I can't do anything at all. And that everything I do, every decision I make, that it's all wrong. Like nothing in my life ever went right. I wish I could just start all over again. I would do things differently, I would try to make the best out of life. And I see it now, I never tried to get the best of it. I totally ruined it. I made myself an internet-addicted girl who doesn't have any real friends and who rarely ever comes outside. I totally screwed it all up.
Also, I cry a lot lately. I just miss Nicola so much, and I miss Loano 2 Village so freaking much. God... If I could, I'd just ask my parents if we could move away, to Italy. There's no chance we will, though. Especially not since we changed the living room a bit again. God, I just want to leave this freaking stupid country. Sorry to those who love the Netherlands, but it just feels as if I don't belong here. And if I'd move away, there wouldn't be anything I'd miss anyway. Yeah, maybe the house, that's it. Nothing more.
And it really feels as if I lost my best friend. Luzzie never talks to me anymore and I bet she doesn't read my blog anymore, too. We used to talk so much, and now it's just over. What did I do? What did I do that made you erase me from your life? Did you ever like me at all?

Crying and being tired.

Nowadays I cry a lot... When I come home, I turn on my computer, and when I open Google Chrome, it automatically starts facebook, and my eyes always reach for Nicola... Then I mostly turn on sad music, and then I just start crying, and once I start, I can't stop. It feels as if I could just cry a river, very easily. How can there still be tears left now?
Also, I'm really tired. I don't really know why, because I had vacation one week ago, so I could just sleep well and I mostly woke up at 7 AM, because I got used to that, and I didn't mind. But now, I'm just super tired and I really have to try hard to get myself up to go to the toilet and to change my clothes. When I start eating it's all fine, and after that I go upstairs to do a few more things and then at 8 AM I leave for school, and at school, the first 2 hours it's almost impossible for me to concentrate, then the 3rd hour it's already a bit better, but then at the last hour it gets really hard to concentrate again. Whether that's the 7th or 6th or 5th our, I'm just really tired at that point. It's no good, and even worse; Tomorrow, the first two hours are PE. FINE. ;-; I'm soooo dead. And the hour after that I have Music, and I actually really love singing there right now... It feels as if I can sing just the way I want: No one cares if I have talent anyway, and since everybody's singing, they won't just hear me.

Why do things always get stolen from good people?

Nicola talked to me again yesterday, I asked how is was going with him, and his answer was "I'm fine, thanks... Just a little bit stressed: I got my phone stolen and I have plenty of things to do". That explains why he didn't reply to me in the past days. xD Also that means that I can't talk to him when he's in the train. :( But seriously, why? Why him? He wouldn't harm anyone in any kind of way. And earlier this year, his motorbike got stolen. Really, leave him alone, screw those thieves. :/

Practicing old tricks.

So when I used to have circus, they learned me how to stand on my head (with help from my hands, of course). I learned how to do that pretty quick, but I never tried it on a hard ground. Two nights ago, I wondered if I could still do it, but since I was supposed to sleep, I wasn't going to try it out. The day after I tried it on my bed, and after 3 times trying, I could do it again. But not the way I learned it: I tried it the way Nicola did it on his profile picture, and that worked way better. It hurts less when I do it that way. And today, I tried it on a pillow on the ground, so I could try taking a picture. And just now, I tried it without a pillow, and now I can even do that. :D And it doesn't even hurt. :) Thank yooooouuuuu, Nicola. It looks weird, though, if I do it. xD

Crying.

Lately, I've been crying a lot. Last Monday I suddenly started crying and then I couldn't stop anymore. I believe I cried for almost 4 hours, if it wasn't almost 5 hours. And now I'm crying again. I just looked at the first conversation I had with Nicola, on the 1st of September. I remember I was sick the next Monday, I must admit I partially stayed home so I could talk to Nicola.
But looking back, I just really had to cry. Just now I saw that he really didn't forget about me, since he 1. Remembered about me, the girl who asked him for a hug 2. He remembered my brother, who asked for the picture that was made when he was on the stage 3. He remembered that I live in the Netherlands. We haven't talked for 5 days now. Actually for 7 days, but 5 days ago I asked him something and he replied to that. Yesterday and today he's been online for quite a while, but he didn't see the message I sent him. I just really miss talking to him right now.

Just had my moment.

Since I met Nicola, I listen to The Notting Hillbillies and Mark Knopfler quite often. But apparently, my parents and my brother didn't really notice, until now. My brother isn't home, so he still hasn't noticed it. But just now, my dad walked in and he went all like "Huh, shouldn't you listen to modern music? What's this? Are you even feeling well? This is music where I should be listening to, not a modern girl like you." Well, according to wikipedia, it is modern music (everything after the '90s). Yeah, that was quite funny. xD I had been waiting for this to happen since about one and a half month. xD And it finally happened, and it was just really funny. :P

Woosh~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=f8ppQ2_5WsY&feature=endscreen

So I was on a site, talking to a Polish friend of mine, and she said "I'm going to make tiramisu". It sounded really familiar to me, but I couldn't place what it was. So she send me a picture of it, and now I remember why it sounded so familiar to me.

It's a cake I ate every evening in the restaurant when I was in Loano 2 Village. It was so freaking tasty. <3 It appears that there's alcohol in it, so I'm actually not allowed to eat it, but I couldn't care less. It's just so freaking tasty, really. <3

Practicing handstands

So today, I decided I wanted to practice at least one of the things I want to do (hiphop dancing, parkour etc.). I decided it to be a handstand. So now I'm practicing to do a handstand, and really, it's already better than before. xD I have practiced for a few hours, with loooots of breaks. xD
Also it appears that I do have a friend who is interested in parkour... Maybe I can go outside and find a good park to practice parkour together. xD Yeah, for how far we can do that. I've never done it before, actually, so... xD

Yes to poking, no to talking.

Okay so right now, I'm kinda starting to get pissed. This'll also show if that person still reads this, which I don't believe anyway. I have the feeling people totally forget about me at times, well hello, I'm still here, alive and breathing. Now there's a person who apparently has got enough time to poke me on facebook, but talking? No way. So you do poke me, but you don't talk to me, eh? Well, very interesting. Very interesting. Fine, okay, you may have a social life, but at least you could tell me you're busy. Oh wait no, I'm not important enough to even know you're busy, I should just sense that you're busy because yeah, of course, I don't matter at all. Well thank you. Thanks a lot.

Wanting to practice new things.

I kinda want to practice how to do a handstand. I'm really jealous at those who can just do that, I mean of course they had to practice, but it looks just so easy when they do a handstand, while it's not that easy if you've never done it. I used to be able to stand on my head (with help of my hands, of course) for a short while, but I haven't done that for a year. I just want to be balanced again. In every single way. :/

Hiphop dancing.

Lately, I really feel like hiphop dancing. I don't really know why, but I'm really interested in it right now. I just don't know if I can do it at all. Also I kinda got interested in parkour, thanks to Nicola. I saw a few pictures, and I once saw it on TV and it kinda looked cool. x) I just can't practice it here. I know where I can practice it, because I used to know someone who lives near a park where you perfectly can train for parkour. I just have no contact with him anymore and I forgot where he lives. xD I could search it up on Hyves anyway... But then I'd still need to find that park. xD And I'd need a friend to come with me, because going alone is so boring. But well, I don't think I have any friends who'd want to come with me since there are some things I want to practice, and they probably aren't interested in that. I wish I had lots of friends who were interested in the same things. But I just don't have them because I don't do anything to get them and now I wouldn't know how to get them... I totally screwed up my life.

Amazing music and missing people.

About two months ago, I asked Nicola for music that he likes. I asked for music to relax and he gave me an album from The Notting Hillbillies. I really thought it was a timeless piece of work and it could really calm me down. If I wasn't sleepy, but I had to sleep, I'd just listen to the album and it'd calm me down, so I could just go to sleep. He also said he likes Mark Knopfler. Just now I found a song on him on youtube, because youtube recommended it. Now I must say, even though I thought I was more of the music from nowadays, I really love it. But after all, the music from nowadays starts to get crappy anyway. Like... It's fully of autotune. I'm not going to make any artists bad, let them do what they want, but some make songs with high notes, but live, they can't even reach them? Like what? You make a song you can't even sing? It could be just me, but I think that's just stupid. Some people say it's not about how the sing live, but then we could just make virtual voices because yeah, what does it matter anyway. If they can't sing live, then I can't count them as real artists, sorry to those who totally disagree with that. I just think that they're fake if they can't sing, because then they just use autotune, but then I wouldn't go to their concerts either. And then I must say, I really think that those older singers are real artists, because they can sing. Maybe their songs aren't my style, but they can sing.

Now it's that I do like Mark Knopfler's style. This song just blew my mind:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=o7GJgncybV8

I just love it. Also that song really calms me down. And now I'm thinking of it, without Nicola I wouldn't have any songs to calm me down now.

Talking about Nicola, I really miss him. I miss talking to him. Sometimes I don't talk to people for weeks on the internet, and then I still don't really miss them. Of course I want to talk to them then, but I don't miss them so freaking much. But now, I haven't talked to Nicola for about 3 days and I freaking miss him. He just makes me happy... I wish I lived close to him, or that we'd go to the same school so I could see him daily... God I don't even care, just let me be with him, even if it's just as normal friends...

Drawing.

Lately I've been drawing quite a lot. I didn't finish any of the drawings, though, but I just want to be really creative now. I don't know why, but I just love being creative...
And I miss Italy so freaking much right now. Why? Why do I keep missing Italy? Why couldn't I be born there? I just wonder if I'd still love Italy when I'm 19/20, because that's when I'm going to study, and right now I'm not so sure about it, but I'm thinking about studying in Milan... It'll all depend on if I'd still like Italy so much, and if I want to study there, and if my parents can let me go...

Falling for you...

Thanks to school I listened to Bubbly from Colbie Caillat at home, and then I saw the song "Falling for you", also from Colbie Caillat. I knew that song, but I hadn't listened to it for ages. So I started listening to it, but that was so stupid, I shouldn't have done that. Because the song is so true...

"I don't know, but I think I may be falling for you"
Yeah...
"Maybe I should keep this to myself"
Maybe it's better if you don't know it...
"Waiting 'til I know you better"
I don't know you that well..
"I'm trying not to tell you, but I want to"
I wish I could just tell you the way I feel, but I can't...
"I'm scared of what you'll say"
I'm afraid that you don't want to talk to me anymore if I told you, or that you won't like me in any kind of way anymore...
"So I'm hiding what I'm feeling"
I have no choice...
"But I'm tired of holding this inside my head"
I so am...
"I've been spending all my time just thinking about you"
I almost think 24/7 about you...
"I don't know what to do, I think I'm falling for you"
I have no idea what to do...
"I've been waiting all my life and now I found you"
I've been waiting to meet a guy like you, and now I finally found the guy...

You know, the think is, I have the feeling that he's the right guy for me, but I'm not the right girl for him... And it hurts...

Feeling tired.

I'm feeling super tired these days. Really, it's so hard to keep my eyes open. I don't even know why, because usually I'm still 'awake' with 8 hours of sleep, but now, I'm feeling super tired with 8 hours of sleep. :/ It's really weird. And the dizziness is coming back, too. It had been gone for a while, but now, every time I stand up, I feel dizzy again. It's actually really annoying. And I have a really bad headache now... I'm not feeling good at all, but I can't stay home tomorrow because I have a test for PE and for geography. And learning for geography isn't really working - everything I've tried to learn for it in the past days, is already gone. I know nothing, no matter how hard I learn. I just keep forgetting everything. Now how am I supposed to get a good grade? I'm so dead...

Nice and handsome.

I just realized, I've never met a guy who's handsome AND nice. Not really until this Summer. Because my brother's new friend Nick, who we met in Loano 2, is quite handsome and he's nice. Also, Nicola is handsome and very nice.
That reminds me... Somewhere, I don't remember where exactly, I saw a picture with on there "The more I think of him, the more I fall in love with him". It's so true. :/ The more I think about Nicola, the more I love him. He's just amazing.. ;-;
And, I have a digital piano now. ^.^
Or have I said that before? o.O I'm soooo confused, my brain isn't really working properly...

Feeling lonely.

I'm really feeling lonely lately. In the weekend, there's nothing to do and I don't feel like asking a friend to come over. It feels like they're all busy anyway. Also on facebook no one replies to me these days. And I actually only have 3 real-life friends, and they all live far away. 30 minutes, 1 hour and 13 hours. I just feel totally forgotten and I don't feel like trying to get any more friends now. :/
And I've been thinking a bit... I'm not really active. I only have voice-lessons, that's it. Yeah, my mom took over the piano lessons. I like playing the piano, but I don't like the lessons. So I decided that if we're getting a digital piano, I'll definitively practice, but if not then that's okay, then I'm just not going to play the piano. But then again, it's not really something 'active', it's not a sport. Yet I'm interested in quite a lot things; Snowboarding, basketball, jazz dance, hiphop dance and kinda parkour as well... I'm thinking about doing hiphop dance next year, but I'm kinda afraid of asking my parents right now and I'm not sure if it's something for me... If it's something I like...

Working at Loano 2.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how it would be if I'd work in Loano 2 Village. It honestly seems really awesome to me, the only negative thing I'd find, not counting that I don't speak Italian with that, is that I'd only have about 5 hours of sleep and on Saturdays I'd have free time in afternoon, which I'd probably use to sleep, too. But it's really the only negative thing I can think of. Just now I asked Nicola what the positive and negative things are from working there. I don't know if it actually was handy to ask him, because two days ago I asked him if he'd work at Loano 2 again next year if he could, and he said "If next year would be the same as this year, then absolutely yes.", he really liked the job, so yeah.... That'll be more positive things than negative things. xD Which is positive, it's just that... If I'd get the chance to work there, I don't want to be too excited just in case things won't be as fun as I thought or hoped.
And I've been thinking about it. I'll be 19 after my exams. If I won't fail them, then my longest vacation ever will start when I'm 19 and I'll become 20 in that vacation. Now that vacation, if nothing will change, will be 3 months long. I think I want to study in Italy. 3 months long means I could eventually work there in the first month of my vacation. then after that I'd still have 2 months vacation, and maybe I could work there even longer. But also then I have about 5 years to learn Italian. xD Haha, how'd I do that? I could try it with LOI kids, of course that costs money, though. If it costs about 500 euros I could easily pay that if my parents would help me a bit. xD I have about 300 euros so if they'd give me 200 euros... xD Not that they'll do that. :/ Would 5 years be enough to learn fluent Italian?

Crying.

Lately, I haven't cried a lot. But when I cried, it was either about Loano 2 or Nicola, and when I cried, I cried hard. As in, really hard. And now again. I just wanted to check Nicola's pictures, again... And I was listening to "Trying not to love you" from Nickelback, and then I suddenly started crying. I kinda have the feeling that I'm trying not to love Nicola... I know he'll never love me anyway, I barely expect him to even like me a little bit as a friend... I wish I was Loano 2 right now, and that I had met Nicola last year or something, and that he'd be there now. Then I'd come to him, even if anyone could see now that I've cried, and then I'd just ask him what he thinks about me. I'd ask him if he sees me as a friend. And if he would be a real friend, I'm sure he'd ask me what's wrong, since my face shows I just cried - I'm actually still crying - and this may sound weird, but I'd actually get happy if he'd ask me what's wrong. Facebook isn't loading for me right now, though, and I don't really feel like bothering Nicola now... Besides, he doesn't know me THAT well. And I've got my doubts, should I really ask him what he thinks of me? It's the only way to figure it out, right? Or is there another way? I don't know it anymore. All I know is that all I can do now is crying and all I want to do now is to hug Nicola. I just wish I could come over in the Winter or something, so we could go snowboarding. No, I've never done that before, but it seems really interesting to me and Nicola told me he liked snowboarding, so he could teach me, I guess. :P I just wish I could see him right now... Even if it would be through a webcam, I don't care, I just want to see him. :(

Being there for you.

For as long as I remember I've never had a friend who'd be there for me. Not until I met Luzzie and Loes, they were the first people I let in and they still are the only ones who are there for me - okay, yeah, Nicola is also there for me x) Just that my brother really makes me doubt... He's all like "You're just Internet friends, who says it's a real friend? You'd say way different things on Internet than in real life". It's true, but if people can like me for who I am, even when I'm sad and negative on Internet, and if they also like me when I'm happy on Internet, then they'll surely like me in real life. Because I'm way happier in real life. Not that I'm hiding my emotions. Not anymore... Okay, still from time to time I just fake a smile, but it's not like I do that 24/7, which I first did... But, since Nicola is super nice and he looks so happy, I'm sure that he could like me (as a friend...) in real life. The only way to find out is to actually talk to him in real life, right? x) I'll have to wait for a year... Maybe a few years... Who knows... Aaaanyway, so Luzzie and Loes were the first ones who were always there for me, now I want to be there for them. I'm really awkward with that kind of things, but still, if someone helps me, then I'll help them, too.

And I keep dreaming about Loano 2, and at day, when I'm bored, I just daydream about working at Loano 2... It just seems so fun to me. My so called friend (or pretty much my school friend) was like "Hah, you working with kids, I'd like to see that". I get where she got that from. x) I don't really talk to little kids... I'm most likely afraid I'll say something wrong or anything weird like that. xD But I can't really work with kids in Loano 2 just yet, I don't speak Italian. xD I do speak a little bit German and French, but not good enough for a conversation. :P Yeah, I really want to learn those languages and I really want to work at Loano 2... At least, that's what I want now. So I'll have to work hard, especially for German, French and English. And Dutch is just an extra. :P Italian will come later. ^.^ My brother also needs to learn Italian, so I could ask him if it's a hard language, and maybe Nicola could help me with learning it. ^.^

I'm 100% sure now.

So, I wasn't 100% sure if I really missed Loano 2 because I loved that place, or if it was because I regret not talking to Nicola. At first I just was sure that it was Loano 2, but my parents made me doubt. But now I'm just 100% sure that it was Loano 2, and not Nicola. Nicola is super nice and sweet and a really great friend (at least, I do see him as a friend, I don't know if he sees me as a friend...) and I still love him, but I miss Loano 2 like hell. :S I would do anything to go back there, really anything... I miss it so freaking much. D:

Feeling tired.

Lately, I always wake up around 2 AM. Sometimes I just turn my alarm on on my phone, at other times I really wake up out of nowhere... Now I didn't have that, and now I'm feeling super tired. xD I actually slept quite good, but yet I'm yawning like... 5 times a minute, if it's not more. xD God. ;-;
And I miss Nicola. D: I mean, I still talk to him on facebook, and yesterday I said "Hey" and he answered "Hi :D" and the smiley just made me super happy and that he replied also made me super happy, because most people I know wouldn't answer me if I'd say "Hey", but Nicola did AND he added a smiley. :D And then I was like "How are you?" and he was like, "I'm fine, thanks :D And you?" and yayay he also asked me how it's going - yeah, not a lot people actually care about that, so... WHY THE HECK IS NICOLA SO NICE? D: Why was I so shy, why didn't I just step forward and start talking to Nicola? WHY? WHY THE FREAKING HECK? :( I could slap myself now for not trying to get a conversation with him when I could... But somehow I just know I'll see him again sometime. I don't know where or when, but I just know that I'll see him... Maybe next year, IF we're going back to Loano 2, even if he doesn't work there anymore. I could just arrange things then.
And my parents got really mad at me. I don't think I said anything about it here, but when I was in school I felt sick, so I texted my mom and she was like "Just try, only two more hours to go" and when I came home she was all like "Did you just want to go home because you didn't make your homework?" and later my dad came in my room and he was like "Shut down your computer and go make your homework, and if you don't have any homework then you go learn. I'm so sick of this now". :/ And also my mom said that we're not going on vacation AT ALL if this continues. So now I just gotta make all my homework and go to school without being sick till around February, because in December/January we most likely decide if we're going on vacation and then in January/February we book for vacation. Now it feels like I'm the one who's going to decide whether we're going on vacation or not, and I will decide that by making my homework and going to school each and every single day. Guess there's no choice then, but I want something back for that. I want Loano 2 back.

He's nearby.

Last Sunday I managed to get a short conversation with Nicola again, I said something in the morning and I got a reply when I was at Lucia's house (oh yeah, I forgot to say, Saturday I went to the beach and Sunday I went to Lucia ;) ) and then when I came back home, I replied to him and he replied around 9 PM, and at 10 PM we stopped talking. And then yesterday I said something, but he didn't reply. :( But I knew that today, his school would start, so I didn't really expect him to reply... And just one hour before I came home, he replied to me, saying "I'm quite near you, right now, I'm in Belgium :D" So yaaay, he's in Belgium. c: He also told me the city he's in - I just don't feel like saying that here - and it's only around 2 hours away from me. ;o So I'd actually want to ask my mom if she can ride me there, but the problem is;
1. He's probably there for school, so I don't think he's got that much free time.
2. My mom is working, and going now hasn't really got a point, because I'd come there around 5 PM, lol. xD
3. My mom wouldn't ride me there anyway... Not even if she'd know the actual reason.
4. I don't exactly know where he is, I only know the country and the city. But still, not exactly. ;)
5. I don't know how long he'll be there.

But well, if he'd stay there for like, 3 months or something, and he'd have some time, or Autumn break, then I could maybe ask him if I could come over since it's not that far of a ride... Okay, yes it's quite far away, but not as far away as Italy. xD But I'd do that for him. ^.^ I'd prove my brother that he IS a real friend, and not an Internet friend. x)

And, it's 9/11. Only 11 years ago, America got attacked... R.I.P. to the 3000 people that have died.

Weird dreams.

Lately I've had really weird dreams. I mean, when I tell my brother about my dreams, he's like "You told me my dream was weird, but your dreams are just insane". I'm never going to tell him about my last dream, though. It was really weird... I was chatting with someone, I rather say no names, but then I said something, and the person said "I love you. Will you marry me?" Then I replied "What... I'm just 14." And the person answered "It's fine. But if you don't want to marry me, that's okay. But I'll keep loving you. Forever." The weirdest part was actually... The person who said it to me. It keeps flashing back... It's never going to be real, though. That person will never love me... Never... No matter what.
And my brother woke me up this morning. Ugh... He had to wake up at 6 AM so he had one hour to get ready and then go to the bus station so he'd be in school on time. But he really didn't TRY to let me be able to sleep. :/ He already told me he was going to get me back... But hey, he had 3 months vacation, I HAD to be silent when I had to go to school, and then now I have one day free when he doesn't, and then it's just fine to wake me up? Seriously?
And I tested my phone. I turned the alarm clock on, first I just tested if it could maybe wake me up, then I set it on 2 AM, and now each night my phone will wake me up at 2 AM. It's because I want that. I want to wake up around 2 AM. I can't explain why, though...

Even though there's more to say, I'm going to stop writing now. My right eye is being weird, I can't see anything sharp with it, so... That's no good, I guess.

Coming back for you.

I really miss Italy so much, it's almost 24/7 on my mind, and it makes it so hard to concentrate on homework or on school at all. :/ I just had dinner, and my mom was like, "Well, then we'll keep the map from Loano 2" and then my brother said something, I didn't hear what, but then my mom was like "We're going to another hotel they're building there" in a sarcastic way. So I was like "What?" and my mom was like "Just kidding. But that boy really won't be there next year". Well, whatever. I can talk to him now, so... After all, I miss Loano 2 for Loano 2, and not only for Nicola. I'm really getting sick of it. :/

Knowing how it feels to be homesick.

I miss Italy so much... And I just realized something. I've never missed a place this much. That's not the only thing. I've never really felt home in the Netherlands. Even worse, I never felt home in my own home.. But in Italy, in Loano... I felt home.. For the very first time I actually felt amazing and it felt like I could do anything, I just didn't realize it until the last 2 days. The last time I cried this hard, was when we had to leave Italy. Before that, I've only cried this hard once. In 2006. So in my entire life, I've only cried this hard 3 times. One of my friends once came over. For the first time we'd have a sleepover at my house. But she was homesick and in the middle of the night, my mom brought her home. I never understood "being homesick". I thought I'd never know how it feels to be homesick, because when I stayed at someone else's place... Fine, maybe I didn't feel home, but I didn't miss my own home or anything. But now I understand how it feels to be homesick.

In a dictionary, they explain the word as "Longing to return home", and with home they either mean your house, or your birthplace. I don't have any connections to Italy, I wasn't born there, I never lived there, I've only been there 3 times by now. The first two times I didn't feel right there. All I could think the first time was "I hope there are no bears around here". I also got a black eye that year. The second year wasn't really special, either. But this year was just amazing.. Now I miss Italy so much. I keep crying so hard.. It's giving me a headache, RIGHT when it was over... I think this is how it feels to be homesick...

Being sick and falling in love.

So today, I'm staying home because I'm sick. I already feel better then a few hours ago, but I still don't feel too good... But I've got some friends to cheer me up. ^.^ My school friend hasn't forgotten about me - when she came in school she texted me, after the first lesson she texted me, after the second lesson she texted me and in the first break she texted me twice, saying "I hope you get better soon!". And then I've got Nicola. Yes, I count him as a friend right now. ^.^ I thought he was nice, and I was right. He's super nice and super friendly and quite easy to talk to. ^.^ I just wonder what he thinks of me.. It really feels like I'm bothering him, which I don't want, of course.. I just really want to talk to him because he's so nice. I've talked to him yesterday, and that went quite well. ^.^ Now this morning around 8 AM I sent him something on Facebook and now we're talking again. He really is nice. I just hope he thinks the same way about me, that he sees me as a friend... But, there's a little problem. I thought he was nice, even before I actually talked to him, and now he ends up to be super nice, just like I thought. Now I really think I fell in love with him. But he's 5 years older than me AND he lives THIRTEEN hours away from me. D: But, the positive thing is, I think he would tell me if I'd annoy him or if he wouldn't have time to talk. ^.^ I already said, this morning; "I'm really sorry if I'm bothering you. ;o" and he answered "You are not, really ;)" It feels good to have a new friend, though... But... Why must he live so far away? D:

He answered! ;o

Right when I gave up, Nicola replied to me on FaceBook. I thought he wouldn't reply. First I mailed him on Gmail, later I decided to mail him on FaceBook, cause I can see when he's been on FaceBook, and I can't see when he read my mail on Gmail. And about 3 hours ago, he replied to me. I really totally gave up on it, and then I came home, on my phone it said that someone from Loano 2 Village invited me to an event, and usually it'll say when I got a new mail on Gmail and when someone mailed me something on FaceBook, but it didn't say so now. Then I went on FaceBook and I saw I had a message, and I was like, "Oh, Luzzie probably said something to me. Or maybe it'll show the last message Loes sent me yesterday night". But no, it wasn't Loes or Luzzie, IT WAS NICOLA. ;o
I was so happy I had to cry. Now my head hurts, but still, I'm so super happy right now. I don't know if I should reply.
This is what I sent him;

• • Hey, I'm that girl with the tall brother and I asked you for a hug. I was wondering if you'd like to talk to me? I actually wanted to talk to you when I was in Loano 2 Village, but I was too shy. And my brother won the soccer competition and he asked you for the picture that was made with his team. Greetings, Linda

I explained who I am since I know he'll meet many more people in Loano 2 Village.
This is what he replied;
I remember of you and the request of your brother... To reply you: yes, I'd like to talk to you, but, unfortunately, I didn't have the time to reply you in the past weeks because of the full time job  Today it's my last day and I have a little minute before the café game...
With the picture I'm sorry, but I can't help you because Graziana says they are for sponsor-use only  Best wishes, Nicola

SMILEYS c:

I'm just so happy right now. ^.^

Thank you so much for replyiiing, even though I know he won't read this. xD

Laughing all the time.

Lately, I'm laughing about stuff, even when it isn't funny. x) It's really... Weird... Yeah, weird. And just now, I saw a picture AND I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING. xD
So, for those who don't remember who Nicola, the Italian boy I think I love, is, this is the picture with me and him;

And here, you should look at his face;

And if you can't see it too good, here's the link;

http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/472190_4133276824669_1634016435_o.jpg

LOL I can't stop laughing now. xD I don't think many people think it's that funny, though. :c BUT STILL. x)

Sweet goodbyes.

So this weekend, I searched up for All My Life from Krezip, because I really wanted to sing it in school, but my music teacher said it's too high for our class, probably. So I searched it up, because I wasn't sure how high it was, so yeah. I can't reach all notes, lol, but oh well, it's still fun to sing. ^^ But then I saw I Would Stay, from Krezip, so I clicked on it and started to sing along. Then I saw Sweet Goodbyes. About two years ago, I sung it together with my friend. The low notes were hard to get right for me back then, so were the high notes, but now I can reach 'em all. ^^ The song got me in tears just now, though. I mean, I did sing along - nobody's upstairs, no one will hear me, so why should I care? And I just got this new Italian friend on FB - yeah, I'm trying to add all the guys from the animation team from Loano 2 Village. It appears that 2 of them (Nicola and Rosario) 'recognized' me. lol, Okay, I think Nicola just knew it because my profile picture is the picture with him. xD And Rosario... I don't know... Maybe he just knew it because of that picture, too? But anyway, I tagged him about 2 hours ago in my picture, because he accepted my friend request. And when I was in the middle of the song Sweet Goodbyes, he liked the picture. It kinda got a smile on my face. Like, I'm not totally forgotten. I'm not totally friendless, he liked the picture. xD And have I said it yet, about Nicola? Well, I have two pictures with him, I tagged him on one. Then later, I tagged him on the other picture, too, with in the description; "He seemed nice. ^.^" and one of his friends liked the picture. xD Oh well... I just hope we can go back there next year...

Never ending story.

We're part of the story, part of the tale. We're all on this journey. No one is to stay. Where ever it's going, what is the way? We're part of the story, part of the tale. Sometimes beautiful, sometimes insane. No one remembers how it began.

I love that song. *-* It's pretty true. No one is to stay; Everything and everyone will die at a point. Sometimes it's beautiful, sometimes it's insane. And no one remembers how it began. We don't really know what happened in the past. We have history as a school subject, but can we really conclude it was a fact? I don't think we can. Besides, we have no idea when it began. We started counting in 1 (0 doesn't exist so ya xD), but it's really not that the earth came there right when we started counting. And it's a never ending story. No one knows when it will end, or if it'll end at all. Maybe the humans will die out, but it doesn't mean the end of the earth. And who says it's about the earth only? There's always something that exists. Always.

I remember I used to think of that a lot when I was younger. "What if I die? What will happen then? How would it be if I'd be an animal? Or a pet? Would a tree see the world the same? Is this all even real? Is this possible?" I really had a thousand questions. I'm no longer concentrating on them, though.

And I did it. I really feel relieved. And thank you, Dennis. :) Thanks to you it was a lot easier.
So, I'm single again. Yup. I feel free. But Dennis will always have a special place in my heart, so, thank you for the amazing time we had. ;)
Okay that really sounds like a goodbye. IT'S NOT. o.O

I've made a decision.

It was super hard, but now I'm just 100% sure. :S And the hardest part is yet to come. Wish me luck.
And the chance that we're going back to Loano 2 Village next year is very big. :D Yesterday it came up again. We were talking about my piano and voice lessons, my mom said it costed 900 euros and then she said "We could even buy a vacation for that. Not long, but we could". I was like "Loano 2 Village for one day" in a sarcastic way. Then she was like "A few more days than that". So I was like "How much did 9 days cost, then?" and then she was like "We payed 2000 euros for it". And then she was like "but the sooner you book for when you're going, the cheaper it is. It still depends on when you're going, and we don't want to go too early."
TADAAAH, means the chance is bigger, because she's kinda already planning. Because she said something like "We don't want to go too early in the vacation, we still have to decide when we'd be going then". BAM. Awesum. :D Now I just gotta wait for my mom and dad to officially say "We're going back to Loano 2 Village for two weeks this time" and then my year can't break anymore. We're going back to Loano, my teachers (only not my PE teacher) are great, I'm getting voice ÁND piano lessons, I'm in class with a friend of mine, I dare to say things earlier than before, and whenever I've got a problem, there are enough people I can go to to talk to. :)
Well isn't that awesome? :D Now if only my computer will react good again, my year will be awesome. xD

Homework and daydreaming.

I have lots and lots of homework for Monday. ;-; Pfft, school just started and I already have that much homework... For tomorrow I only have one thing, though, that's "Taking activity book B with me for geography". Yup, indeed, we're starting off with activity book B and when that's done, we go to activity book A. Logic, right? But my geography teacher is kinda cool. I have quite a lot teachers now who are like "We need to work in class, of course, but I don't want to be so super strict. So if you whisper a bit to your neighbor, then that's fine. Just be sure you do follow what I say." Which is really cool. That means we can talk in class, as long as we know when we can talk a bit and when we have to work. :D Awesome teachers~
And I'm daydreaming almost every second of the day. I don't know why, but even when I try daydreaming about my old school or something, all that comes in my daydreams is Loano Due Village. Really, it's the only thing I can think of. And it makes making homework and concentrating VERY hard. :/ I just miss Loano Due Village. :(
And I'm thinking about learning Italian. It might not be an easy language, though... I guess it's kinda like French? I'm quite good at French, but I'm not too awesome at it... But there was this site I was on a few months ago and there you could learn languages for free. I just don't remember what the site's called. I'm not sure if I have any mails of it anymore. :S
Actually, if I'd really want to work at Loano Due Village, it means I'll need to speak fluently Italian, English and good German and French. And then Dutch just makes the chance bigger that they'd want me. xD But I'm too young anyway. I can't move to Italy, at least not on my own and I don't speak Italian either. Or, not yet. ;)

Why must I fall in love with an Italian guy?

Why me? Why an Italian guy? Why? Screw my life. Really, I'm crying like an idiot right now. I miss Italy. I miss Loano. I miss Loano Due Village. And last but not least, I miss Nicola. I just want to go back. Right now. Just going there straight away and coming there tomorrow around 8 and then be able to enjoy my time again. Now all I want to do is killing time. I just saw two new pictures on FB and Nicola got tagged, and I just had to cry...

I just miss Italy so much. And I so much regret not joining any activities and especially not talking to Nicola.

Really, if I could go back in time, I would have talked to Nicola since the first time I saw him. I would have joined activities. I would have done anything I didn't do. I hate myself.

I just need someone to listen now. Someone who will listen to all I've got to say. Just so I can let it out. And not through Internet for once. But the problem is, my so-called friend are sick of me, talking about Italy. My psychologist is on vacation and I don't have the feeling I can tell her everything. My parents.. I don't want them to see me cry. And all they'll tell me anyway is "Well who says he'll be working there next year? If he's the only reason you want to go back there, we won't go." And then it'll all be ruined. And then there's one person left, I guess. My teacher. Well, he's not exactly my teacher anymore. But the problem is; He's the only one who wouldn't mind listening to all I've got to say, I guess, but first of all he hasn't got all the time. Secondly he has never seen me cry.. I kinda think it's awkward... And the third thing is, he'll tell my mom I talked to him. I don't know if my mom's going to be happy about that. :/ 

Another song that reminds me of Italy.

Seems like I'm finding each song back. :) So there, you had 'Balada'. I didn't know the name of it, but you can find it on youtube when you search for 'Tche Tche Tere', but I searched for Gusttavo Lima. Well, actually for 'Gustavo Lima', but now I know it's Gusttavo Lima. xD But anyway, I heard Balada in Italy, so it really reminds me of that disco night. Then you have 'Ai Se Eu Te Pego'. Well, I knew the name of that song. And then you have Danza Kuduro. I didn't know the name of the song or singer, so I couldn't find it. Yesterday I heard it at school and I asked my friend what it's called and yesterday night she texted me back, so I really thank her, because those songs are pretty much the only thing that really remind me of how much I want to go back. Okay, my mom still has that bracelet, I still have pictures, so does my brother, and then I also dream a lot about Loano Due Village (yup... Going to call it that way now xD). But... Those dreams are really vague.. o.O I mean, they're quite fun, but vague... And I have no idea where that bracelet from my mom is. And those pictures... Okay, that... House... -ish... Thing... That really made me go outside, like, it made me want to do fun things. Yeah, fun things instead of sitting in my room, thinking I actually love sitting behind the computer, but it's just to kill time. So the pictures of that room will remind me how it pushed me outside the house, so I finally would do something fun. :) And then the pictures of the swimming pool remind me how fun and awesome that swimming pool was. The pictures with the people from the staff will remind me how awesome and friendly the staff was. But those songs will bring me back right to the disco night. It's just.. Super fresh in my head, the disco night. It's like it happened yesterday night, really, and I don't have that a lot. The magic of music. <3

It's hard to keep it dry.

I went to my psychologist today, and I was talking about Italy and I could hardly keep it dry. I mean, I managed to keep it dry, but it was hard. And she wanted to talk to my mom, and I think that she talked longer to my mom than to me. o.O It really took a while, but when I was waiting I did get some chocolate. :D Nice, nice boy. And when we were done I was like "So, where were you talking about?" lol. And my mom was like "Well we talked about this thing.. Yeah, at the end of the year there will be a group of 4 girls and your psychologist asked if you maybe wanted to join". So I was like "Eh..." and then my mom was like "They talk about stuff like love and problems and how you deal with them". And then I was like "Well, no.. Pff, love..." And my mom was like "not ONLY love". And then I was like "Yeah, and then you fall in love with an Italian guy" (yeah, my mom first wasn't sure if I really loved him. Today I just made it clear, I really think I fell in love with Nicola xD) and so my mom was like "There are no guys. Or Italian guys. Only girls from your age".
Well my mom doesn't know I'm bisexual. lol. xD But then I was like "But you said they talk about love". So she was like, "Yeah, but not only love." and I was like "But they DO talk about it, and guess what, I fell in love with an Italian guy" so she was like "Yeah and how do you deal with it?" Pff, then I had to think. xD So I was like "I don't deal with it." and then she wondered what I thought of Dutch guys. Dutch guys. Idiots. They think they're 'all'. They're stupid and selfish. I hate most Dutch guys. It could be because most of them aren't really... Mature.. I mean, Nick is really mature yet very fun (he's really nice. I don't love him, but he's reaaaally nice ;) ).

Thank you.

‎"If you take a chance in life, sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen. But honey, if you dont take a chance nothing happens."

Thank you Amy Lee. She just posted this on Facebook. It's true...

Making a hard decision.

When I was on vacation in Italy, there was something I realized. I realized it thanks to my brother's new friend Nick, who is very nice and who lives nearby, and thanks to that Italian guy, Nicola. I can't really say yet what I realized, but I'll post it in a week or so. I just don't want to hurt people indirectly. I don't like hurting people at all, but well...
But now I have to make a decision, and it's kinda hard... Pff.. D: I think... I already know what I'm going to do, I just don't know how yet.

I'm not who you think I am.

So, today; First school day. I totally made the wrong impression. I was laughing all the time and smiling and all, but I wasn't happy at all. I was far from happy. I miss the vacation so badly right now. And I still have to wait til tomorrow 5 PM till I can talk to my psychologist.
So I thought about it. If I told her all that there was to say about my vacation, in details (which she'll need if she wants to understand me), then I'd need 50 minutes. I only have 60 minutes AKA one hour the time. dfhklsdah. And then I need to tell her about school, too. Damn. So then I'll need at least a full hour, probably even longer. And at the end she wants to talk to my mom, too. Damn. I just... I want to tell her about my vacation. The things that there are to say about school can wait. I don't feel horrible or happy because of school. But Italy... There's so much to say. It can't wait any longer. Really, it can't. I need to get it out asap. :/

I just realized it.

I thought about that joke I said earlier.. I think it was "Why was six afraid of seven? Seven ate nine". I'm not sure now, though. o.O
And I'm super tired. But when I try to sleep I can't fall asleep anyway. I'm nervous for tomorrow. Why even? :/

"Sexy"

Okay, first of all, what's up with my blog titles lately? Secondly, there's this song from Gusttavo Lima called "O Amor Não Foi Feito Pra Dividir" (what the heck does it mean?) and in the chorus there's a word that reminds me of Italy, because in Italy, when I was at the disco, I heard a song, which I believe was Italian or Spanish or Portuguese, but I don't remember it clearly. But anyway, in that song the guy sung "Sexy". I really want to know the name of that song, but I don't know any of the lyrics, only that little part. :/ I hate it when that happens. D:

I just remembered some sort of joke.

"Why was nine afraid of seven? Seven ate nine". Haha. So funny (sarcastic, obviously). For those who don't get it, seven ate nine. 7 8 9. It's about the way you pronounce 'ate'. It's so logic. Why do I even bother explaining it?
Okay, so tomorrow I have school again. Can't wait. Wow, I'm in a sarcastic mood. I just hope I can make friends. I just hope that there won't be people who make fun of me. But what I hope the most, is that there's no one from my old class in my new class. Only Nienke, then.
And it's warm in the Netherlands. I wouldn't expect that. It's 38 degrees Celsius. Weird. If I heard that, I'd be like "In the Netherlands? Haha, shut up."
But anyway, I'm going to continue play sudoku and being bored. Gotta try to forget about this stupid feeling. But, the background of my phone right now is a picture of Nicola. Haha, I'm so stupid. Seriously. Okay, his smile makes me happy. But he reminds me of Loano 2 Village, and I really miss it. So it's like, the picture makes me happy, yet sad. :/

It hurts.

I thought I kinda got over it, but I miss Italy like hell again. I want to go back so badly. How the hell am I going to survive school if I constantly feel like crying because I miss Italy so much? I hate this. :( I hope I won't feel like this for the whole year.. Gosh.. I wouldn't like that at all. :( I just want to be 100% sure that we're going back to Loano 2 Village next year, maybe I'd still have to cry because I miss it so much, but then I'd at least know that we're going back there next year.

"I look like a handsome guy"

So I decided to look at Nicola's FB page just to check if he had any new pictures, and I just saw that he had commented on a picture from him that someone placed on his page, and he said "I look like an handsome guy... Ahah, great photographer, thank you!"
So all I could think was "Dude.. You ARE handsome". And then I realized he wrote that 12 hours ago. TWELVE HOURS AGO. THAT'S RIGHT WHEN I FELL ASLEEP.

And I only had 7 hours of sleep. I couldn't sleep at first, and then I finally fell asleep and then I woke up at 7. School is starting Monday, but I don't need to wake up at 7 already. D: I'll have to wake up at 7 on Wednesday, and from then on I'll have to wake up at 7 each day.

Back to school.

Yup, my Summer break is over. I have school again Monday. Honestly, in the beginning of the Summer break I missed school and I really wanted to go back. Then I went to Italy, then I didn't want the Summer break to end, and now I don't really know it anymore.. I finally won't be that bored anymore, but I don't like school either. I just hope my class is nice. Same for my mentor. I have a maths mentor, AGAIN. I just hope he won't be as stupid as my last mentor. That I can trust him. Really, that's all I'm asking for.
And I checked Nicola's fb page, and guess what I saw, A PICTURE AND HE SMILED. Okay. So I love his smile. :D I kinda think it's cute. And I saw that he has got a sixpack. ;o I already saw that when I found him on fb, but I just wanted to say he's got a sixpack. xD I either saw that when I was in Italy, though. It looks quite cool. ;o
And my life is complicated. About Nicola, on one side I want him to work at Loano 2 Village, like, that he really gets the job, and not just for a month. But on the other side, that'd mean I can only talk to him on Saturdays, probably, and not for long.
I think I'd like it more if he'll work there, because then, if we're going back there next year, he'll be there, and since I have him on fb and I asked him for a hug it shouldn't be that hard to get a conversation with him. :)

And there's a bigger chance that we're going back now. I have a stupid memory so I don't remember if I already said this, but my mom pretty much only has got tankini's because she doesn't feel comfortable in bikini's, only at home. But yesterday my mom bought a bikini, and she was like "Now we have to go back to Loano 2 Village next year" so I was like "Em.. And why, exactly?" and she was like "Because there I did feel comfortable with a bikini, and I don't feel comfortable in a bikini anywhere else but at home.. And there now, too". So yay. And she actually was wearing a tankini there, but she made a bikini of it. xD I don't know how to explain it, but this means the chance is bigger, which actually calms me down. That makes me happy. It means I won't have to survive a full year with this stupid feeling. We mostly choose where we're going to and if we're going in January. Now guess what. This year went really fast, and now I'm thinking of it;
It's August. In September it'll be Autumn, right? That's next month. Next month there will be quite a lot new TV shows, and I'll have school again so time will go fast and I have enough to do so I can kill time. And then we have November, another new TV show will start then, then we've got October (not really special for me, I guess), and then it's December. Got any idea how fast that month can go by?
I'll have a test week then, I'll be free on the 6th of December (Sinterklaas), then we've got my dad's birthday,  the vacation AND Christmas, then we've got New Year and then we're in 2013. And guess what, then we're in January. The month that we'll plan where we're going to. :D

Loving Gusttavo Lima

I don't truly love Gustavo Lima or something, I don't have a crush on him at all. But the song Balada is pretty much the only song that sounds happy that I know. So just now I got his album and it's pretty awesome. I have no idea what he sings, but his songs cheer me up. Balada is my favourite, though, but still, the other songs are pretty amazing too. Thanks a lot, Gustavo Lima, even though I have no idea what he sings, his songs sound happy. I barely know any happy songs, but thanks to Gustavo Lima I know more happy songs.. Well, they sound happy. ^.^ Now I actually want to go somewhere far away. By car, of course. I just want to go on vacation again. Maybe not back to Italy, but just.. Somewhere far away. So I can listen to his songs when I'm in the car. Of course I rather go back to Italy right now, but still... My parents don't really talk to me when we're riding in the car when we're going on vacation, which is awesome, because then they don't really complain about me.

Loving, yet hating music.

I love music, really. I can't live without music. The first thing I do when I wake up (pretty much at any time) is listening to music. I need to start my day with music, pretty much. It's not like my day will be horrible if I don't, but it'll be better if I start with music.

But now, since everything I hear reminds me of Italy, I kinda hate music. I don't want to feel this way for a full year. I don't want to wait to go back to Italy, I want to go back right now. I would do anything for it. I just want to go back. I don't want to feel this way. I've never missed anything this much. D:

What did just happen?

I wanted to edit my blog and now it's being all weird? What even? o.O All my post from this month changed into my post called "Why am I so stupid?", only the title stayed the same. It's super weird. o.O Seriously, what did I do?

Why am I so stupid?

I keep listening to songs that make me cry. I keep singing songs that make me cry. I'm so stupid. Who'd even do that? And why am I so sensitive? Why can't I just get over things? I realized I have no reasons to dislike my life, but I just can't enjoy life. I'd even think I've cried more in my life than that I smiled. And I've got no calm place where I can go just to cry. I mean, I can cry in my room, but my parents will be complaining about how I lock myself up in my room. I just need time to get over you, breaking me down, my dear parents. So either stop bringing me down or shut the hell up about me, locking myself up. Because it's all thanks to you. And thanks to me since I just can't take it, but still.
But even so, even my room isn't a calm place to cry. My parents could come in any time, and I can't cry around 6-7 because around then we'll have dinner, and then they could see I cried. :/ And then they'll ask me why, but sometimes I just can't explain. And it's really annoying if I come downstairs right after crying and then I gotta join a conversation, well forget it.

Feeling helpful

I keep listening to songs that make me cry. I keep singing songs that make me cry. I'm so stupid. Who'd even do that? And why am I so sensitive? Why can't I just get over things? I realized I have no reasons to dislike my life, but I just can't enjoy life. I'd even think I've cried more in my life than that I smiled. And I've got no calm place where I can go just to cry. I mean, I can cry in my room, but my parents will be complaining about how I lock myself up in my room. I just need time to get over you, breaking me down, my dear parents. So either stop bringing me down or shut the hell up about me, locking myself up. Because it's all thanks to you. And thanks to me since I just can't take it, but still.
But even so, even my room isn't a calm place to cry. My parents could come in any time, and I can't cry around 6-7 because around then we'll have dinner, and then they could see I cried. :/ And then they'll ask me why, but sometimes I just can't explain. And it's really annoying if I come downstairs right after crying and then I gotta join a conversation, well forget it.

I should stop watching bloopers.

I keep listening to songs that make me cry. I keep singing songs that make me cry. I'm so stupid. Who'd even do that? And why am I so sensitive? Why can't I just get over things? I realized I have no reasons to dislike my life, but I just can't enjoy life. I'd even think I've cried more in my life than that I smiled. And I've got no calm place where I can go just to cry. I mean, I can cry in my room, but my parents will be complaining about how I lock myself up in my room. I just need time to get over you, breaking me down, my dear parents. So either stop bringing me down or shut the hell up about me, locking myself up. Because it's all thanks to you. And thanks to me since I just can't take it, but still.
But even so, even my room isn't a calm place to cry. My parents could come in any time, and I can't cry around 6-7 because around then we'll have dinner, and then they could see I cried. :/ And then they'll ask me why, but sometimes I just can't explain. And it's really annoying if I come downstairs right after crying and then I gotta join a conversation, well forget it.

Which day is it?

I keep listening to songs that make me cry. I keep singing songs that make me cry. I'm so stupid. Who'd even do that? And why am I so sensitive? Why can't I just get over things? I realized I have no reasons to dislike my life, but I just can't enjoy life. I'd even think I've cried more in my life than that I smiled. And I've got no calm place where I can go just to cry. I mean, I can cry in my room, but my parents will be complaining about how I lock myself up in my room. I just need time to get over you, breaking me down, my dear parents. So either stop bringing me down or shut the hell up about me, locking myself up. Because it's all thanks to you. And thanks to me since I just can't take it, but still.
But even so, even my room isn't a calm place to cry. My parents could come in any time, and I can't cry around 6-7 because around then we'll have dinner, and then they could see I cried. :/ And then they'll ask me why, but sometimes I just can't explain. And it's really annoying if I come downstairs right after crying and then I gotta join a conversation, well forget it.

2 days to go.

I keep listening to songs that make me cry. I keep singing songs that make me cry. I'm so stupid. Who'd even do that? And why am I so sensitive? Why can't I just get over things? I realized I have no reasons to dislike my life, but I just can't enjoy life. I'd even think I've cried more in my life than that I smiled. And I've got no calm place where I can go just to cry. I mean, I can cry in my room, but my parents will be complaining about how I lock myself up in my room. I just need time to get over you, breaking me down, my dear parents. So either stop bringing me down or shut the hell up about me, locking myself up. Because it's all thanks to you. And thanks to me since I just can't take it, but still.
But even so, even my room isn't a calm place to cry. My parents could come in any time, and I can't cry around 6-7 because around then we'll have dinner, and then they could see I cried. :/ And then they'll ask me why, but sometimes I just can't explain. And it's really annoying if I come downstairs right after crying and then I gotta join a conversation, well forget it.

Packing my bags.

I keep listening to songs that make me cry. I keep singing songs that make me cry. I'm so stupid. Who'd even do that? And why am I so sensitive? Why can't I just get over things? I realized I have no reasons to dislike my life, but I just can't enjoy life. I'd even think I've cried more in my life than that I smiled. And I've got no calm place where I can go just to cry. I mean, I can cry in my room, but my parents will be complaining about how I lock myself up in my room. I just need time to get over you, breaking me down, my dear parents. So either stop bringing me down or shut the hell up about me, locking myself up. Because it's all thanks to you. And thanks to me since I just can't take it, but still.
But even so, even my room isn't a calm place to cry. My parents could come in any time, and I can't cry around 6-7 because around then we'll have dinner, and then they could see I cried. :/ And then they'll ask me why, but sometimes I just can't explain. And it's really annoying if I come downstairs right after crying and then I gotta join a conversation, well forget it.

And then you fall in love.

I keep listening to songs that make me cry. I keep singing songs that make me cry. I'm so stupid. Who'd even do that? And why am I so sensitive? Why can't I just get over things? I realized I have no reasons to dislike my life, but I just can't enjoy life. I'd even think I've cried more in my life than that I smiled. And I've got no calm place where I can go just to cry. I mean, I can cry in my room, but my parents will be complaining about how I lock myself up in my room. I just need time to get over you, breaking me down, my dear parents. So either stop bringing me down or shut the hell up about me, locking myself up. Because it's all thanks to you. And thanks to me since I just can't take it, but still.
But even so, even my room isn't a calm place to cry. My parents could come in any time, and I can't cry around 6-7 because around then we'll have dinner, and then they could see I cried. :/ And then they'll ask me why, but sometimes I just can't explain. And it's really annoying if I come downstairs right after crying and then I gotta join a conversation, well forget it.

I missed singing.

I keep listening to songs that make me cry. I keep singing songs that make me cry. I'm so stupid. Who'd even do that? And why am I so sensitive? Why can't I just get over things? I realized I have no reasons to dislike my life, but I just can't enjoy life. I'd even think I've cried more in my life than that I smiled. And I've got no calm place where I can go just to cry. I mean, I can cry in my room, but my parents will be complaining about how I lock myself up in my room. I just need time to get over you, breaking me down, my dear parents. So either stop bringing me down or shut the hell up about me, locking myself up. Because it's all thanks to you. And thanks to me since I just can't take it, but still.
But even so, even my room isn't a calm place to cry. My parents could come in any time, and I can't cry around 6-7 because around then we'll have dinner, and then they could see I cried. :/ And then they'll ask me why, but sometimes I just can't explain. And it's really annoying if I come downstairs right after crying and then I gotta join a conversation, well forget it.

Why do they keep bringing me down?

I keep listening to songs that make me cry. I keep singing songs that make me cry. I'm so stupid. Who'd even do that? And why am I so sensitive? Why can't I just get over things? I realized I have no reasons to dislike my life, but I just can't enjoy life. I'd even think I've cried more in my life than that I smiled. And I've got no calm place where I can go just to cry. I mean, I can cry in my room, but my parents will be complaining about how I lock myself up in my room. I just need time to get over you, breaking me down, my dear parents. So either stop bringing me down or shut the hell up about me, locking myself up. Because it's all thanks to you. And thanks to me since I just can't take it, but still.
But even so, even my room isn't a calm place to cry. My parents could come in any time, and I can't cry around 6-7 because around then we'll have dinner, and then they could see I cried. :/ And then they'll ask me why, but sometimes I just can't explain. And it's really annoying if I come downstairs right after crying and then I gotta join a conversation, well forget it.

They told me to not let it ruin my vacation.

I keep listening to songs that make me cry. I keep singing songs that make me cry. I'm so stupid. Who'd even do that? And why am I so sensitive? Why can't I just get over things? I realized I have no reasons to dislike my life, but I just can't enjoy life. I'd even think I've cried more in my life than that I smiled. And I've got no calm place where I can go just to cry. I mean, I can cry in my room, but my parents will be complaining about how I lock myself up in my room. I just need time to get over you, breaking me down, my dear parents. So either stop bringing me down or shut the hell up about me, locking myself up. Because it's all thanks to you. And thanks to me since I just can't take it, but still.
But even so, even my room isn't a calm place to cry. My parents could come in any time, and I can't cry around 6-7 because around then we'll have dinner, and then they could see I cried. :/ And then they'll ask me why, but sometimes I just can't explain. And it's really annoying if I come downstairs right after crying and then I gotta join a conversation, well forget it.

Why am I so stupid?

I keep listening to songs that make me cry. I keep singing songs that make me cry. I'm so stupid. Who'd even do that? And why am I so sensitive? Why can't I just get over things? I realized I have no reasons to dislike my life, but I just can't enjoy life. I'd even think I've cried more in my life than that I smiled. And I've got no calm place where I can go just to cry. I mean, I can cry in my room, but my parents will be complaining about how I lock myself up in my room. I just need time to get over you, breaking me down, my dear parents. So either stop bringing me down or shut the hell up about me, locking myself up. Because it's all thanks to you. And thanks to me since I just can't take it, but still.
But even so, even my room isn't a calm place to cry. My parents could come in any time, and I can't cry around 6-7 because around then we'll have dinner, and then they could see I cried. :/ And then they'll ask me why, but sometimes I just can't explain. And it's really annoying if I come downstairs right after crying and then I gotta join a conversation, well forget it.

Playing the piano.

Today my mom woke me at 9 AM to say I could go play the piano at the neighbors today. I was damn tired. ;-; But I did go anyway and I learned 3 (simple) songs. ;3 And I thought I only was there for about 1 hour, maybe not even, in the end she was like "So you played for 2 full hours" I was like "o.O"
But it was fun. ;3 I'd actually like to take the piano to my room but IT'S TOO BIG. xD Well actually it could fit in my room, but then I could never get out anymore. xD But anyway, it was fun. ;3
And after that my mom wanted to buy shoes with me well NO WAY I was damn tired. ;-; Even after some time it became hard to read the notes. o.O And my feet hurt from yesterday. I was going to the forest for a walk together with my parents. ;3 OF COURSE my brother didn't want to go with us. -.- But anyway, I had no good shoes for walking in the forest (or in mountains) so I actually need new shoes, but yesterday I walked on open shoes - bad idea, never do it - and now my feet really hurt. ;-; And I have a big fear for insects. YUCK I hate insects. And when I came home, there were 3 insects in my hair (I started shivering when I got to know that, really, I actually wanted to take a shower but I already did that the morning before, so..) AND my window had been open all the time and we went away for like, 3 hours and then I saw a spider on my window and I saw two flies. No, wait, it weren't flies, it were like, big ants with wings. Ugh, I hate insects. ESPECIALLY wasps. If I even think about insects I start shivering. ;-; BUT IT'S A STUPID FEAR. And guess what, I believe it's my only fear. -.-
Wait... I haven't seen any bees. o.O