I promise you I'll earn it all back.

My mom and I went to look for a piano today, again, because now my mother thinks it's smart to rent a piano before actually buying it. Well I think so too. But now my dad totally disagrees with me, buying a piano. He thinks that I won't even touch it after having one for 2 months. I don't think it'd be that way, but I understand why he thinks like that. It happened a few times before that I got something new, loved it for 2 months and then I didn't do a thing with it anymore. Now if we'd rent a piano, then we could rent it for max. 1 year, then he could see if I'd actually keep playing it. And if I would, then my dad could see me many more times; I'm usually upstairs, but hey, I'm not stupid, I wouldn't put a piano in my own room, I'd put it downstairs. If I'd keep playing the piano all along, I'd be more downstairs and that is what my family wants, too, they want me to use the things I get and they want me to be downstairs most of the time. Now if we'd rent a piano, even if it was just for 2 months, then my vacation would be less bored. I'd do anything just to keep the piano, like, when school starts again I'll be busy again, but I'd just come home and don't allow myself to go upstairs until like, 5 PM or something so I could make my homework downstairs and then play the piano. Really, anything for a piano. Just anything.
But of course my dad won't believe me, now how could I convince him? I don't think I can. Plus we saw a good piano that we could rent, but that's 39 euros per month and the first month it costs about 500 euros. And we're not very rich, my mom still has 3 jobs and I have zero, and I can't get any jobs either. It's so annoying, I'd really work for it, but I don't know how. I somehow want to convince them I really want a piano and that I'd work for it, BUT HOW?
And if I'd get a piano, I'd somehow want to earn it all back, just for them, to show that I really love them for letting me buy a piano, with a part of their money of course.
And today, "The Piano Style of Amy Lee with piano and vocal music sheets" arrived. :D FINALLY. :)

Worst start of a Summer break ever.

Finally; Holidays. 7 weeks no school, awesome. No annoying classes, no annoying people bullying me at school, no stupid teachers, no homework, but either; no social things for me daily, and no teacher to talk to. I miss him already. He's just so nice, and he understands me, he makes me happy and now I have 7 weeks without him around me. :/
It's already horrible. After school my brother was totally pissed off and now I'm pissed of. No one likes me, yet they keep pretending. I always need to start conversations and if not, they just forget about me. And then I try to start a conversation and then they're 'suddenly too busy'. -.- Yeah of course, shut the hell up. So now I have another Summer break without any friends, no sleepovers, not going to anyone to play or anything, I'm staying inside the house, doing pretty much nothing.
I hate it. I hate life. I damn much hate everything in life. Just kill me already.

Sleepy.

I woke up and I was like "How late would it be? 8 AM? 9 AM?" I looked at my clock and it was 11:35 AM. o.O
It's been a while since I slept for 13 hours.
It's just weird, when I sleep about 8 or 9 hours, I'm quite awake. Not always, though, but mostly I'm quite awake. And then I sleep 13 hours and then I'm tired. o.O So I REALLY want this to stop. I don't want to be tired ALL THE TIME. But then I have to eat more. :/ Which is NOT what I want, either.
Okay it's a fact. I'm not fat and I won't ever be fat, either. Unless all I eat is crisps and French fries and hamburgers and a lot of candy. I already eat a lot of candy, though, and I think that's pretty much what keeps me awake.
I just don't like eating, but people say that sounds really weird.. I just don't know how I should like, eat more. :S

Idea.

I'm always negative and depressed. Because it's alway the same, people don't really notice it. So I have an idea. It might sound attention seeking, though.
My idea is to pretend like it's all fine, like I'm happy just as other people. And when it just goes wrong, I'd actually show people how depressed I am.
Well yeah, that sounds attention seeking.

I remember when..

I remember when I used to take a bath, then I'd start singing. I made songs which weren't even that bad. There really was anything I would make a song about. About love, life, nature, water, just anything. I never wrote them up anywhere, though. And I always forgot them. It used to be so easy to write a song that was at least a little bit fine. Sometimes I made my own melody, other times I sung something on a melody from a famous song. But now it just doesn't go that easy anymore. Now I can't just close my eyes and wait till a song flows out. I wish it was still possible. I wish I wrote the songs I made up. I wish I did more with it. I wish I could sing for my parents. I regret I never did a thing with it.

I feel like writing a song.

Since I have a cold, I can't really sing.. It's really annoying. D: But just now I feel like writing a song. Like.. Writing it out, making a song about how I feel and all.. I just don't know if that'd work. Like, I never wrote a song before and I think I really fail at it, too. o.O
I wouldn't know where to start, though... But, writing songs.. It just seems awesome to me. It might sound weird, but I think you can sing a song more 'pure' if you really put your feelings into it, especially if the song could just be about you or your friend.

Went over to Lucia.

So it's been ages (lol) that Lucia and I saw each others, so today I went over to her place. ^^
It was jfadhsljkadhssa awsum. c:
And we went to shop and I forgot to take money with me. D:
AndAndAnd we went to some shop and we had smoothies there and they were so freaking nice. :D And we had a brain freeze. :P

Life's unfair.

I'm getting totally pissed off because of my brother. So he's 17. He has had his exams and he has had vacation since, what could it be, a month already. He hasn't done a sh*t since then. All he does is sitting in his room, either watching soccer or playing FIFA 2012 on his computer. Like really? I know I'm addicted to computering, but even I've done more, not counting school and studying with it. My brother hasn't even been outside this house since a week or two. Like really, I lock myself up in my room but I DO go outta the house with my mom often. Oh and I open my window, and he doesn't. And he's so selfish these days. But last time, my mom went totally mad that he didn't have a job yet, so now he's going to work at the EM-TE, some supermarket near my house. So yay, he's finally going and he'll finally earn his own money. >.<
But my brother's lazy, but I WANT a job. I really do. I wanted to work at a kennel, they said I was too young. Fine yes, I'm young. But I want a job. I want to earn my own money. I want to buy a piano myself (and yes, I know that'd take ages if I'd take a piano from about 2000 euros. But I rather pay a part of it myself and that my parents pay the other part than that I don't pay for it at all, I just want to show my parents I want this).
I just want to reach things, such as.. Well.. I just want to become a pianist and a singer. I love the piano, I love singing. I can't live without it. If I'd become deaf, I wouldn't want to live anymore. If my voice would fade away, there wouldn't be much fun for me to have. I just want to show my parents, somehow, that I really want all of this.

Good to know that no one cares a shit.

I'm done. I'm just totally done.
Usually, when I come online, Dennis starts talking to me. I come online on FB, no reaction. I log in on Skype, not a single word. Thank you. Like I didn't feel crappy already, ignoring me is making it worse. Before ~anyone at all~ thinks I could try to talk to him, I DID, but NO answer. I damn much get ignored. Like I never get ignored already.
And then Luzzie. Usually when I tell her something, she at least lets me know she read it. But now, nothing at all. Thank you for letting me know you don't care a shit, too. No one cares a shit.
That's why I'm wondering. If there's no one I live for, then WHY am I still alive?

Run away, run away

I think I'm going to run away tomorrow. Of to a place where no one can bother me, a place where I can be alone. I just can't take it anymore.

Never thought I'd miss singing so much.

I haven't sung a lot in the past days. Without today, I could eventually say I haven't sung at all. Today I looked up for Nickelback on youtube again, I hadn't really been listening to them lately. I just couldn't help but singing along, and now I can't stop. I've missed singing so much.

And it's official. I hate my parents. My dad can't even take a joke. I was joking with my brother and then my dad made a serious comment, he KNEW I was joking so WHY break the 'funny' mood by getting WAY too serious? Really, f you. Ever since he had called me childish, he's been breaking me down. I don't even know how, even when he doesn't say a thing or when he's being funny, he just breaks me down. I feel like running off. If there was a park near here, I'd go there to escape from real life, temporarily. But there's none. I can't escape. There's no way I can escape from real life now.

In heaven <3

It just feels like I'm totally in heaven right now. <3 I haven't felt like this in ages. Love can feel so great. <3
Love you Dennis. <3

Yesterday I talked to him till 23:30 PM and today I woke up and I wasn't even that tired. ;o I expected to be extremely tired and all... But I wasn't, so yay me. :D
And now I want a hug. D: It's just annoying that there's no one to hug. :( Not even my parents. D:

'It's not Carnival'

Okay so, two days ago I bought this reeeeeeeeaaaaaaally cute Gothic dress and today I went to school, wearing that dress. There was a thunderstorm so I begged my dad if he could bring me to school, however that DID mean that I had to WALK back home, which took me about 40 minutes and now my legs feel dead. So do my feet. But when I was walking home, there were LOTS of people who looked at me like "Dude, what are you wearing? It's not Carnival". Too bad for ya, I don't even celebrate Carnival. I hate Carnival. It was really annoying. -.- But I don't care, this is MY clothing style and I like it.

Happy birthday. :D

Yeah, it's my birthday. :D
So YAY. ;3
And now I'm actually waiting for someone to come online where I can Skype with. :P

Dear Dennis,

I told you Luzzie doesn't care. xd
She's online. Online on FB, for a few hours now so she could've already checked my blog. But she doesn't care a sh*t. She used to check my blog daily and now she NEVER checks it anymore. If she cared enough she would still remember I have a blog, but she damn much doesn't. -.- That bitch doesn't care a shit. :/ And I just call her a bitch because I'm already freaking pissed off. -.-

That's just stupid.

So, I'm half deaf, really. And my parents know I don't hear well because I'm often like "What did you say?" even when they talk quite clear. And they often ask me questions, and then I don't hear them, so I don't answer so they think I'm ignoring them. My parents, or at least my mother still hears everything properly. My parents get extremely mad at me if I ignore their question because I didn't hear it. So now I asked my mom something, AND SHE DAMN MUCH IGNORES ME. But if I would get mad, no no then it's like; "You just shut up and go to your room".
Dearest mom, you KNOW I'm depressed but what you don't know is that I used to cut myself. Now guess what, YOU are bringing me back to it.
Tomorrow is my birthday. And there, you've got my arm fully of scars and new cuttings. Thank you, mom, really thank you.

I give up.

I just totally give up. If my mom still had her other job, then my parents would be both gone at 7 AM. Then I'd slip out and go somewhere I don't even know. Then I'd either decide to just kill myself or to go to school and tell my teacher I'm going to kill myself.
Now my plan is just to skip at least the first hour and come at the second hour, when I have biology from the teacher who knows about my problems, then come later in that hour and tell him why I wasn't there in the first few minutes. The problem is, my mother regularly checks Magister so she'd see I had skipped the first hour and that I was too late in the second hour. Either way, I just don't want it anymore. At all. :/

Angel of Mine

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5v_4DR-b3Hg&feature=related

It's such a great song and I love the lyrics of it. <3

This is the song which is meant for all the people who ever helped me through the hard times, the people who kept me alive, the people who told me not to give up, the people who loved me all along. <3 I love you all, I can't thank you all enough for showing me the good things in life. I might still be depressed, still be negative, but still, you always helped me and I'll never ever forget that. <3

Planning stuff.

Very soon, it's my birthday, and so I've been planning a birthday party where I'm not done with yet. I've been thinking about watching The Hunger Games with a few friends, or just a dance party or something. Not sure yet. I'm not even 100% sure if I actually WANT a party. Like, I would probably invite Luzzie, Loes, Eva and Nienke. Then again, Sanne would be mad at me for not inviting her. But there would probably be a fight between Sanne and Nienke as Nienke most likely makes jokes on the wrong moments. Then I could invite Sanne only, but I don't like her that much. I don't like her more than Nienke, so I wouldn't invite Sanne over Nienke. However, if I'd invite Sanne, and not Nienke, Nienke would understand that, unlike Sanne would. But I wouldn't just do what Sanne likes on MY birthday, but I don't want a fight either. In short, I guess I'd just invite Luzzie, Loes, Eva, Sanne and Nienke and then just hope there wouldn't be a fight OR I would have Eva, stopping the fight. Really, she knows what to say to make them stop. xD On the other side, if she would, there could eventually be even a bigger fight. :S I don't know yet, but I still have 5 days to think about it. ^^ Well, at least 5 days, I don't think my birthday party will be on my birthday itself. It's weird, I mostly feel sick on my birthday. :S

I just looked in my agenda and what did I see?
5th of June; Evanescence concert
6th of June; Psychologist
13th of June; Trail lesson - Keyboard
14th of June; Start testweek, Trail lesson - Piano
15th of June; My birthday
17th of June; Father's day
21th of June; Psychologist, end testweek

I'm busy this month, really. o.O
For the first time in ages, teehee. xD

And yesterday I finally talked to Luzzie again, after ages.
Kinda felt good, it's just forgive and forget, which is very hard for me unless my mind's really off, then I don't think of it, so yeah. xD
Busy busy busy.
But the Evanescence concert was amazing. <3 Love them so much.
If you've got time, listen to this awesome song from Evanescence;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j962qSe0WY0&feature=related

 

People die, but real love is forever

How I love Amy Lee. Her songs are so meaningful. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTP5Cx4BbZw&feature=related

My day was ruined.

I can't take it anymore. I just can't. If even the only person with the ability to make me feel better doesn't have time for me, then I give up. I just give up, I don't want ANY of this anymore. Damn life, why was it give to me?

I've been thinking.

You know what? I'm just going to vanish. It's no point anymore.
Do you even know how easy it is? It's so damn easy. You just cut yourself right in the heart or wherever, or you just jump of a building, or you jump into water, or you just hold your breath until you slowly close your eyes. It can be so easy, so damn easy. You could even just run away to a place where no one will find you and then you just don't eat or drink anything. It's so damn easy.
I mean nothing to the world. Nothing. I know my brother didn't meant it that way, but he said; "You're not anything special for the world" when we were talking about Wikipedia, and then he added; "Me neither, though, only those famous people are". Really, I know he didn't meant it that way but it's so true. I'm nothing special for the world. I could just vanish. No one would notice it anyways.

Liar.

It's all I can bring out now. 'Liar'.
Everything I hear, everything I read, everything I say or everything I've ever said, it all feels like a big lie. It feels like my life's a sick joke. Like I never was meant to born, like I should've died when I already was brought to life or just a few days, weeks, months or years ago. It's like I shouldn't exist. Like what good do I even bring to the world? Bring it in balance, so there aren't only positive people in the world? There are already a thousand other people who are damn negative. In the past days, all I've done was really crawling into a corner and cry.
I've bought the newest album of Evanescence today. Just a few minutes ago, I tried to sing along, but then I noticed that the song could almost be about me.
"Run away, run away," how I'd love to, "one day we won't feel this pain anymore" how I want that day to be today.
Either the chorus.
"I have nothing left," everything's being taken away from me, "And all I feel is this cruel wanting," too true, "we've been falling for all this time," I have been falling for so long.
It got me totally in tears AGAIN. I want to crawl into a corner again and cry, but I can't. I don't know why, I just can't. I'd rather just leave the house now and walk somewhere where no one will ever find me, and slowly die there. Forget about the pain I've ever had, hoping people will see what all this pain could just do, it's eating me inside. I just can't take this anymore. I don't know what to do, I really don't. Lately I've had a lot of dreams with myself dying in them. Most of them had people laughing in it, because I was dying. I know a dream isn't reality, but it just makes me feel like it's so true, that they'd be so happy about me, dying, in pain.