"When night falls, darkness arises"

Okay so I'm in the mood to write sentences or texts that make you want to.. Make you want to.. Okay I don't even know. I suppose I could say it makes me want to write a song, or an inspiring text. Which I can't. Which is very annoying but I'll get over it. I honestly didn't realise the time so oops, I should go to bed. ;-;

In mooooments of deadly gloom
Young liiiives ending way too soon
The facts that are all untrueeeee
Spread lies that were not thought through

-That's from Epica by the way.

It's painful

Do you know how painful it is to feel like you're giving up more and more and you can't stop yourself? Like you're losing control over yourself and your life? I can tell you it's goddamn painful. I can barely get myself out of my bed these days, not because it's warm or comfy but really because I don't want to face the world alone.
I don't want to face the world alone, but there's no one to help me. Dennis isn't there, not anytime soon because he's busy. It's not like I'm looking for someone to replace him at all but if there's anything I know, then that's that he'll be the only one who could possibly love me, the only one who wanted to be with me. If he'd break up with me, I'd be alone for the rest of my life. I know no one would like me that way, because why would they?
This was another day on which I felt useless.

Okay, what is this?

So lately I often feel bad when I'm eating, which results in me not wanting to eat. So to explain it: when I wake up, I feel fine and I do what I always do. Then I have breakfast and then I suddenly feel worse. Then like half an hour after I ate, I feel fine again. Then when I get hungry again, I don't feel like eating because I know it makes me feel bad so I prefer snacks, but guess what, we don't really have any snacks so that's not a possibility. So then I eat and I feel bad again, so I eat less than I really need. Then right before dinner I'm goddamn hungry. But once I hear dinner is ready, I feel bad again and then I try to eat an amount of food which I won't regret and so that my parents won't comment on it. That's quite hard by the way, and annoying as well because I go to bed with an empty stomach and it's annoying.

I had a weird dream

Okay so in my dream, I was dating Dennis and stuff but then apparently he had kissed with my cousin (in my dream she didn't have boyfriend), and apparently she was a great kisser and I've never kissed so obviously I'm not good at it. But then in my dream Dennis seriously started to doubt who to date just because my cousin was a great kisser. Like what? xD Okay so I wanted to prove I'm a fine kisser (obviously I'm not but whatever) so then I kissed him and all. And he was a super duper awesome great kisser and I wasn't so.. Yeah that was awkward. xD

You know those girls

Those girls who can wear the weirdest or ugliest clothes, those girls who don't need makeup or can wear ugly makeup, those girls who don't need to do anything with their hair or who can do whatever they want with their hair and they still look cute. Couldn't I be one of them? ;-; This is just unfair and annoying.

Great, now I'm crying

And there's no one I can talk to. Fuck life, I swear to god it's fucked up. Nothing goes right, honestly if I'd believe in some sort of heaven and hell, this would be hell with one angel for some people, but if you touch him or her, he or she will feel pain. Everything I do hurts others, so then why am I here? But if I'd disappear, I'd still hurt them.

I'm ready

If all goes well, I'm somewhere else tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then in two weeks. It's useless anyway.
Coming to think of 'if all goes well', it reminds me of Two Steps From Hell - all is hell that ends well or something?
Anyway, do you know that unloved feeling? When you could crawl in a corner because even the one who seems to like you most (whoever that may be) seems to dislike you? Right now I just feel like "Fuck it all, what's the difference anyway?".

This is strange and annoying

I've been trying so hard to prepare myself for this feeling, hoping it'd be less bad but no, it's way worse than I expected. Seems like it was all for nothing. I hoped I would feel good enough, instead I feel bad enough for the plans I've had. The failing plans, by the way, because I know that the plans I've had are useless. Oh and I mean some plans I had when I was single. And had no brain. Not that I have so much more of a brain now.
Anyway, now I need a reminder for tomorrow, so that I won't forget looking for my teacher before it's too late.
And also: this damned ear infection should leave.

Wait, I've had this feeling before

Twice at least: once I fell off the stairs after I had this feeling and the second time I fell in an ugly way so that my back was hurting a lot. Aka I have a bad feeling about this feeling - yeah that sounds weird. But I expect something bad to happen now, whatever it may be. I'm not looking forward to it.

I'm not quite sure

I'm not really sure whether I should be worried or sad right now. I mean it's not so very normal when someone who likes you suddenly ignores you, and it could have at least three meanings:
1. That person is just busy. It happens, you know. Only I would wonder why he can't tell me that.
2. He's tired of you and wants you to leave him alone. However then he could've said that as well.
3. Something happened and he's ill and has to sleep/stay in bed or he's in the hospital maybe. That could explain the not answering stuff as phones aren't allowed in each part of a hospital. For as far as I know, there are several parts where they are allowed, but I'm not sure. It just wouldn't explain why he keeps coming online though.

Let's just say this is the worst time for this to happen because tomorrow I have another test and then I'm free for a week. And I'll be home alone for a long time every day. Then I'll be all alone, no one to talk to, while feeling horrible and I expect the weather to be horrible so that's not going to help. And I want to kill this crappy feeling.

The reason why I'll die alone

I got mad because of bread. BREAD. Yes you're reading it correctly, bread. Food. I got pissed off because of food. Besides that I don't think I'd be like "Yo let's die together! When should we die?" It sounds so stupid. "Die alone", in the end everyone dies alone, even when you're married. I don't think I'll get married, my god it's expensive and I'd just be nervous. Oh and find a guy who wants it and who wants to pay everything and who can pay everything. How many guys are out there who are able to handle me? I think there's only one and he seems to have a hard time with it every now and then, so if he's already got a hard time with it, I don't think there's anyone else. Not that I need anyone else, if he doesn't want me, I'll just try my hardest not to fall in love again.

If only there was no grunting in Epica

The band would be so amazing. I like their songs, but I'm just really not fond of the grunting. I just don't like it, it sounds like they're trying to ruin their voice on purpose.
However it doesn't keep me from listening to their music. I'll just try to ignore the grunt parts~
Also, my dad said he liked Epica, but when I brought it up, he said he didn't like them at all. Like what the hell? Did your opinion just change in a few weeks or do you just want to have nothing in common with me?

Okaaaaay I feel ignored

It could just be a feeling of course, since I tend to feel fake things. Wait, I put that the wrong way. I don't tend to feel fake things, but I often manage to make myself believe things without even realising it. For example, let's say someone is on whatsapp and you send them a message and they don't reply. Then I don't think "Ah, he/she must be busy", I tend to think "What the hell have I done? Why are you ignoring me?" and then I start spamming and then I realise I'm annoying and then I regret it. REEEGREEEETS.
Well, talking about regrets: oh god damn it (I accidently wrote 'hot damn it', also fine), I have tons of them and I hate it. I want to re-do my life.

That time when you know it's the end

Ready, set, go! I'm nervous now. Today my grandma will get something removed, I don't know exactly where or what because my cousin didn't say that. I don't exactly think it's dangerous or what, but I'm still nervous.

That moment when you want to talk to someone

But you can't, because you are pretty sure someone will end up hurt. Life is way too complicated for me, that's for sure. I wish I didn't grow up thinking real life would be a fairy tale. Stupid school. >_< Where did that change anyway, when I'm only 16? Shouldn't 'real life' hit you when you're 18 or older?

You know what, I have a plan

A superdupergreatawemomse plan, but right when I have a great plan, it's night of course. xD Always happens. So, I have an even better plan: I'm going to work on my plan tomorrow! ^_^ Now ain't I smart? That's right, I'm not, because I have two tests tomorrow. But! Two superduperamazing tests. I hope. I mean economics was bullshit and full of things we didn't fully practise. Nope no wait, that could be me. xD Now goodnight everyone~

So I have a question now

*Noms down a piece of cake* So is it okay now if I'm afraid as hell that my boyfriend will break up with me very soon? And also, is it normal to look for a crush (like a celebrity crush AND YES I SAID 'look for') just so it might hurt less? Wait, that doesn't even make any sense.
Also, my definition of a crush: When you're interested in someone but you barely know what they're actually like, so you make up a whole personality in your head and then you suddenly like him more than just a friend. I know it sounds stupid, but that is how I think of it. I don't think that when you have a 'crush' on someone, you're actually in love. I've thought about it: Love isn't actual love unless both of you feel that way. So if I love someone who doesn't love me back, it's not real love. I just can't believe that you can fall in love without that the other person loves you back, I just can't, I'd feel like I'm tricking myself if that is the case. That I'm not in love, that I'm just telling myself that I'm in love so that it feels that way.
Okay, enough about crappy love, it's way too confusing and once you're in it, it's impossible to get out of it without pain. I mean you can tell me now that it doesn't hurt when you're the one who stops loving your boyfriend/girlfriend, but I'm sure it does. Especially when you've reached an age in which you really want to find the person you want to spend your life with. And no, I do not think I've reached that age. After all, I think it's different for everyone.
Now back to-- who ate my cake? ;-; Whoever you are, I'll find you!

I just realised something

And it hit me a little too hard.
Also: THAT ANNOYING MOMENT WHEN SOMEONE STARTS A CONVERSATION WITH YOU AND THEN STOPS TALKING TO YOU. And it's like he just read this while I wrote it, because now he replied. :P Okay yeah I'm shaking now.
Also: next week I have a test week. How come I didn't know? ;___;

Thiiiiiiiis iiiiiiiiiis annooooooooying

I hate hate hate it when I want to reach someone but before even trying it, I know I can't. ._. Best example: When I want to reach Dennis or Chris, but they're not on Skype or whatsapp or I don't have the phone number or calling is waaaaaaay too expensive. Another example: When I need a friend/classmate for something and they don't reply on whatsapp and they're never on Facebook/Skype and they live too far away to just go to them and you don't like calling people. Yes in the T-Mobile contract I have 90 minutes to use for calling every month but no, I don't use them. They only count for Dutch numbers and I'm just not fond of calling.
Anyway so this is annooooooying and by tomorrow evening I still won't have a reply because it's pretty much impossible. :P Well maybe by midnight. Or did I misread something? Also possible. I happen to be blind nowadays... Or just too tired. :P
*Noms on some crisps* so yeah I'll go to bed after this sooooo goodnight y'all.