It's too bad

That none of my readers ever reply to what I say. :P Because then I would ask right now to all the people living in either the Netherlands, Germany or Belgium if they know how to get into some sort of clinic. Ah but then again, the kind of clinic I have in mind is most likely different than the real ones, sadly.
The kind of clinic that would probably help me is where you have your own room with blue walls (aah yes like mine! ^_^ I love it, it's so calming) and you have breakfast, lunch and dinner together (lately I've been eating breakfast so late that I kept skipping lunch and thanks to my stupid brain that made me do that I was sooo hungry with dinner haha :P) and then either you get a laptop (a cheap one of course that is just made for simple things like browsers and skype and such things) or there's this room with computers and then you get a special amount of time for how long you're allowed to be on the computer. And after like 5 minutes before that time it warns you that it'll shut itself down and stuff. And then you're allowed to have your phone with you but only to reply on whatsapp to important people like your parents, brother, sister, boyfriend, girlfriend or best friend (and then suddenly everyone is your best friend of course xD). And then there are special times when you're allowed to be in your room so you can't stick around there and on normal days you just go to school like everyone else and after that and also in the vacation you'd have to choose at least two 'classes' and one of them has to be active. I would so choose a language and something with water and archery then - coming to think of archery, I still have to ask my parents if I can join. I was planning on joining after Munich but why wait?
Anyway, it might be a bit too much to read but I'd still like a clinic like that. It would help me, I guess that is because they watch me and I always feel the need to eat enough then, and they'd also make sure you do thinks with others so that you won't be lonely and stuff. And I'm sure they'd listen to you if you're sad. I do need something like that, something to keep my mind busy so that I can't think too much.
Also, I think I just heard a mouse. O_O So now I'm gonna invite alos and orly over to hunt with me. ;3 Nah I'm going to sleep and let them hunt.

Ready, set, go

Off to another night of crying my eyes out. Great. Why do I always feel so lonely?

I learned something today

Even though I don't have school. Woopwoop, maybe I do still have my brain somewhere in this room. Well, not exactly, because what I learned is that you should never listen to the song 'already gone' by Kelly Clarkson if your relationship has been on the edge. Seriously at first I was trying my hardest just not to cry and then I couldn't help it anymore and cried my eyes out. The problem is that I have no one to talk to about it right now. I'm glad that my parents and my brother have to work tomorrow, they're already in bed if I'm not mistaken so then they can't see I cried.
I just wish I could take every stupid word out of my mouth and rip them apart, I just wish I could crawl into Dennis' arms right now and cry my eyes out.

I knew it!

"What Harper really wanted to do was go someplace dark and quiet with him, to give in to the warmth of his voice and the strength of his arms. To have him hold her and kiss her until she couldn't feel anything but him, until she'd forgotten about the ache inside,"
I knew it. I knew I wasn't the only one who would love to do that. I must say though, if I re-read that, it really sounds like a romantic book which is exactly the kind of book I would hate. I don't know the genre, most likely a bit horror-ish with all the heart eating, murdering, sirens and all the drama about Harper who won't find her sister the way she used to be. I once read a few sentences at the end of this book, I did that last year and stopped reading just because of what happened there. I didn't like it, so I didn't want to read further until I have the other book from the series. Well not the first book, stupid enough I started at the second book but oh well.
I feel guilty right now. I feel like I did something stupid, like I did something wrong and that I should apologise to Dennis. I don't really know why, maybe it's because of something I said earlier, or my way of acting lately. Hm well not lately, but.. One week ago, I believe. I just don't know what's up with me. When I watch the video of him, I just sit here, wondering why I never show him how much I appreciate him or how much I love him, but I have to be honest, I just don't know how. I know he wants me to let him go so he has a real life too and that he wants me to be happy but I just don't know what to do. I do know what I would do in real life though, I would hug him and just not let him to for a long while. Only I am not so sure if that'd be nice or evil. :P
But for real... Right now I could just literally cry my eyes out because I can't hear his voice and I can't feel his arms around me. I wish the situation was different.

Visiting Amsterdam for the first time

Soooooo tomorrow I'm going to Amsterdam for the very first time. It kinda feels weird that I've never been in our capital while my brother was even born there. >_< But well, I'm looking forward to it, even though I'm pretty much out of money because I get about 60 euros every month and I'm saving up money and that didn't exactly work this month. :c And I just realised it pretty much means I won't have enough money for when I'm in Italy. :P
And they said it was goddamn code yellow or something? With lots of rain and a thunderstorm and what not. I didn't notice anything. :P No real rain or anything and it's still so hot here.
Oh also! I'm not only looking forward to tomorrow, I'm also scared as fuck. :P My brother is going to drive and he keeps complaining about how some cars work different than others and how he needs to.. I don't even know.. I'm scared, I don't want my brother to drive, I've seen him driving in games and that doesn't work in any case. About that anyway: I'M NOT GOING TO SIT IN A CAR YOU'RE DRIVING EITHER, DENNIS. D:
Ooh maybe they have a music shop in Amsterdam though. I hope so, and I hope it won't be too hot.

Feeling annoyed

So, why exactly do certain feelings exist? For example when you're mad or sad or don't want something, why does it exist?
At this point I feel like a hopeless case again: it's not so much that I want to kill myself, but I don't want to be alive all that much either.
I don't like thinking about it. I don't like thinking about the future. In the end, I will lose everyone: I will lose Dennis, I will lose my family, I will lose my friends. I will lose Dennis if we'd break up, and if we won't, I would lose him to death. I will lose my family if we wouldn't have much contact which is most likely, and if we do keep in contact, I will also lose them to death. Same with my friends.
Why do animals die? Why do people die? Why are people sad? Why is it normal nowadays, to pick on someone, to make someone see only one solution: death. Nowadays it seems to be normal to not want to live, or to feel bad.
At this point I feel lonely again. I want to crawl in a corner and cry, waiting till I finally fall asleep, partly hoping it's all over then, while another part of me will still hope I wake up, to see the sun again, to know I'm still alive so that I still have a chance to find a hobby, to meet Dennis, and maybe to get more friends too.
So why is it true? Why do people have a good or positive side, and also a bad or negative side? Why were we created that way?