I hate you. I hate you with all my heart.

Then you think you have friends, even if it's only online. Then you tell her some things about your boyfriend, who you know from the internet too. And like a week after that she decides to go and talk to him, why in the first place? And then in the end she ruins a relationship. Thank you, thanks a lot. I think I'm going to the bathroom and throw up for the rest of the evening. I'm shivering like crazy and I'm too sad to even cry. I, and he too, just wanted a nice conversation without fighting for a change. Instead we have another break in which he's going to doubt about me and he's already pissed off about what he thinks I did and what can I do anyway..

Feeling like shit

Okay I have to admit this: I never thought I would feel ugly just because I have a handsome boyfriend (okay everyone has their own opinion, to me he's handsome). So just now I saw his PPG picture and I was like *melts*, but what sucks right now is that my mind is like "Oh, you're having a good time? You're this close to being happy? Give me a second, I'll ruin it all for you!" because seriously. Now I sit here like "But why did he update it? Like does he want to impress someone? Would he be dating someone else? Or is he trying to do that?" and it's like SHOOT MY GODDAMN MIND, WAKE UUUUUUUUP! .__________________________________.
Seriously though. Right now I'm more like "Well fuck. I'm ugly and I have a handsome boyfriend. Well I'm screwed now". Like the chance of losing him is like 1000000000000000000000000000000000000%, if not to someone on PPG, then someone in real life. Okay wow, this would so explain why I don't let him go. No, but seriously. Sometimes I wonder if someone ever saw me and thought "Oh, she's quite pretty". Why do I even wonder? No one thinks that. They just walk by and look at me like "Oh she looks weak, easy to hurt, and she can't even take care of herself". Well no, I can't. Okay and now I'm crying. I seriously hate this, why can't I have a good side, like everyone else? Why can't I be pretty? Why can't at least my hair do what I want? And why the hell does my mind work like this? I'm ruining my own life and it feels like there's nothing I can do about it. If it's not about my mind deciding to think so stupid about things, then it's the feeling of just wanting to sit in a corner, cry my eyes out and do absolutely nothing for days. It doesn't matter how many hobbies I have, I just have that feeling most of the time. Like if I could, I would go sit in a corner now, cry my eyes out, wishing to disappear so everyone whose freedom I took will have it back, so people don't know this complaining girl anymore. I hate this. I'm out of ideas.

And now I'm this close to crying

Stupid mother... I mean she did nothing mean, actually. It was just that she asked when Dennis would be here, since I asked a while ago If he could come here when I had two weeks of holidays. Turned out he couldn't be free on those days and that his parents already hate me and think this won't work out, so they don't even allow him to come here. I fucking hate it right now, because I was looking forward to it, like I could finally be with my boyfriend, but no. Instead that was ruined and now I have to wait for 3 goddamn years, and I can't tell my mom, because she will simply think he's not who he says he is our that we broke up. I just want my boyfriend here, is that really too much to ask?
But on the other hand, it's not like I look good these days. I guess that makes it a bit less of a disaster.

Sorry

"I don't know about non-violence, I've never heard that stereotype before, but as a Canadian I can tell you that we actually do say "sorry" quite a bit. It's less due to politeness and more of a way we've learned to respond to awkward situations."
*Packs bags* Well guys, I'm off to Canada! (muhahaha Justin Bieber, you're going to die. I mean he's Canadian, right?) Anyway, I react the same way in awkward situations. Uh well, online, that is. I rarely say sorry in real life because it makes me feel even more awkward.
And it's orange outside. And it's raining. Well, thank god I don't have to go anywhere this evening.
Also! I have two weeks of holidays now. Two weeks of finding out how to get my hair the way I want it, maybe improve my smile (I wanna look friendly, okay? I feel like I scare people away), improve my way of acting in real life, maybe buy some new clothes so I can wear more of what I really like and maybe finding new hobbies. I guess we'll see that by time.
Right now I'm just tired and not sure if I'll see Dennis on Skype or not *yawn*. Do you ever think of how cute a minion can look when it yawns? *-* Okay I don't know why that popped up in my mind.
Also, I can stay up for as long as I wish now, woopwoop. And next week I might have lots of privacy, because my brother only has one week of holidays.
And my god, I hate hate haaaaaaaate school! I want to see Sabaton live, so I checked when they'll be in the Netherlands. My parents must hate me, whyyyyyy was I born in such a small country? They'll only be here once, at Fortarock. At least 80 euros so you can see lots of bands, but it's a bit of a waste if you go for just one band, isn't that right? So I checked Belgium, since I live in the Southern part of the Netherlands, so I could go there. There they have 'Graspop Metal Meeting', all amazing and stuff, lots of bands too, including Sabaton of course. BUT! Now this is why I hate school: I have school till the 12th of July. And Sabaton will be at GMM somewhere in goddamn June, so I can't go. They'd be there at 0.00 till around 1.15, meaning I'd get home around 3.00 so I'd have about 4 hours of sleep, which is something I really can't have around that time. Then there's Germany, but for that there are two musts: 1. It must be nearby and 2. it must be in my summer holidays. So I found one in the summer holidays, but it's in Ballenstedt or something, which is in the East of Germany, I believe. So I can't go, and I hate this with all my heart. Like I could literally cry about it. And yes, you're allowed to laugh at me for that, it's simply because I've never really loved any bands or people, or at least not this much. Not even Within Temptation or Evanescence. So right now it just sucks that I love Nightwish and Sabaton so much, while I can't see them live for a long time.

I feel 3 things right now

1. I'm upset. I mean it's not weird, I don't like it when someone calls me a bitch, you know.
2. I feel tired. Like someone ate all my energy and all I can do is sit, lay down, eat and drink, and that's all.
3. I'm worried. Like right now I can't contact Dennis, so I can't know how he's doing and right now I feel like he did something against himself and it's my fault and there's nothing I can do about it. But I guess I'll never know.

Just to cheer someone up a bit

I found something to do for in the weekend you're gone, if my mom is free, I could go shopping with her and maybe watch a movie with her or someone else, or see if we can have that 'Disney marathon' with a non-Disney movie in it. Also, if you have more concerts of SaMo or Nightwish or Omnia which I should see, feel free to send them to me when you can.
Also, I'm joining the school musical next year, so I'll hang out with those people from school then.
And now I'll continue listening to music on my phone while sitting on my bed. Let's see if I can cheer up too.

Well that's it

First of all, now my boyfriend's computer is gone, so there's no talking to him anymore. Secondly, I'm done. Totally done. Apparently, I'm a 'little depressed psychopathic bitch'. So you know what? If you say you're so worried about me hurting myself, then I should tell you something: You didn't have much of a reason to be worried but god, now you do. You should be goddamn worried if you care.
I'm done with everything. The people I hang out with don't like me, I can't have a proper conversation with them and I don't want to hang out with them outside of school, because we have nothing in common. My other classmates and the other people from school hate me too and some of them love to bully me too. And then there's my family. I don't have contact with the family of my dad and the family of my mother, well... Most of them feel awkward around me, or they think I'm boring or annoying because I don't talk and I don't answer all their questions. Neither of my parents like me and it's not like my brother is really fond of me either. And now even my own boyfriend dislikes me. And if it's not 'dislike', then it's simply 'not like'.
I'm done. Bye.

Three days grace - never too late

"Even if I say it'll be alright, still I hear you say you want to end your life", well that's how I feel right now. Oh and "this world will never be what I expected" is true too.
Anyway it's a song a friend of mine sent to me and now it's a song that makes me cry. I hate feeling like shit.

Is it even going to stop today?

I don't want to feel sad, I don't want to feel like running away, I don't want to feel like I need to escape. And now again I ruined someone's dream, crushed his hope, great...
I hate this feeling. I thought I got over it. I just want the sun to leave and I want everyone in this house to leave and just break down right here without that anyone can come and freak out on me for what I'm doing and what I've done, and yes, my parents would do that. I crushed their trust and hope too, they stopped trusting me a while ago, and I don't think that finding out the truth made it any better.
You know what, I guess I'm just gonna go and prepare myself.

There's not so much to say

Well not really, no. Except for 'I told you so'. I don't really feel like talking right now, I mean what's there to say? Yesterday and the day before I was super hyper, and I told you so: after that I usually get sad. This morning I broke down, and I thought it'd be for just a couple of minutes, and it was, but I'm just this close to break down again.

Afraid of being ignored

It's so weird, I feel like he's ignoring me while I know he knows better than that. If he really didn't want to talk to me, he'd just tell me...
And by now I'm crying again. But it's kinda like I'm crying without tears, because I have no tears left at all. This sucks...

Nervous and shivering

So I'm like shivering all the time now and I'm super nervous again. ._. Like I really feel like shit now and I feel like I'll never truly be forgiven for what I've done, which isn't weird anyway. I really hate this feeling and I think I need to throw up soon. ._.
I did one good thing today though, I removed a virus. So it's not all that special, but I'm just glad I found out how to do it (after searching for so long on my computer just because I thought I had removed the virus, when Chrome showed it was still there). But then there's a negative side to it: I managed to get a virus on my computer. Again.
Um... Another good thing just to keep it a bit positive then, today with German class I had to have this conversation with someone (I believe we'll get a mark for it) and I did it almost faultless - only I forgot a part of the sentence. Now I get it sounds weird, but we had to translate "How warm was it?" but since we needed to make full sentences that are understandable when you only read the sentence, we actually had to say "How warm was it in the holidays?" and I forgot the last part.
Well... Now I'm back to feeling nervous. Let's see if I can make homework, I probably can't even write correctly because I'm shivering so much.

I hate myself so much

Like really, you can't imagine how much I hate myself right now. I have harmed myself, I have tried to kill myself, but instead of that shit working out, I only hurt my boyfriend. No one else noticed, but what do they need me for anyway?
What does Dennis need me for, actually? I don't give him what he needs, I can't give him the love he deserves. I mean I love him with all my heart, but in the end, what did I give him most of the time? Love or pain? Clearly pain. I've hurt him much more often that I have shown him how much I really love him. But I can't show that anyway, because we're not together, and we won't be for at least 3 years.
I don't deserve happiness, but if I leave now, I'll hurt the one I love most.
I wonder if I'll ever truly stop hating myself.

Okay I'm back

With the toast that wasn't all that burned after all, thanks to my mother. And now I'm gonna go ahead and sit on my bed and eat my toast and cry my eyes out. Like... I knew I would get sad about this and all and I've been sad before when I couldn't talk to Dennis, even if it was for just a few hours, but I never thought I could miss someone as much as I miss him now. I miss him even more than I did when I was gone to Italy, which was much longer than 3 days. I told you so, didn't I? I told you I was going to come back crying, begging for this to be over and being able to be in contact with him again, I told you it would be me, not him.
I don't like this, I don't want this anymore, why did it have to happen anyway? Why did I have to get goddamn sad about bullshit again? Just why? I just want someone to hold me, I don't want to feel this lonely.

I don't want this anymore

Well I guess I never truly wanted this break, but now I just feel like crying my eyes out. I mean, he just contacted me to say 'I love you' and now I just want to cry my eyes out because I really really really don't want this anymore, at all. And now I still have to go downstairs because otherwise my toast is burned - it probably already is. So let's hope my mom won't notice that I'm about to cry.

I just want someone to hold me now

So yeah, I really felt like listening to music again and now I ended up listening to the wrong songs, resulting in me, crying again. I can't take this, or maybe I can, but just not now. I want someone to hold me, no, I need someone to hold me right now, but I literally have no one right now.
I don't know who to contact, I don't know who can calm me down and tell me everything will be alright, I don't know who can comfort me right now. I don't know what to do...

I just got a new fear

Okay, maybe not really 'new'. I mean it's about an older fear of mine, but I guess it changed a bit. I used to be very afraid of losing Dennis to someone else, that he'd find someone who's better, or maybe not better, but that he'd start loving someone else too, or that he'd just stop loving me. Now it has changed a bit: I'm afraid he will love the freedom he has right now so much, that he prefers to keep it, and that I will lose him to that freedom. I'm afraid that he won't contact me on Friday/Saturday/Sunday because he prefers to keep the life he has had since Monday, because he can do so much more then, and his parents, friends and colleagues might as well like him more.
Anyway, I'm just saying now that this was enough worrying for today. I just took a quick shower and jumped in my bed after that (well first I brushed my teeth 'n stuff), but as soon as I lay down, I got dizzy and it hasn't stopped yet. Or well, not fully: I get dizzy, then I feel okay for like 3 seconds, and then I'm back to being dizzy or feeling weird, and I also have an earache. Now I really remember how I felt for 3 days straight last year, it really sucked actually.
But well, I should just go to sleep and see what happens. I can't help but to worry to be honest, not only because that stupid fear of mine, but also because I have no idea how Dennis is doing, it really annoys me. But I guess he's doing fine, probably better than me now, at least. Otherwise he would have contacted me.

I had a weird dream

And now it's my little secret dream. :3 Is it weird though, that once someone is gone for a while, I dream about him/her more? I had that with Nienke too, as soon as I lost her, she appeared in more dreams than ever before. And now I dreamed about Dennis again, twice in one night. It was actually a very evil dream, but also.. Well... Maybe it contains.. Stuff. :P Okay only some people know what I mean by 'stuff'. Stuffy stuff, as I like to say it.
I just wonder if he misses meee! ._. I bet that if one of us would come back begging to stop this break, it would be me. x) I mean seriously, I see myself doing that. I actually already wanted to do that yesterday.
It's kinda weird, because to me it feels like everything goes the way it always goes, yet it feels like something is missing. And now I don't remember much of yesterday either, like it just wasn't there, like it's still Monday. But thank god it isn't. But I hate Mondays because then you have to start school again, I hate Tuesdays because then I have school till 16.00 and I hate Wednesdays because I have art class the first two hours and I haaaaaaate it by now.
Anyway, I said I was going to sleep early yesterday, right? Okay well I failed. I couldn't sleep, so I decided to listen to music. I ended up listening to music till about 0.00 ._. So yeah, that didn't work out well.
Anyway, I'm gonna go and find something to keep myself busy now - even if it means I'll go and learn for a test I have next month. Yes, I really said that. ._. I think I can already tell you what my average grade would be if I actually learned for my tests: probably around an 8. For those who don't know: In the Netherlands we have grades from 1 to 10, one is lowest, 10 highest, everything below a 5,5 is an insufficient mark. And right now, my average grade is a 7,4 but I can do so much better, how do I know? Because I didn't learn for every test, yet I got good grades.

I miss him

Fhjgkhdjfdshkjdhsjfkds!!! ._.
Well, this feeling sucks, but I have to deal with it anyway, because I guess I'll have it more often.
Oh also, I really realised I'm different when it comes to music, because today with music class we had to sing 'Stay' from Rihanna, AND I DON'T KNOW THE GODDAMN SONG! xD And Julia, a classmate of mine, was seriously like "What?! You don't know this song?" so yeah.
Anyways, goodnight everyone, I'm gonna leave for a loooooooooooooong sleep now~ Gosh, I couldn't sleep at all last night, then I ended up listening to Sabaton, Nightwish, ReVamp and Two Steps From Hell till 1 AM, then I still couldn't fall asleep and I woke up at 3.44 or so again. Sooooooo annoying, I nearly fell asleep in school today.

Come on, send it already!

Don't be so slow, Nuclear Blast! ._.
Hmph, this makes me wish even more that I lived in Germany, I bet I'd get it way faster then. But well, at least my mom was fine with it. My mom who stayed home sick today, while she doesn't really look like she's sick. But oh well, I've stayed at home so often when I wasn't sick, so I'm not even surprised if she's not really sick.
Where is everyone by the way? >_< My dad is still working, my brother probably left for training, but where'd my mom be? I believe she left like one or two hours ago, but I wonder where she went.
Also, I'm soooooooo bored. There really isn't so much to do when Dennis isn't around, like... I've been listening to Sabaton (bad choice when you got to know it from your boyfriend and then you have to be without him for a week - it reminds me of him ._.) and I've been watching anime, and it didn't really get boring or anything, but I just didn't feel like it anymore. And now I'm bored again, and I have no idea what to do. I'm almost bored enough to just go and learn for tests we have next month or something. ._.

Now it's all about waiting

For one full week. But who am I to complain, if I said it would be like this anyway? Thinking of it like that, I just reminded myself I never asked him how he felt about this. I could have at least done that, you know. I mean, it's nicer than just saying "We're having a break for a week, bye". And maybe I didn't exactly go that way, but that's how it feels right now.
Also, I never thought it could hurt so much seeing Joy and Colin together. Like I literally felt like dying inside, while I thought I'd be fine. But hey, there's a good thing to it, I guess: 1. I know I still feel things. But I already knew that, especially since I felt like crying this morning. I just couldn't, and not because I knew people would see it, but just because it really wouldn't work. Oh and 2. nobody noticed it, and you can say that's a bad thing, but at least they don't have to worry then, right?
Alright, it's just one week. I can survive this, and even if I can't, I could still send him a message. I wonder how he's doing though, weird, because there's not so much to notice right now.

I can't take it now

So, my boyfriend and I are one a one and a half week break right now, and I'm already crying my eyes out. Try to imagine it: You have a long-distance relationship, and then you go on a break, meaning no talking to each other. All I want is a hug right now. I don't want this anymore, I never wanted this and I'll never want it. I don't know what to do right now, but I can't take this at all... I don't even know what happened.
I just won't go to school tomorrow, I'll find a way..

Okay so I'm irritated

I just told my boyfriend to leave me alone until he calmed down/could act normal again, and now I already know what's going to happen:
I'm the bad girl, blablabla, I need to apologise, it's all just fine, then the next day both of us, or at least one of us will act as if nothing happened, blablabla etc.
Or, also a possibility: I'll never see him again, meaning we broke up, at least one of us is broken, I go crazy and buy a trainticket to his city in the holidays and die in his town. Yay, not. Even though I could find his house. But then I'm a stalker and then I'm hated anyway.
But I want neither of these things to happen, actually, because I don't feel like dying in his town and I don't feel like being broken and then acting as if nothing has ever happened between us. So I already know what to do.

Goodbye world

So this is really the end. It's kinda weird if you think about it. I wonder how people get so old, when reality really eats you.
So I wonder now, who will be the first to find out? Who will care most? Who will find me? Those are things I will never know, unless I survive.
So I guess I'll think the same way as last time, if I'm nowhere by 17.00, I'm probably gone. Maybe I'd be in heaven though.

This is the end

Okay so this is at least the second time I say this which makes it really bad, I guess, but anyways... so yeah, my boyfriend just broke up with me and I feel like shit and I have no idea what to do right now, but I do know what I'll do very very very soon. Sooner than planned, I guess?
But yeah, this sucks. Hopefully I'll be gone by tomorrow, we'll see.

I'm still alive

Um so yeah, for those who wonder: Yes, I am still alive. Only I forgot to update my blog in a while, so yeah.
Em.. Honestly, I wish I wasn't right now. My mother pissed me off twice today, resulting in me crying my eyes out, wanting to pack my bags and just leave. Not that I had a reason to do so, but I just didn't feel like being here. But yeah, I stayed. I have no other place to go anyway.
But yeah, I felt fine today for a while, then it was ruined, then I felt fine again and now somehow that stopped. Again. Which sucks.
So be prepared for a bunch of rude/mean comments I don't even mean. Starting now. No, starting several minutes ago. So tomorrow and tonight will be a time full of regrets and maybe the end~