I hate myself so much

Like really, you can't imagine how much I hate myself right now. I have harmed myself, I have tried to kill myself, but instead of that shit working out, I only hurt my boyfriend. No one else noticed, but what do they need me for anyway?
What does Dennis need me for, actually? I don't give him what he needs, I can't give him the love he deserves. I mean I love him with all my heart, but in the end, what did I give him most of the time? Love or pain? Clearly pain. I've hurt him much more often that I have shown him how much I really love him. But I can't show that anyway, because we're not together, and we won't be for at least 3 years.
I don't deserve happiness, but if I leave now, I'll hurt the one I love most.
I wonder if I'll ever truly stop hating myself.