You know what I just thought about?

Okay, so imagine you've felt so much that you just don't care about anything anymore, in the way that if someone puts a gun to your head, you don't give a damn. And if someone laughs at you (better example xD), you don't care. And that you're not afraid of doing whatever you want to do (also a way better example than the first one :P). Then how is it possible that pain still exists? How can you still be hurt, even when you don't care? I DON'T GET IT. ;-; I think some people have had such a day when you just don't care, but they can still be hurt and I don't get why. Iiiiiiii have to stop thinking now, I should never think about things in life. ._. I mean I shouldn't think about why I look the way I do, how big the universe is, what happens when you die, if there's some sort of God or if this world is actually like the Sims. Yes, yes I used to believe that this world was just the Sims for another world, DON'T ASK ME WHY. x)

You know what's annoying?

When someone is most likely lying to you, but you're not 100% sure, so you don't want to tell or ask them because you don't want a fight and all the drama that comes with it. It's so so so sooooooo annoying and I don't know what to do about it now. ._. It's like I want no drama but I do want answers. STUPID BRAIN, MAKE UP YOUR MIND! ._.
The problem is, if you ask your friend, or if you talk about it to another friend, then you don't only get drama with the lying friend, but also with everyone else who knows that friend. Or that friend is suddenly friendless because your friends agree. But then there's still drama, just like with Nienke. >_<

Okay that's it

If only I could, I would. Because I can't stand this anymore, why does it keep happening for no real reason? Just why?
Honestly, why do people have to put up with bad feelings? I have nothing against religions with Gods but honestly: If God would actually exist, do you think he would let people die for no reason? Do you think he would let wars happen? Do you think he would like it, that you say that gays are different and shouldn't be here? Do you think he would let people feel so bad? Do you think he'd want us to be rich and not give anything to those people in Africa? Or the homeless people? Do you think that's what he wants? What did those Africans and homeless people do against him then? Hm? Nothing, right? And do you think he would let people bully others without punishing them? Do you think he would let people feel so bad, that the only option they see is suicide? Honestly, how can you still believe that God is a great person, when you know what's going on in the world? I wouldn't be surprised if your 'God' hates us all, but who's responsible? Is God responsible for how we act, or was it our own choice?
Honestly: I've believed a million things. I used to believe I was the only human on earth, and everyone else was a robot. I used to believe ghosts existed, I used to believe there was some sort of heaven and hell. The only thing I used to believe, and which I still believe, is that nature is what others might see as 'God'. But it's weird, because I grew up with all those stories, we had to learn tons of things about God, I even used to go to Church, and yet I never actually believed that there was some sort of God. Isn't that kind of weird? It's not like I always knew war existed, and that people could feel terrible.
But there is one thing I will absolutely never understand. How can you make war about religion? How can you go that low? Just how? Let people believe whatever the fuck they believe in. Let THEM decide how they live their lives. Don't go "Oh, you don't believe in the same thing as I do. Well, this means war! Either you're going to have to die, or you're going to have to believe the same thing as I do!". Grow. The. Fuck. Up. It's their decision, you have NOTHING to say about it.

I'm sorry, I might sound pissed off and it's kinda a rant out of nowhere, but for philosophy, I have to write something about gay-rights and if gays should be allowed to adopt. Someone wrote somewhere that gays should never be allowed to adopt, because being gay isn't right and 'children with gay parents will most likely become gay as well' so what? Leave your fucking nose out of it, it is THEIR life and you have absolutely NO rights to decide what they can and can't do! "They want a normal life like heteros, well they can't have it" that is not the fuck for YOU to decide. It pisses me off. You're not the one to rule the world, you're not the one to decide whether gays can live like heteros or not. I wish I could tell all the people who believe God thinks gays are wrong to think of this: Maybe, just maybe, he indeed created gays by mistake, that something went wrong. But why do you think gays still exist, hm? Why do you think God didn't change it if it was a mistake? Have you ever thought about it, that maybe God wanted to see how we'd deal with it? Maybe he wanted to see if we would accept them and give them a life like any other people. In that case I can tell you this: You'll go to hell. Do you think God accepts it that you go and take the rights of another human away? Because, even though I don't believe in God, I don't think he accepts that. It's that I am just another girl on this world that I can't make too much of a difference (of course I can help though), but I just don't get it. If I'll ever meet someone who thinks gays don't deserve a normal life, I'll give him or her every argument I know until that person is out of arguments of why gays don't deserve a normal life.

This rant's over, I'm going to finish my homework and hope everything will be alright tomorrow. >_<

Okay, why does this keep happening?

So lately whenever I post something, I often look back at it like "... Did I write that? That's going to give me trouble. Why did I write it anyway?" and it's super annoying. I might as well lose people just because I wrote something which I barely remember anyway.
What I do know, is that I have a headache right now. I guess I'll just go and listen to music and maybe I'll fall asleep.

IIIIIIIIIIIII AM ANNOOOOOOOOYING

In case the title doesn't show it, it's still true. Okay what happened to the font? Seriously Chrome, what the hell did you do? And why can't I type anymore? Gosh it's that none of you see how often I have to correct a word but jeesh that's often.
And I realised something: I CAN GET GODDAMN ANNOYING WHEN I'M WORRIED. It's the annoying stab-feeling in my stomach that makes me act like this, I guess. Did I explain that feeling? It's pretty much an annoying feeling and if it was a human, you would rib it apart and stab it a million times because it's so annoying that you don't even want it to exist. I think I wrote something about it before, and that it had nothing to do with wanting to die. Seriously: it has nothing to do with wanting to die. If it was a person, I would kill that person and then walk away like nothing happened, kay? I'M FINE. I'm not, I know, but that's not the issue right now. I don't even know what the hell I'm saying. So, how many people think I'm annoying right now? Dooooooon't worry about it. I feel like that dude in Skyrim by the way, from the Dark Brotherhood. Cel.. No no no... Cicero, that dude. Well okay, not exactly, I don't talk like that.
Back to the worrying part. Well, I mean the 'doooon't worry' part actually. Anyway, don't worry about it, I'm never like this in real life. I can't speak that well to be hyper in real life at all. It's kinda funny, several days ago Anise and I had to go somewhere for an interview, and then when we went home, she said how it was kinda funny because when she met me, I was all quiet and stuff, and then when she 'met me' on whatsapp, it was kinda like 'HOLY CRAP SHE CAN BE HYPER' (her words, I swear she said... Shouted it like that. FUS RO DAAAH... Which sounds very ugly when you're a Khaijit.. Did I spell that right? Confusing word)

SKIP TO THIS PART

So who got too annoyed/lazy to read all of that? No worries: most of it is bullshit. Ish. The main thing is that you don't have to worry because I'm not like that in real life. Most of the time. But I think that if you pay attention to my way of acting in real life, you'll most likely know when I think "Damn it, I wish I hadn't said it (that way). I feel so annoying" because then it's kinda like I'm super hyper and then suddenly I just sit there (maybe still smiling because of some joke or something) but then I don't say so much. Or at least not very loud. Let's just say you'd need a trained ear like my brother's (he knows how I talk so he understands most of it by now).

Does it show yet, that I really need someone to talk to right now? So Christian isn't there, I don't feel like talking to Cindy, most people in the 'friend'-chat aren't there and for as far as I know, Dennis is nowhere to be found either. AAAAH *runs around screaming while holding dave up in the air*. Makes no sense? Don't worry. It really doesn't. I.. don't get myself anymore. The point is, I just want to talk to Dennis but he's nowhere to be found and now I'm worried (which is weird because it's not like I'm on whatsapp everyday I NEED TO STOP SHARING SO MANY DETAILS TO PEOPLE IN AMERICA.. Most of you seem to be from America or Russia. Wait. Why. O_O) but I don't want to spam to see if he'll react to that (muhahahaha I'm so evil. No seriously, I've done that before and I can't remember why I didn't just wait for at least one hour or so) and I can't ask his friend (WHY WOULD I DO THAT ANYWAY?).
Why can I be so annoying when I'm hyper? Ooookay you know what, I'm not gonna judge. I'd ask all my readers if I'm annoying right now, but none of you reacts. Sweet, very sweet. Nah, I'm already happy people bother to open this blog at all. And read none of it. I still appreciate it, thanks. :P

Okay now I'm worried

WHY DO I GET WORRIED SO FAST? ._. And why did I wrote 'fat' instead of 'fast' in the worst place? 'Why do I get worried so fat?', what would that look like? Okay now I don't get myself. I'm worried but still kinda hyper in a way that I start making not-funny jokes. Well, not-funny for most people. I can laugh about them but that's just because I always laugh about my own jokes, whether they're funny or not.
Also, I found something out about myself: I'm not fully sad unless I can't even laugh about a superfunny joke I hear someone telling others. I realised that usually when I just sit somewhere, being sad, and I hear someone tell a funny joke, that I laugh anyway. It's kinda awesome because then I can still know that I'm not fully sad and that it'll be alright after all. Someday. When the sun looks prettier. Don't ask me why, the sun just looks ugly here. I just want to go to Germany or Italy.
And luckily, I'm going to Munich soon. I still wish I could go to Berlin or Hamburg instead but Munich will be fine too, I'm sure. ^_^
Now I'm going to continue being worried. Not because I want to, and it's not like I sit here like "let's be worried!", it's more that I need to pee again, and that always happens when I'm nervous, and apparently also when I'm worried. WHY, DEAR BODY, WHY?! Just show me your good sides instead!

Can I just scream right now?

I would love to just scream everything out right now. I don't really know what's up, I'm just irritated. It could be because of school, or because of my headache. In any case, I think it'd be awesome if I could just scream it all out now, maybe it'd help.
And you know what I'd love right now? To live near a forest, or near a river or lake. I might not be allowed to go outside at night, but I would love to just go out for a walk and just sit by a lake, forgetting about the world. That is what I want right now: To forget about everything that's going on. I don't want to worry, I don't want to doubt, I don't want to feel bad without knowing the reason. I just want this all to be over, and give me one reason why that can't happen. I don't think that reason exists.
Right now I just want to feel a little more loved, and since Dennis isn't there (in case he already went to bed, gosh I'm not surprised. ._. I can barely see straight, but that's just me) and my parents and brother don't really want to make me feel loved, I have no one right now. I just want to go back to my uncle, I hadn't seen him for years and I contacted him out of nowhere, and yet he was so sweet for me. He was way sweeter than my parents have been in the past years.
Okay now I'm crying again. The annoying thing is that I'm not sure if I should go to bed or if I should wait. And there's another negative side to going to bed now: I don't know why, but I usually can't fully open my eyes if I fell asleep while or after crying.

I found out why I'll always suck at.. Uh, something

Yep! It's because then for example I wanna try playing the guitar. Okay so beforehand, I sit here like "Okay, this is going to take a while, I can't learn all of this in one day and I won't become better if I try one day for like 10 minutes so I have to put effort into it." So then I try it, and then I realise I suck at it, so I get pissed, so I'm like "Fuck this shit, I'll try it another time" and then I try it again and then I'm like "Alright, let's do something easier this time" and then it doesn't work so now I'm more like AAAAAH *smashes the guitar apart*.. Uh.. Rock on.. Folks..?
Rocking wasn't made for me, only the fake kind of rock where people actually smash their guitars to the ground or whatever. WHO WOULD DO THAT? WHY TORTURE A GUITAR, WHAT THE HELL DID IT DO AGAINST YA? ;-;
Okay I'm not funny, I know. So I'll stop.. Eh, for now.
Uhm.. So... Byebye.. Folks? I think that's gonna be my new word for on my blog. Okay, no. Ciao. ^_^