Goodbye world

I'm sick of you, dear world. Let's see if people really can't live without me. Of course they can, that must be heaven. Otherwise I'd like to see them prove they need me. Too bad I can't do much for people.

There we go again

So I don't exactly want to doubt anyone at all, but right now I'm just starting to feel like my boyfriend doesn't love me as much as he used to. It's just so annoying to have that feeling and it's like I used to know he loved me because he called me sweet names and sent me that kiss smiley and he would say he'd hold me close if I was there, and now it just feels like I will never get it because I still don't deserve it. I highly doubt I'll ever deserve it. It's like we're back at where we started: I don't get kisses or hugs unless I send them, and I only get an 'I love you' before going to bed. No 'sweetie', no 'honey', no 'my love', nothing. Like it's just so I'll be fine for now...
Also, I'm dropping everything today. I have no idea what's up, I only know it's really annoying. And I feel terrible. I think I'll stay up for 30 more minutes and then go to bed.

Well this is shitty

Well, tomorrow we'll see if it works.
I have time till 5 I guess. Should be fine then I suppose.

I shouldn't be online in the next days

Well yeah, there's someone I need to leave alone for a while so I guess I shouldn't be online for a while. Well it's a huge surprise if I'm not blocked everywhere yet. I probably am, I haven't checked it yet, and I don't think I want to.
Also, my phone number switched to T-Mobile and now it's kinda funny because now seriously no one can reach me :P Well on whatsapp they can. It's weird, like.. Almost no one sends texts anymore or calls people and yet when no one can text or call me, I feel like people can't reach me.

Crying. Again.

So by now I've asked everyone I know if they would like going to Fantastyval with me. No luck.. Joy wanted to go, but had to go to scouting on Saturday and she has to go to her grandparents on Sunday. Colin wanted to go too, but he has to work on Saturday and on Sunday it's Fathersday and he already has plans. They wanted to go, but they are busy. And no one else is interested. I asked my dad if he could do just this for me, and that I could meet people who like the same thing then. Again, no luck. Come on, he should stop complaining I don't do anything, when he doesn't even give me the goddamn chance to meet people who have something in common with me!
Well, what an amazing birthday I'll have. Not. I was looking forward to something, and again it got ruined. Everything I look forward to gets goddamn ruined and I'm sick of it. I don't know what to do. I feel like shit.

I don't know what to do

Okay so right now it feels like if I'm happy, things will be fine, but I'm not very happy right now so yeah. But then it feels like if I'm sad, things will go wrong and stuff so then I would be more broken and I'd put pressure on others, but now this stuff is putting pressure on me. I just don't get it. I thought I wouldn't go back to the point where I'd just be sad out of nowhere and without a real reason, annoying others with it and taking at least one big risk without really realising it... Fuck being back at that point, this is just really annoying.
Now I can go spend the night worrying about stuff, great... Well it's not like I'm able to fall asleep fast anyway, whenever I decide to just finally go straight to bed instead of listening to music first, I end up sleeping later than I would have if I would've listened to music. It's kinda weird, but on the other hand it isn't because music calms me down.

I've been crying for almost two hours

I'm getting sick of myself right now. So I've been crying for quite some time and now I have a headache and I don't want it to be tomorrow or the day after or the day after... Right now, I admit it.. I feel like whenever I said I wanted to kill myself, I did kinda want it, but nothing made me do it. Right now it feels as if only one little bad thing needs to happen, and then I'm over the edge. I don't want this anymore. I have too many feelings and it's too much to deal with already... Imagine what that would be like as an adult, I would never survive, I already feel like giving up now...
It just hurts... He was perfectly fine without me, he's perfectly fine right now, he doesn't really need me, while I'm lying here with a huge headache, trying to stop crying but I just can't because I feel like I lost him and he doesn't need me and I fucked up and it's just too much. I never knew love could be this painful for just one person, while the other person is perfectly fine. How is it possible you fall in love with someone who doesn't need you nearly as much as you need them?

It's a miracle

It's not like my entire arm and stomach are red and I still have hair.
Okay so right now all I've done was pretty much crying, going crazy, pinching myself hoping all of this is a dream, trying to catch my breath, which still isn't working because I feel like I'll fall down in a few seconds because of lack of oxygen or something, or and I've been shivering and grabbing my hair, nearly pulling it out. Noooo of course nothing is wrong, everything is fine, I'm noooot depressed at all - seriously, stupid school psychologist, what the fuck were you thinking? What the actual fuck were you thinking? "Oh he's fake. He goes out every night. He might even be dating someone else. He might be a 40 year old guy looking for a young girl like you" well shut the fuck up, that'd be you.
I missed him so fucking much and now I miss him again and yet I fucked everything up and I hate this. And there we go again, I'm trying to keep my eyes dry so I don't have to explain it all to my parents, but I feel like I'll have no choice in the end. Or my brother will walk in, asking what the hell is happening. Oh, like he'd understand.
Okay this is annoying, he pretty much told me we could still try and yet I feel like I totally lost him... Okay I admit it, in the next days I'll want to listen to medieval music, but then I can't, because I imagined so much with it, mainly being in Rastede and seeing Dennis and that would break me down now. Weird, isn't it? You're still dating someone, but it feels so much like you lost that person, that it just hurts.
Seriously, God, nature, Jesus, eh.. All the other gods and special people in which people believe, why didn't you create a fucking undo button? Or maybe a "Turn your feelings on/off" button? I would so turn them off now. And tomorrow too, by the way.

Anxiety-attack.. Ish

Okay so I feel like shit and I'm shivering and I feel like I need to throw up and I'm crying my eyes out while it's partly impossible and I can't get control of breathing and I just want to crawl up in my bed and cry and wait till the end. I don't want this, I didn't know it hurt so much, I really didn't.
I guess this is partly why I was so mad about Rastede, and why I was so nervous today. I saw it coming, but it didn't help. Just as with my guinea pig, I saw it coming that he would die soon, but when he did, it still hurt as hell. I don't want this. I just don't...
I knew it. People can't love me. I do something to ruin it, whether I want it or not...

I'm so nervous

So yeah, first of all: GODDAMN IT DENNIS, I'M JEALOUS! I watched the video about Rastede, and now I really want to go. So, since I know no one near me who likes the same kind of music as me, I decided to look for a Dutch forum so find some people. I prefer forums over chat stuff like omegle. I mean, Penpal-Gate is fine, but I highly doubt I can find the right people there. And in the end I did find a forum, but almost everyone there is 30 or older and almost no one is active. Which really sucks, because I found someone who is 17 right now, but she hasn't been active there for like 4 years. >_< Right now I did find one girl, or woman, you choose... She's 19 years old and lives not too far away to meet, I'll put it that way. So yeah, I hope she's nice. And I hope she thinks I'm nice too.
Erm, back to the being nervous. So I was nervous in the morning, but not very nervous. Then at school I wasn't nervous, until the second last hour. I suddenly got so nervous I couldn't concentrate at all. And now I'm still nervous. Thank god no one is home. x) Whenever I'm nervous, I tend to go to the toilet a million times, even if I don't have to go there at all and it's actually really annoying. The reason why I don't really want to say a lot about this, is because it's about Dennis. Right now I'm really wondering how his days were and how he feels about.. Well, about 'us'. Now I don't want to say much about it because I don't want him to change his mind because of something I say here. I mean, I prefer that he says "Maybe we should end this relationship" without knowing beforehand what I think and what the hell is going on in my mind (I'm trying to make my mind shut up, okay? xD) than that he says "We could still try" because he does know what I think. Erm, I mean half of what I think. Maybe even less. I can't say all I'm thinking, that is way too much and I refuse to bother anyone with it. x)