I think I found something out

Yeah, I'm just starting to think that if I'm happy for a full day - or at least not mad/sad - I'll be pissed off easily the next day.
I'm in this whatsapp group with Joy, Anise, Elise, Sanne and her older sister Lotte, and I kind of got ignored so I got pissed off and left the group. And then Anise kinda got mad at me for leaving with that reason but still, it's like it's all fine if she's fangirling about One Direction, and everyone just reacts on it, and then for once I'm just fangirling about Nightwish (I'm sorry, I watched the concert in Wacken Open Air 2013 today and I had to laugh several times because of Emppu, he's amazing. And small) and then I get fully ignored. So, right, nobody there really likes Nightwish except for Joy. I sent her several songs (and she thanked Dennis for it. Come to think of it: I don't think I ever thanked him for sending me Nightwish songs, only thanks to him I love them, if I didn't know Dennis, I wouldn't have known Nightwish either) and yeah she said they were fine. Her favourite song is The Islander and I actually want to learn to play it on the guitar. When I'm finally home alone so nobody can complain.
About that, - the guitar part - right now I want to learn to play the piano, the guitar and the violin. Forget it. Playing the violin is super hard from what I've heard. Oh and I want to be able to sing. So a while ago, I thought I found this technique... Eh, well. I tried it two days ago and I can't exactly hear myself - and I refuse to record myself now - but I do think it kinda works. I just need to be home alone for a while so I can finally practise. There's actually so much I want to try.

But what if...

Right now I'm kinda wondering if I would actually become the person I always wanted to be. It's kinda weird if you think about it, you know... I became the person I never wanted to be - and the person I still don't want to be. So what would happen if I would change? What would happen if I'd finally become the person I want to be? I don't know. And I have no idea where to start either.
Also, I guess I'm just afraid people won't like me anymore. The weird thing is that I'm pretty sure I'd like myself more, and that counts too, right? But I just don't want people to hate me. And people seem to hate others fast in my school - as soon as you're even a little bit different, they don't fully seem to accept you anymore. They make fun of you.
In the first class, 2 years ago, I was silent. I didn't talk at all unless someone else was talking to me. Actually, I only talked if Eva (a girl I know) or if teachers were talking to me. Otherwise I just wouldn't say a word. That was because in the beginning of the year, I was ill. I had an earache in the first weak and my throat hurt. And so, I didn't feel like talking. But I wanted to change when I went to secondary school, and I expected that I would change. You know, that I'd finally get more friends and a best friend you can have fun with and all that... Instead things just went wrong. I was in a class with terrible people when it comes to how they acted towards me. I was very quiet, and that actually was because I was quiet at first and because of that people started bothering me, they started to make fun of me, and so I only got more insecure and when I wasn't ill anymore, I didn't say a word either.
That didn't exactly change. Last year I always sat next to Nienke - someone who was a friend of mine. We had fun and thanks to her, I got a bit less insecure and I talked a lot more than I did before. Thanks to her I met Anise, Joy and Elise. I think Joy is the most amazing of all, but I'm a bit annoyed because everyone likes Joy most, and everyone wants to be around her all the time. I don't seem to mean anything to them, they usually just forget about me, or when I talk they don't seem to hear me.
I wish things weren't like that, you know.. Most people have 'that one annoying friend' and 'that pretty friend' and all that. Right now I feel like I'm 'that ugly and annoying friend', and if I have to be honest, sometimes I wish I was the pretty friend, but I'm not. Far from.
And now one positive thing - doesn't make everything fine but alright - a few days ago, I rode home with Annelien (she lives in a village which is very close to my house) and she told me that I seemed like the kind of girl who has lots of talents nobody knows of, and yeah, I never thought of that to be honest. I just don't think I'm talented, and if I am, I wonder what my talents are.

What if it ends here

What if tonight was the end? If it would all end here, if I would disappear tonight, what would you do? What would happen? Who would care, who would notice it? Who would cry? Who would wish they did more? Who would wish I told them, so they would've tried to stop me?
I wonder. I have so many questions. So many questions about what would happen if I would die tonight - or if I'd try to kill myself tonight. Probably if I'd fail, I'd be called an attentionwhore. But what would happen if I tried to kill myself, and I actually died?
I wish it would all end tonight. Why not?

That annoying feeling you get

when you're even too sad to cry. I feel like I need to throw up, my stomach hurts and I feel this kind of pressure on my chest, and that makes all of this just worse.
Die die die die god damn it.
Why is all this shit on my mind all the time... Why couldn't I be the person I always wanted to be... I'm even things I wasn't aware of, and all of this is just killing me.
And now I have a headache too.

Am I the only one?

Does anyone else just know that feeling on your arms when something happens, that you just want to hurt yourself? That you feel like you need it? Or that feeling when you just stand somewhere with a normal face, while you're screaming inside? Or when you just want to throw everything around? Make everything stop? Make all the hurting just stop?
It doesn't end, it just doesn't. Things don't get worse, but things don't get better either, it just stays the way it is and it slowly kills you. And I've stopped knowing what to do. But nobody seems to care anymore. I do feel kinda lucky. My teacher told me that if he saw any cuttings again, he'd have to call my parents about it. Maybe he didn't see them, but if he did, at least he didn't call my parents. That'd be the last thing I want, I guess...

It's over

So that's clear... I can't take this anymore. I can't take any of this at all. Things haven't really gotten worse, so I guess it really is just a winter-depression, but it doesn't make things less bad. I got mad in school today, but after school I thought things could get better but no, instead things got worse. So this is it. What else can I even do? Who would even notice? Everyone leaves, and in the end, I'll just be all alone, and I don't want that, I can't take that. I know how often I just want to be alone, but then I just want to be alone in this house, not alone as in that nobody talks to me or whatever...
I could as well just disappear.

Did you really expect everything to be okay?

Okay life sucks, like really. I hate school, I hate maths, I hate homework, I hate these feelings. Sometimes I have this annoying feeling in my stomach and then I just want to stab it. With a knife. But that's obvious. It's just too bad that I can't do that.
But do you know that annoying feeling when you just feel like shit and want to die (or not, like you feel like shit and you want nothing and you want all your feelings to leave but you feel like dying isn't an option) but you have no idea what's wrong?
It's annoying then if someone asks what's wrong, and you know something is wrong, but you can't explain what it is because you don't know it yourself. Well, fuck life, fuck feelings. For real now.

Slowly dying

That is what it feels like right now. Like I'm just slowly slipping away, like I'm slowly dying. And I can't stop the feeling. I just don't know what to do at all. I feel like I'm slowly going crazy. I would almost say it feels like people are forgetting about me. I don't think most people in my school would realise if I was gone. But how could I know? I'm still going to school now, and if I'm dead, I can't know if anyone misses me, because I'm dead. However, I do believe in ghosts.
But.. In the end, everyone leaves. Maybe because they're tired of you, maybe because you just have less and less contact everyday, maybe because they die... Honestly, I do agree with that 'yolo' shit. I don't exactly believe 'you only live once', but I believe the meaning behind it was to live everyday like it was your last. The worst thing is just that people see that as 'take drugs, get drunk, steal, because today might be your last day'. That's not living like you will die tomorrow, that is ruining your life, whether it really is your last day or not.
I just wish this feeling would go away...

It does help

Okay I should stop watching sad animes when I have dinner in just a few minutes because now I'm crying again. But just a little reminder for myself: I should watch Tasogare Otome x Amnesia episode 12 (around 17 minutes) whenever I do something stupid that hurts the ones around me, or when I say something like 'You should find someone else to love'. I didn't want to feel it, I didn't want to know what it was like when someone tells you that. And nobody ever told me that, and I hope no one ever will. Because now I know it hurts, and not just a little bit. It hurts a lot when the one you love most tells you he or she wants you to move on, find love again and happiness and forget about you.. It hurts.

Annoyed

That one day when I can talk to Dennis the entire day doesn't exist anymore either. It just sucks.. School sucks. And it sucks to be unable to see your own boyfriend and to only be able to talk to him like one hour a day.
And rain sucks too. So yeah, it's raining again, but there's no snow here at all. It's still too warm for snow and I kinda don't mind. Snow is beautiful, but cold too...
Right now I just want to move out, and I wish it was Summer, and I wish we'd go to Italy or to Germany. We still haven't booked a vacation. I wonder when we'll do that..
But we did buy a new car: A green Volkswagen Touran. It's not here yet, though, we'll get it on Friday.

Happy birthday to my brother

Okay well, my brother turned 19 today. So happy birthday to him, even though he won't see this.. And thank god he won't. I feel like shit again, but okay. It's kinda weird though, I felt like shit on my birthday too, which is on the 15th of June, but it honestly feels like my birthday was just a few days ago. Maybe time goes fast after all...

Thank you

You know... When you have bad news for someone, it doesn't always mean that person will react in a bad or negative way. Maybe that person doesn't think it's that bad, or that person already suspected it... If I think about it, my boyfriend has taught me a lot, probably more than I'm even aware of. And he was one of the very few people who actually wanted to help me, but I pushed him away too, but why? He was there for me...
I just wanted to say thank you for being there for me whenever I need you, which I admit is too often... I love you a lot, so... I'm sorry I let you go through all of this. I'm sorry, I really am. Please don't forget me. And please forgive me.

Crying

So... I used to love watching animes, and I decided the watch one today again and yeah, in the end I had to cry again. And just now I read something I posted a while ago, and I had to cry again. It's just so sad. Tears just literally rolled down my face. That doesn't happen that often, mostly because I don't let them.
Once you're trapped in a big black hole of terrible feelings, horrific thoughts and what not, it's all over. It all stops at some point, you know. Eventually, everything will end. It will all be gone as soon as you're gone.
You don't just get happy out of nowhere when it feels like you're falling into that big black hole. It doesn't just get better. It might get better when you stop thinking of reality. It's all just a dream, maybe a nightmare. But darling, dreams end, nightmares end. Maybe next year, maybe next month, maybe next week, maybe tomorrow or maybe even in one hour, who knows?

It sucks

When your boyfriend tells you he feels like you're slipping away, and you know you are, because you feel it too...
Why are things only getting worse? Why do they never get better? My life isn't even the worst, there are people whose life are worse, and yet I feel this shitty. I don't even know what to do anymore...

Disappointed

So a while ago, we made this test for school and it was about what you're good at and what you're interested in when it comes to jobs. I just got the results: I do Atheneum, and my school is a Vwo/Havo school (vwo: atheneum, havo: a bit lower than vwo. You can't go to a university with it). But in the results, they say it might be better for me if I go back to Havo and this just sucks, because I thought I'd do fine at Vwo, you know... It actually breaks me down. In my primary school we also had a test like that (Nio/Cito) and there the results also said that Havo was best for me. I just don't want it. I feel so stupid...

Music and school

Sooo today I saw my mark for French and it was a freaking 7! *-* I'm so happy. If I got this last year, I would have been pissed off because I was quite good at French, but now I suck at it. Also, I got an 8,4 and an 8 for music and I'm happy about that too. I can actually have music exams if I choose the subject, and I think I will choose it. I talked about it with my teacher, he was just kinda afraid that I prefer not to stand on stage etc. but honestly, I think it would be good for me. I think I'll just choose the subject, because I wanted it for so long. Also, my teacher now knows I want to be in a metal band. x) I know it will never happen, but I don't care. I kinda do like the thought of it anyway.
Also, I'm back to listening to Nightwish - maybe a bit too much? But... Does that even exist? I love Nightwish. Really, if I never met Dennis, I would probably be listening to songs from nowadays (you know, dubstep shit) which I don't even really like.. Okay, I don't like it at all. Or then I'd just be waiting to find the kind of music I really like. Maybe I would've been a directioner then... Gosh, I don't like them, but Joy and Anise (two girls I hang out with in the breaks at school) really love them, and I told Anise I seriously got a headache from their music. She says it's impossible, but ask my head, it's clearly not impossible. T_T And I made Joy listen to Nightwish. Woosh, I'm not alone anymore *yay*. Okay I kinda am...
And I was hyper today. It was just too bad that Anise kept staring at my scars with PE... I mean, it really annoys me, because that is exactly what I've been trying to avoid all the time. I feel so awkward, you know, I don't like the way I look: I don't like my face and I don't like my body. It's ruined. And then someone stares at my arm and then I just feel like please, stare at something else.

Reblogging reblogging reblogging

Okay I just decided to post my Tumblr blog here - http://ayakashy.tumblr.com/

Please do take a look at it. :) I know I posted it before, but I changed the theme. I had kind of a depressed blog at first. Now I reblog things I like - quotes, landscapes, animals, food (yeees I like food) and more.
I hope you like it. :)

Speedpaint

Okay so I really love watching speedpaint videos on youtube, but I didn't do that for a while, probably because I'm always like "Oh, I should try that too!" and then I fail and then my mood is ruined, because yeah, I'm pretty talentless. And my tablet broke, so I can't draw on my computer anymore. Well, actually, the tablet is okay, it just doesn't react to the pen and it really sucks. I know Wacom doesn't suck but mine does.
Anyway I'm jealous again, but I still love watching those videos. I just wish I could do it too, because I do love drawing, I just suck at it, and then I get pissed off and then I start throwing things around (same if a normal pen stops working) and yeah. I always have to remind myself that I just can't draw or sing or whatever, I'm just talentless. Okay this really sucks. T_T

Bad news

So, how exactly do you tell someone bad news when you at least seem to be happy? I don't want to ruin anyone's mood either, but meh. Hiding isn't the right thing to do either, right? Okay this sucks. You can't give someone bad news while you seem to be happy and when you know you will ruin the person's mood. But if you hide it and that person finds out, it'll still hurt. I hate it when I have to decide such things. Especially when I already know I can't talk about it more then. T_T

Bored

Hooow weird, I'm bored again. So, apparently we have homework for art class - Dear teacher, I'm sorry, I didn't know and I don't really care either. And stop pretending to like me, you hated me last year. Okay, she had all rights to do that, I was the most lazy person in the world when it came to homework and what not, but now our school has new rules so yeah, I don't want to have to go to school till 5 pm every day.
But okay, yeah, I'm bored as hell. And I don't really know how I feel, like.. Okay, yesterday I felt like shit, then I tried to call my boyfriend several times so I also got to know that calling to Germany costs one euro per minute. And that sucks, because I only have two euros left on my phone. So no calling to Germany, goddamnit. T_T
Okay and... I have nothing to tell. Oh well, I thought I had to talk to the psychologist of my school again today at 15.10, but apparently that was next week, and yeah that sucks. I mean, I don't really tell him stuff, I don't like him. But yeah, I had to wait for like 30 minutes and then I had to hear he didn't expect me to come because I had to come the next week. Also, my schedule changed, and I have school till 16.00 on Tuesday now and that sucks too, because I used to have only 5 hours on Tuesday and jhfskedfjel stupid school. Okay I'm fine. No, I'm not. I couldn't help myself yesterday either. I was feeling.. I wanted to say 'I was feeling funny' but it wasn't that funny. At all. Just for me at that point because I couldn't be serious. Never take two painkillers within one hour, it's weird. It was weird for me. Anyway, then something happened and it was kinda like I just.. Broke inside or something? Or I exploded, I don't know, but I couldn't help myself and just wanted to hurt myself right when I thought things could be fine again. It sucks to feel like shit, but I guess most people agree with that. I just want that to end, all of it. I'm tired of living like this, everything just sucks. Okay, maybe not everything. I don't live in a dangerous city, my parents don't beat me up, we're not broke, I get to go to school and actually learn stuff, music exists (awesome), and the best thing of my life is something I never expected. I always thought I would die alone, you know. Maybe with a dog or something, but I always thought I'd be forever alone. People just don't like me, maybe it's because I'm different. I'm not pretty, I don't wear layers of makeup, I don't have a sweet voice, I'm not that much into fashion, I don't have talents. I would never see why someone would love me. But someone does, and it's weird. I put him through so much, I can't even give him sleep, I don't give him any freedom, and yet he stays with me. I don't know how he does that, how he survives with me, I only feel like I'm destroying his life. But there's one thing I know for sure: No matter what happens, I will always love him, and he's the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. Dennis, if you read this: I love you a lot and I really don't want to lose you. I want to spend my life with you.
And you know... Sometimes you just have to appreciate things in life. Things will not always go the way you want them to go. Things won't be perfect, and you will make mistakes. But you're the only one who can make your life the way you want it to be. You can learn from your mistakes and improve them instead of being sad about it. That's not going to make anything better anyway.

Don't worry darling, everything will be alright

Sometimes I just wish someone could say that to me, and really mean it. Well, I'm sure Chris said that several times. In that case I actually shouldn't complain. But I just wish it was true, you know.. That everything will be alright someday, that I stop fighting with everyone, that I can be happy for a full day. Well I did have that several days ago, it's just sad that I was sad all the time yesterday. I just need to stop hurting the people around me, and that shouldn't be hard. But on the other hand, it's easy to hurt people who are very close to you and people you talk to every day. I wish I was an easy person, someone who is easy to love, easy to talk to, easy to be with. But I'm very awkward and people dislike me. I do understand why, though, I just wish I wasn't like that. I just don't know how to change and yeah... I should just move abroad, I feel like people in this country don't accept me, and fine, not everyone in this country is the same, but well... I guess I just have to keep hoping that things will be alright then. I must say that I never believed it when people said it would be alright. I guess I should start believing things then.

On my way home

Since I cheered up a little bit, I decided to write a bit of what else happened today. Okay, I poked Joy. Joy is a girl, I don't mean the normal word 'joy', I mean the girl. I took several pictures of her and yeah, she's crazy. But who isn't when they have nothing to do for 2 hours, and they're not allowed to leave school? That drives you crazy, right?
Anyway, when I was riding home, this guy shouted my name. And that guy's name is Marnix and he is annoying as hell. Two years ago he always annoyed me, and he said things like "Hey Linda, can I sit next to you? No wait, you're way too ugly" and he pretended to love me and what not, and he always called me ugly. Everyday at least once. But when he passed me by, he turned his face towards me and I honestly had to try so hard not to laugh. I don't like the way I look, I really don't, and I agree with him that I'm ugly. But my god, he became so freaking ugly. xD I really thought like "In your.. freaking.. Ugly face", but okay. Yeah. He sucks and he's an idiot. And he doesn't look better than me, for real. And I'm not pretty at all. Imagine what he looks like. Yeah I'm a bit rude now... Who cares, he made me feel like shit, I really don't care how he feels.

Sadness & tears

Okay so only a few days ago, I was feeling fine. But I guess yesterday I really broke down. I don't exactly know what happened, but I wasn't feeling good all day long, which resulted in a fight with Dennis, right when I thought everything could really be better. So yeah, I screwed up again. But now I did it for real, since it ended, I guess... And today I don't feel much better, and just now I felt like drawing on my computer so I started my tablet up and what happens: Right, the pen doesn't fucking work. So I thought that maybe re-installing would help. So I do that, and it still doesn't fucking work. Then I decided to look on the internet how much a new pen costs, and I find out I can't buy a new pen for my tablet. And yeah, now I'm crying again, but now over such a silly thing. I hate this, I hate everything, I hate life. What does it give you anyway? E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g hurts and I only hurt everyone around me, that's for sure. I only fuck things up. I just want to cry my fucking eyes out. I fucking hate this, I hate everything, just save me, let me be free... I want to give up, again.

Memories

So I'm just listening to music I used to listen to, like Jessie J, Avril Lavigne, Gusttavo Lima, Shakira... My music taste changed, but this is still fine too. But I must say, if I hear one song from Nightwish now, I'll listen to them for the rest of the day. :P I love them a bit too much right now, and I really wonder what the next album will be like. But anyway, listening to songs I used to listen to makes me think of that time. Okay, it wasn't that long ago, but still. It gives me the feeling of Summer - which isn't weird, it's still not exactly cold over here. I feel so sorry for people in the US, I heard it's very cold there.
And, no fighting yesterday, at all! I'm kinda proud of myself. Usually I get pissed off at some point and then I just start fighting with people, eventhough they deserve better. But yeah, it actually feels amazing just to be happy at night too. I mean, sometimes I get hyper at night, but usually I still get pissed off, but that didn't happen yesterday. I must say I feel really childish though, and I don't really like that. :P But hey, so be it. Either you deal with it, or you don't, I don't really care.

Also, I went shopping today with my mom. I bought 3 shirts, 1 jacket and two dresses. Maybe I'll post some pictures later, I'm not sure yet, but I'm happy with what I bought. ^_^

I'm back

So I didn't write for a while. Like 7 months? Maybe 8?
The reason why I wanted to write again was because I was thinking of something I read on a blog from a friend of mine (she stopped blogging a while ago too) and then I decided to read what I wrote last year, which wasn't a lot. I did see a drama story though, I don't remember writing that. But I often forget things, so it was expectable.
I don't really think I'm that dramatic anymore... Oh, who am I kidding? I'm just in a good mood now. ^_^ But, I must say I'm happy more often. The sad thing is that I fight almost every evening with my boyfriend.
And also about that, two more months to go and then we've been together for about a year! ^_^ And I still love him so freaking much and I don't ever want to lose him. I don't care how often we'll fight or will be hurt at all, I will always love him, that's for sure. So yeah, I'm taken. x) And he's mine.
So yeah, his name is Dennis and I'm pretty sure I've talked about him before. And he's German. Okay so like half a year ago, I was kinda addicted to Italy, and now... Well, Italy is a beautiful country with a beautiful language and yummy food, that's for sure. But Germany is great too, and so is the language.
Also, I might be going to Spain this year. ^_^ I honestly thought I'd break down if I'd hear we wouldn't be going back to Italy, but it's not like that at all. Spain is awesome too.

And now about my boyfriend again, I'm kinda proud of myself now: Sometime ago I told my mom about him, and she didn't freak out. But she wasn't that happy either, but she could've seen this coming, since she knows I don't like Dutch people that much (I honestly don't give them a chance). The sad thing is just that I'm not allowed to visit him, because my mom wants to meet him too and she feels more comfortable with meeting him here, in a place she knows. But Dennis isn't allowed to visit me, because his parents don't agree with that and yeah, this sucks. And there's nothing I can do about this, which only makes all of this worse.