It's a miracle

It's not like my entire arm and stomach are red and I still have hair.
Okay so right now all I've done was pretty much crying, going crazy, pinching myself hoping all of this is a dream, trying to catch my breath, which still isn't working because I feel like I'll fall down in a few seconds because of lack of oxygen or something, or and I've been shivering and grabbing my hair, nearly pulling it out. Noooo of course nothing is wrong, everything is fine, I'm noooot depressed at all - seriously, stupid school psychologist, what the fuck were you thinking? What the actual fuck were you thinking? "Oh he's fake. He goes out every night. He might even be dating someone else. He might be a 40 year old guy looking for a young girl like you" well shut the fuck up, that'd be you.
I missed him so fucking much and now I miss him again and yet I fucked everything up and I hate this. And there we go again, I'm trying to keep my eyes dry so I don't have to explain it all to my parents, but I feel like I'll have no choice in the end. Or my brother will walk in, asking what the hell is happening. Oh, like he'd understand.
Okay this is annoying, he pretty much told me we could still try and yet I feel like I totally lost him... Okay I admit it, in the next days I'll want to listen to medieval music, but then I can't, because I imagined so much with it, mainly being in Rastede and seeing Dennis and that would break me down now. Weird, isn't it? You're still dating someone, but it feels so much like you lost that person, that it just hurts.
Seriously, God, nature, Jesus, eh.. All the other gods and special people in which people believe, why didn't you create a fucking undo button? Or maybe a "Turn your feelings on/off" button? I would so turn them off now. And tomorrow too, by the way.