So I just came back from Germany, and now I feel bad. Yesterday in the church (no I don't believe in God, but the marriage was there) it said something about 'those who feel alone' and more negative stuff and I tried my hardest not to cry. Then when we drove to the place where the party was, the sister of my grandma said to me that my grandpa was doing very bad, so I expect him to die soon but I don't want to be alive and that someone I know dies then, I just don't want that. I mean in the end you have no choice if you enjoy your life, but I don't want to feel that sadness ever again.
And then when we left, I felt sad too because I didn't want to leave. My uncle is so nice (and it turns out he's a great hugger) and my new aunt (since I'm officially allowed to call her my aunt now) is so pretty and nice, I wish she was my mom.
Right now I'm freezing and I'm tired and I feel lonely and unloved and I just want to crawl up in my bed and never get out of it. Well, okay, until Summer, or in any case not until the weather gets better.
But it just sucks that it feels like I'm not loved, or not loved anymore or something like that. It sucks even more when it feels that way when you do have someone. I still want to put a lot of effort in this relationship (okay it probably feels for everyone as if I only recently started doing that, so it's unfair to ask it back), but I just don't know what to do about it all right now. And then I want to talk about it, but it feels like it's better not to, considering we're both tired and kinda irritated (eh, probably).
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