Relieved

Yeah so I feel a bit better now than before. This morning things were kinda fine and I felt 'more awake' than usually, I guess that's because I fell asleep quite early after all. But when I went downstairs, I let something fall and then I suddenly reminded myself of yesterday and then I started to feel like shit, and I got really, like really tired. Since then I've been very tired, so I think I'm going to bed in a few minutes.
Actually I've been waiting all day for a message from Dennis. I did get it, and I thought I'd be happy, but no, instead I cried my eyes out. I mean, thank god he's alive: I told someone I know about what happened and she asked me if he died, and I actually got this little heart-attack, and suddenly I was very worried.
Also, Sanne realised something was wrong with me in the break, so she asked me what was wrong and I broke down in tears and it is great to have people around you at those points, but if it doesn't help... Well, that just sucks. I appreciated it, but I just wanted to be around Dennis, hug him and what not, but that was impossible and it still is.
And I've been thinking about something. You know, yesterday I wondered if I even wanted to know what happened or not, but there's something I didn't think of. Who said he wanted to tell me what happened? Maybe he prefers not to say anything about it. It's not even up to me, it's up to him. The reason why I don't exactly want to know what happened, is because I'm scared. And what if it was my fault? I still feel like that.
But anyway, just so there's a bit of good news too: I might talk to Dennis again tomorrow. It's kinda weird how one day you see someone and nothing is wrong, you're happier than you were before, then you don't see that person anymore and then you start fighting with the same person, and the next thing you know is that something went wrong. I feel so goddamn guilty, really, I hate this feeling.