I feel like shit

I hate this. I hate life. I hate everything. I swear to god I could just give up right now, I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel terrible and I can't handle this feeling anymore but he was right, it's my own fault. Everything that has ever happened was my own fault, but why was I never punished for it then? Isn't that unfair? Shouldn't I be punished? Isn't it exactly what I deserve? I really believe it's exactly what I deserve.
You know, sometimes I wonder... What would happen, if I would just be gone one day? How would people feel? Would they care, would they even notice it? I feel like lots of people wouldn't notice it. There wouldn't be a difference for them, I meant nothing in their life. Sometimes people already are scared if they think of it, you know, some people only get scared when it gets close to them. I can't handle thinking of someone I know dying, even when that person is really healthy, I would cry. And I know I would cry a million times harder if that person would die. But some people don't cry when they think about it, some people think like "No, that won't happen to anyone I know". But you never know, you can't be sure...